Who I am
by MistressKenobi
Summary: A love thought dead returns with no memory of herself or the Knights that she once fought beside. Can Lancelot help her to remember or will it be too much for this Sarmatian to handle. Finally finished! Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: Many years before the battle on Badon Hill Lancelot fell in love with female Sarmatian Knight, but they were seperated. Thought long dead, he finds her fighting with the enemy. Against him! With no memory of her past will she get past the last years she spent with the Saxons and the torture she endured at their hands and will she remember who she is. Will Lancelots love be enough to bring back the veil that covers her mind.**

**(I know, probably a lame summary but that it. Hopefully it will turn out all right for all of you. Please R & R. I can use all the help I can get.)**

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**Who I am**

"Take this." She said wrapping the necklace about his neck. "May it protect you as it always did me until we meet again." Holding the crest in his hand he looked down into her eyes. Her sky blue eyes which would dance with such joy when they were together were now dulled by saddness. "I know, I know, me and my silly superstitions. I wore this in every fight, every battle and I have always lived to see the next." Soon the tears came. The tears that had brimmed her eyes could no longer be held back by her Sarmatian will. As he pulled her closed she gladly fell into his embrace. Into the arms that held her close at night over the past months and she cried. He kissed her head and inhaled the scent of her hair.

"Lillian, we must go. The others are ready." a womans voice pulled her from her moment of peace. Turning around Lillian saw her friend and fellow knight Ellaine standing in the door way.

"I am coming." Lillian said wiping away her tears. "Thank you Ellaine."

With a bow the woman left. Turning back around she saw she now stood alone. No not alone. He was there. She new. She also new he did not like to say goodbye. All his life those he cared for were forced from him and now fate was doing it again.

"I will always love you Lancelot." she spoke aloud to the empty room. With a bow to a person not there she left. Not looking back she closed the doors behind her. Had she looked she would have seen him emerge from the shadows.

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Everyone was mounted and ready by the time Lillian was outdoors. Several wagons bore the new families of her fellow knights as well as Romans. Her black steed was ready when she was arrived. He had been a gift from her father years agao. The last gift he had given her before he died in battle for Rome.

"Hello Midnight." She said. Lovingly she patted his mane and neck. "Are you ready my friend?" The horse neighed in recognition. A slight smile breached her face. "Atleast one of us is." she whispered.

"See, not even gone yet and she's smiling about it." Whipping around she saw Bors and the others. All but Lancelot.

"I am sorry Lillian but he is not here." Arthur said as he noticed her search the crowd. Arthur reminded her a lot of her father, except for not being Sarmatian. She respected him for the way he led them. As equals. Not many Roman commanders were like that, especially not hers.

"No one knows where he's off to but his horse is gone as well." Gawain spoke.

"Its all right. I have said my farewells to Lancelot. Although it would have been nice to see him again before I left." she said a fake smile bore her face.

"Eight years is a long time away. You wont forget us while you are off will you?" Galahad asked sarcasm in his voice though it was laced with sincerety.

"Forget all of my dear Knights. Never." She answered embracing each in a hug as she tried to keep back her tears. She had cried enough for one day. One by one she made her way through the group. Last to feel her embrace was Dagonet. Dear Dagonet, he had always watched out for her even in childhood. She had known many of the Knights prior to their military days, all were like brothers, family.

"You will do fine Lillian. Just wait 8 years from now we will all be together and laughing about these days." Dagonet said in an effort to get her to genuinely smile.

"And what shall I do with out you and the others to keep me out of trouble?" she asked playfully.

"Keep your head up" Dagonet said. For the first time since she had recieved the news tha she was being recalled to her post she smiled a real smile. She looked out over the sea of men staring at her. Many of them the men she had grown up with in their homeland, others she only met recently. When all were of age they were enlisted but she had been assigned to a different post. For five year she had feared the worst of her friends until she was sent to Hadrians Wall. Word had reached her commander that Hadrains wall was in need of assistance against the woads. That was nearly two years ago. Now the woads problem had slowed and she and her men were no longer needed at the wall. Now shewas to headback to her post two knights short.

"Lillian here." Vanora said appearing from behind the men. "Some bread and some things the children made for you."

"Thank you." she answered taking the bundle from the pregnant womans arms.

"Take care love. LikeI alwayssay, we will go home." and with a hug she took her place beside Bors. The melody that Vanora always song stirred in her mind.

Mounting her horse Lillian walked towards the caravan. Sarmatians and Romans fell into position as they slowly made their way to the gate. Bringing up the end of the group Lillian somberly rode. They had barely made it outside the wall when she heard her name.

"Lillian!" Looking to the wall she saw Bors.

"RUS!" All of the Sarmatian Knights on the wall shouted. On instinct her and hers did the same.

"Lillian! Lillian wait!" came a small voice. Turning around she looked to the gate and saw one of Bors' children coming her way running as fast as her legs would allow. "Here." she said handing her a note. "Its from Lancelot." Pointing Lillian gaze followed to the lone figure the tiny girl pointed to. The figure stood mounted on his horse on one of the grass lain hills the laid behind Hadrains Wall.

"Thank you young one." Lillian said drawing her attention to the child. With that the child ran back to the safety of the wall. Lillian watched as the gates closed behind her. Lillian looked down and opened her gift. On the note Lillian saw the simple word 'always'. Folding it she placed it into her satchel and looked up once more at the man. "Goodbye Lancelot" she said to the air.

"Lillian." Ellaine spoke gaining her attention. Looking up the trail she saw she now lagged behind. Taking one last look she stared up at her knights on the wall and her love on the hill before she spun around and raced after the others.

"I will return my friends. I promise and we will all go home."


	2. Fire in the Sky

**Thank you for those who reviewed. I hope you like the rest. It will be a couple more days before I add another chapter after this one. Finals for school suck. But I promise that I will try and add at least one new chapter a week. Two if I have time. :) Thanks again for reviewing and keep it up.**

Nearly a week had past since she had last seen Lancelot and the others and Lillian was beginning to feel the longing of their voices. Of his gentle embrace. She half expected to wake up and find this all to be a dream and find herself next to him. To see him give her that mischevious grin that made all of her troubles melt away. But every time she woke her dream ended and she found herself miles away and only to go farther away.

"Lillian, are you okay?" Ellaine asked as she rode alongside.

"What?" Lillian answered her voice far off.

"You haven't spoken much since we left Hadrians Wall. Is everything okay?" Ellaine asked again. Her green eyes searching her friends.

"Oh. Nothing is wrong. I'm fine." Lillian looked to the woman who rode along side her. They had been through training as knights from the beginning and had always looked out for one another. Told each other their fears. Thier joys, but right now the only thing Lillian wanted is to be alone for a while. To seperate herself but, in her heart she knew that Ellaine would not relent and she knew Lancelot would not want her to isolate herself. After all that is what he loved about her. Her ability to adapt to situations and to keep going no matter what.

"You are a terrible liar you know that." Ellaine answered knowing where and with whom Lillians thought lay. "We will all see them again. Lancelot will be fine." Reaching a hand out she laid it upon Liilians shoulder in an attempt to get through to her.

"I know." A small smile broke upon her face. Looking up she peered through the dense treetops to the sky above which was already starting to grow dark with the approaching night.

"Besides, I thought you would be the tinest bit happy to return home after being gone so long."

"The post is not my home. I was taken from my home as were we all and when I found the smallest bit of happiness in god forsaken war I get taken away from it again. No, I am not happy to return but I dont really have a choice now do I." Lillian responded bitterly. Ellaine looked at her friend with sorrow filled eyes. "I am happy that they are all safe though and I am happy that the others will see their loved ones when we return."

"We shall rest here for the night and start off again early in the morning." Caius announced. The Roman Commanders voiced boomed over the sounds over the forest. Lillian and the other had worked under him since they started, he always thought because he was roman and they were sarmatian he was better, but when it came to the fighting they were the ones who went in first while he waited for the action to die down before he joined in. No he was not her favorite but she kept to herself. Just what she needed, to make her last eight years a living hell. "Lillian, take another and scout the peremeter. The rest of you shall set up the camp."

As quickly as they could Lillian and Axel made their way through the trees but, the denseness of the wooks made it difficult for them on horseback and slowed them to a walk. The smell of the pines and the flowers that marked its ground filled the air.

"I do not like this place. Its too enclosed, especially with the size of our party. We won't be able to see an enemy until they are practically on us." Axel spoke. His voice broke above the sound of leaves breaking under their weight as he searched through the trees.

"I agree." Lillian answered quietly. "But we are almost to our post, we should be fine."

"Fine? You havent heard of the rumors have you?" Axel asked suprised that she of all people had not heard.

"What rumors?" Lillian prodded. Axels voice had caught her attention and a slight dread pained her heart.

"Then again your mind is not in the present. What do you expect?" He answered toying with her.

"Axel! What rumors!" She spoke, now agitated by his sarcasm.

"From what I have heard, keep in mind its only what I have heard, for all I know it is false but.. it is said that Caius recieved a letter prior to our leaving Hadrians Wall." Axel said, his voice calm and serious.

"I already know that. It was a letter recalling us to out post because we were no longer needed at Hadrians Wall." Lillian answered feeling quite stupid for getting worked up over nothing.

"True it was a letter recalling us, but from what I hear it is because our own post may be falling under attack within a few weeks. The rumors say we were recalled because of the threat to our post, not because Hadrians Wall no longer needed us." Axel answered his dark eyes searching her blue.

"Where did you hear this?" Lillian asked the light haired Knight.

"Like I said it is just a rumor but, it does explain a lot. Especially the actions of Caius and the other Roman leaders. You would have heard it to if you would stop retreating to the past." He said, his last words hung accusingly at Lillian.

"A rumor and nothing else. You have no evidence and as for my state of mind and what Iam thinking, that is none of your concern." Her voice riled with frutration and anger though she knew he was right. She should be in the present.

Her companion looked at her with understanding eyes. "I know what it is like to lose a loved one, or did you forget that when we left for Hadrians Wall I left my love behind at our post. I do not mean to hurt you or dig up your pain but, all I ask is that you ask yourself a few questions. Why did we bring so many reinforcements. We were only seven when we left, now we are more than double. Why bring the extra men? And why do we travel like we do, until the sun sets and then start off before the sun rises the next morning? I do not need the thoughts of rumors to know that something is wrong for us to move so quickly."

His question caught her off guard but as she let them sink in she began to think he was right. Something was wrong. They had traveled through this land before and never with more than they needed. That was why only half of the Knights would be gone at any time.

"What ever it is something is wrong. Caius had been acting strangely but I thought it was only because we were returning home. Whatever it is, I hope you are wrong." Liilian answered. The wind howled around them. Inhaling deep Lillian caught an unusual sent. "Do you smell that...it smells like...fire. "Looking to the sky Lillian saw a faint smoke cloud reach to the sky. "Axel."

The young man looked to where she directed. "We never build fires that big, it draws too much attention." Urgency laced his words. "Lillian." He said looking to her.

"The camp!" As quickly as they could the turned their mounts around and raced to the camp.

_'I wish the others were here.' _Lillian thought to herself.


	3. a fight and a discovery

"Make sure the families are safe. As quickly as you can drive them on." Lillian shouted to Axel as they arrived to the camp. It was no rumor after all. Saxons. All around. On the ground she saw several Romans and one of her knights. Elizabeth. Grief struck her as she dismounted her horse. Unsheathing her swords she dug the into the ground beside her. Reaching down she grasped the dirt beneath her and ran the dust over her hands. Lancelot always thought it to be a stupid ritual and had made fun of her when they practiced but she thought should she ever fall she would like to know the ground beneath her. Looking she saw Axel leading the families to safety striking down several Saxons along the way. Rearming herself she looked to the warfare before her.

"Lets do this." Running into the onslaught of swords and arrows she quickly took down a Saxon whose back was to her, his arrow aimed for Axel, taking down another as she turned. Judging by the clothes they were, these were the scouts of the Saxon clan. The ones who would clear the path for the rest which meant the entire army was not far behind. Covered with the blood of her enemies she saw more emerge from the trees. "They just dont know when to quit do they."

Stealing a quick glance she noticed Axel and the families were gone. Several Romans and Knights stayed to delay the attacking horde. _'Atleast they are safe.' _Lillian thought to herself as she ran her sword through an oncoming Saxon. He moaned and spat blood on her armor before falling to the blood soaked ground beneath her. Whipping around she saw two more coming her way. One on either side. Swords at the ready she waited for the first blow. He swung his crude blade high and hard but met both of hers as she deflected the blow aimed for her head. Their blades interlocked and she stared into the cold stone eyes of her enemy.

"Time to die Sarmatian hore." He spat. His eyes darted to the second Saxon.

A quick glance to her right showed the second man coming at her with daggers in hand. With all the strength she could muster she pushed the first back and turned to take the other down but was not quck enough. The mans dagger sliced her flesh, biting her lip she fought the urge to scream in pain. Quickly she dug one of her twin swords into the foul mans back bringing him down. The blade went in easily through the flesh. As he fell she heard him cry out the go silent. A pain surged through her head and all went dark around her. "Lancelot" she whispered to the wind before falling to the ground.

"We have to leave Arthur. They are in danger." Lancelot cried to Arthur. His voice pleading with the man before him. All around the Sarmatians had gathered.

Reading the note Jols had found in the room that had housed Cauis on his stay. "But this is a warning. It does not mean it is true. Just a precaution." Arthur answered holding the note to Lancelot.

"But what if its not." Lancelot answered. "Arthur, what if it is not. What if there are Saxons in the area. What if they were to late and the Saxons overtook their post. They could need our help." Thoughts of Lillian crying out to him, of her fighting all bloodied and outnumbered filled his head and he could not get them out.

"And what if they are safe Lancelot. What if I okay this mission and we leave and it turns out nothing was wrong to begin with." Arthur said trying to reason with the Knight before him. Still it troubled him that Caius had recieved such a letter and not told them.

"Then we will look the fools but, I would rather look the fool then be right. Please Arthur, something is wrong here I feel it." Lancelot said emotion filling his words. His dark auburn eyes search that of his commanders.

"Jols," Arthur said aloud, his eyes still transfixed upon Lancelots.

"Yes Arthur?" The man said stepping forward.

"Ready the horses. We leave immediatly." Arthur said. The man left post haste and prepared the horses. Several Knights left to aid him.

"Thank you Arthur." Lancelot said solemly.

"Let us hope you are wrong and that there is no meaning behind this." Arthur said holding the letter up.


	4. only a nightmare

Lancelot didnt recall when he traveled harder or faster. With fellow knights and Arthur at his side they made their way across the terrian. Following the path the Caius had told Arthur he would go. Tristan's hawk flew high in the sky. They had been traveling for several days with no sign that Lillian or her party had met with trouble. In a way that eased Lancelot's worries but he knew the only way to ease his worries would be to see Lillian and he group safely at their post. When Lancelot and the others had left they were little more than a day behind Lillian and hers.

"Look Tristan returns." Galahad shouted over the thundering of their hoofs. Tristan had ridden far ahead to scout for trouble. Slowing to a halt they awaited the mans news.

"What have you seen Tristan?" Arthur asked.

The man stared through the group before his eyes laid upon Lancelot. "Their lay a pile of burnt bodies not far ahead. The emblems are those of the Romans that journeyed with Lillian."

All eyes looked to Lancelot as he pushed his way through the crowd. "Is she there?" Lancelot choked out. His eyes burned with hope that she lived.

"I am guessing the fire we saw that night was from the raid upon these people. There are tracks leading away so some escaped. There were carriages and people on horse. If they made it and how far I dont know and there was this." Tristan said pulling a dagger from his belt and showing to the rest. "Saxons."

Lancelot burst through the crowd and passed the silent Knight. Hanging limbs from trees nearby threatened to knock him over but he pushed on until he made it to a small clearing. He was taken back by the site before him. A pile of bodies were smuldering in their ashes. Weapons still littered the ground and his heart began to pound in his ears. _'She's okay. She has to be okay. If there is a God let her be okay.' _Dismounting he searched the remnants of the battle. Blood laced the ground a deep red. Walking about he saw it and sank to his knees. Time slowed as he stared down, at his feet lay her twin swords. Bloodied. His heart ached when the realisation hit him. In the distance a black steed emerged from the trees.

"Midnight." Lancelot said whispered. He did not hear them come from behind until he felt the hand rest upon his shoulders. Turning he saw Arthur and the others, all looking down upon him. Standing he wielded both of her weapons in his grip. Several of the knights turned away not wanting to face what may be. The eyes of the knights she had grown up with misted over with tears.

"I am sorry Lancelot." Arthur said looking into the deep brown of his eyes. He had grown to care for Lillian himself. She had been like family to him, even though he did not open up to her till it was too late. Now, to see Lancelot and the others mourning her loss made the reality of the situation pain him.

"No." Lancelot said. "You dont say you're sorry. She's not dead."

"I know this is hard for you Lancelot. It is for all of us. You, all of us, know that Saxons to not take prisoners and those that they do are killed. They kill everything in their path. Look around you my friend, you know as well as I she could not have made it, and even if she did, you know she would not leave her weapons or Midnight behind. I am sorry my friend." Arthur said, his voice soft and compassionate towards the Knight. Reaching a hand out to lay upon his shoulder.

"She's not dead!" Lancelot said dropping her swords and striking the man before him. The Knights stepped between them and held the grieving Knight at bay. "She's not..." Lancelot sunk to his knees once more. His heart twisted inside. The figures of the men around him blurred as his eyes filled with the tears he had fought so hard to hold back. His world was crashing down around him and he had been too late to stop it. Silence swept over the group as each dealt with the loss of one of their own. "Tell me I am dreaming Arthur. Tell me I will wake and she will be here. That this is just some nightmare."

Arthur gazed into the man before him. The man that raced into battle, swords shining in the sun as he fought. His first Knight, the one who would yield to no one. Now on his knees, begging for a solution that Arthur could not give. "I am sorry Lancelot, if I could bring her back I would but... I cant."

"I shouldnt have let her go." Lancelot said holding her swords once more in his hands. "I should have forced her to stay at Hadrians Wall." His fingers traced the insignia on their handles. Thoughts of their last days haunted his mind.

"We all should have stopped her lad." Bors said as he tried to hide the pain in his face.

"She would not have had to have been forced Lancelot. She would have stayed but, she had a duty to preform. As do we all." Athur tried to reason.

"I dont give a damn about duty!" Lancelot shout back as he rose from the ground. "Rome has taken everything from me. They took me from my home, I've watched as my friends slayed in battle before my eyes. A battle not my own and now Lillian has been taken from me as well."

Dagonet stepped forward and held the shoulders of his friend. "Come Lancelot, there is nothing more we can do for her here. Let us take her horse and weapons back with us. Let us give her a decent burial. That is the least we can do for her now. She would want you, all of us to go on. Do this for her."

Lancelot looked up into his eyes. How he wanted to lash out, to vent his anger at the others. To releave the guilt he felt for failing the one woman he had ever trully loved. But Dagonet was right, the least he could do for her now would to give her peace. With a nod he signified his agreement.

"Gawain, get her horse." Arthur said silently.

"No." Lancelot interjected. "I will get him."

Lancelot stood and made his way to the wandering horse. Seeing the man approach the horse neighed in recognition. Shifting the swords to one hand, Lancelot grabbed the reigns and pulled the horses head close to his own.

"I am sorry my friend. I failed you... I failed her." Lancelot whispered looking into the horses brown orbs. His voice choked as he uttered the words leading the horse away from the horrors behind them. Lancelot had allowed Dagonet to wrap the swords together with clothe before strapping them to his own horse. Mounting Lancelot followed the others silently with Lillians twin blades at his side and her horse following behind.


	5. A new way of life

**AN: Thank you for the reviews. I hope you like this chapter. **

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"Wake up wench." A voice in the dark commanded. A splash of cold water and a slap to her face woke her from sleep. Her head throbbed as she started to come to. She struggled to move but found her ankles and wrists bound. As the haze over her eyes began to slowly lift she looked around her, she lay in a tent with several men about her. As she struggled to a sitting position a shot of pain shot through her body like lightning that brought her swiftly to the ground once more. Lifting her head she saw the the blood soaked clothe that wrapped around her waist. Trying once more she sat upright, her teeth gritting as she the coursed through her veins.

"Where am I?" Her voice croaked. Her throat parched and scratchy.

"Shut up hore." the man shouted, slapping her across the face. The blow caused her to fall to her back. The voice was that from before. "We will ask the questions." he said pulling her to her knees by her hair. She cried out in pain.

"Who are you?" He asked, his voice cold and menacing. "Answer me wench!" he shouted puling her hair back so her face met with his.

"I..." Her mind raced but drew a blank. "I.. dont know." She cried out. Her mind whirred as she struggled to answer. Everything was blank, her memories gone as though they never existed. The man roughly threw her to the ground before him. _'Who are these men? What have I done to deserve this? What has happened to me?' _she thought to herself.

"Stupid harlot's lyin' to us." A man from the corner spoke. His voice was deeper, rougher than the others. His hair dark and unkept. His facial hair notted and untamed. "If she won't tell us the truth perhaps we should beat it out of her, or perhaps we could try another method." The man walked over to her and ran his finger through her hair and and down her face. Turning away he threw her aside pulling out a dagger. "Bitch."

"Dont touch her Brecc. I will get the information I desire without your help." The first man spoke, threatening the other man aside. Turning he faced her. Once more her interrogation started as the man knealed before her and touched the dagger to her neck. Her eyes widened as she stared into the mans face. His eyes a cold, cruel blue, bald with only the beard on his chin. "You are testing my patience, tell us who you are and what we want to know or you will die right here, right now." He spat.

"I cant remember." she cried waiting for the man to make good on his word. Tears ran freely down her cheek. "I dont remember anything before I was awakened here."

"Let us hope you speak the truth." he whispered into her ear. His voice as cold as his eyes. "Roa stay with her, the rest of you follow me."

Sliding her way to a corner of the tent she watched as all but one of the men left. _'Oh god what is happening to me.' _she prayed to herself. She forced herself to dig into her mind, to uncover any memory she could but she found none.

"She awoke after being out for nearly two days. She says she remember nothing. Even when threatened with death."

"You should not have brought her here. You should have killed her Cynric." Cerdic said imposingly to his son. "People will begin to think you do not have the guts to kill a woman. Kill her."

"Father she can fight."

"I know she can fight! My men are dead because of her and now you bring her to our camp!" Cerdic shouted angrily to his son as he passed him.

"Judging by her armor and the weapons we found on her she must be Sarmatian father. Not only that but a Knight. A Samatian Knight father. She could fight with us." Cynric empossed.

"You say she remembers nothing so how can she fight." Cerdic said sarcastically to his son. "She is no use to us."

"But if we train her. Some part of her must know how to wield a sword by instinct. She doesnt know where her allegiance lies. What better way to attack at Rome than with one of their Knights." Cynric proposed, trying to persuade his father to see it his way.

At this out burst and blatent disreguard for his authority he raised a hand to strike down his son, but Cynric's idea intrigued him. "A Sarmatian Knight." He said lowering his hand._'Take down Rome with one of their men_.'

"Yes father. Should she remember we could..."

"Hope she does not. If she steps out of line I will kill her myself. Train her. If her memory should return kill her." Cerdic said to his son as he passed by. "Cynric," he said as his sat down to drink."dont disobey me again." He said cooly as his son followed after him. "A Sarmatian fighting for Saxons." Cynric mused.

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She waited for the man to return with her fate. She struggled to remember, a name, a place but, to no avail. Her memory was gone. The pain began to ease from her body by the time he returned. He brought a man with him. Older, his eyes showed his age and his dislike of her.

"Roa leave us." Cerdic said demandingly as he entered. The man he called Roa left without hestitation. Walking to her he towered before her. His eyes showed her no warmth only the harshness of what was to come. "You will fight with us, or you will die. The choice is yours but bear in mind I will not hesitate to strike you down without remorse or thought. Understand." Cerdic spoke, his eyes filled with hatred fueled by the images of the men of his she had killed. Men she did not remember killing.

She stared up at him and in her heart she knew his threat to be true so she did the only thing she could think of, she nodded in compliance. Fight or die. She would fight.

"Cynric, release her." Cerdic said. Unsheathing his dagger his son stepped forth but was stopped short by his father. "Tame her or kill her." With that Cerdic left.

Cynric knelt before her and unbound her ankles and wrists. "Clean yourself up and come outside." With a nod she obeyed and grabbed the piece of clothe he threw at her feet before he left. Her head still throbbed but it was faint. Reaching up she felt the blood that caked her skin and started to wipe it away. Reaching to the back of her head she felt a large lump that hurt to the touch. Rising the room spun and her head pounded all the more. Struggling she made her way to the entrance of the tent. A sword was tossed to her feet.

"Pick it up." He growled. Others looked on in amusement as she lifted the sword up. "Now fight."

She stared at him with questioning eyes. "But I dont..." The back of his hand stung her cheek and caused her nose to bleed and her eyes to sting.

"You will do as you are told. No questions. Do as you are told and speak when you are told. Disobey and you will regret it." Cynric spat. Hatred laced his tongue. "Now fight."


	6. AN

**AN: Just wanted to apologize for my last chapter. The whole kidnapped memory loss thing went pretty quickly. I wrote it at like 230 am because i couldnt sleep and I wasnt quite sure how I should approach it. the other ones will be better. I thank everyone who reads and those who review.**


	7. Unexpected meeting

The sun shone through the heavens but in his heart Lancelot felt the cold pain of loneliness. He watched as the memorial was set into place and her swords dug into the earth like all the fallen Knights before her. Their was no body to bury, no body to give on last kiss or look. Only the cool steal of her blades that stuck forth from the earth. The others had left him alone to his thoughts after the ceremony had taken place and he couldn't find the will to move from the foot of her empty grave. The birds sang in the distance and the wind cast his hair over his eyes and back again but he didnt hear them or he didnt care. The thoughts of what she must've went through filled his mind. Images of her fighting the Saxons, calling for help. Calling to him. He swore he heard her voice on the air, the sound of blades connecting and her last cry. Did she call for his help. Did she call for him at all.

"I'm sorry." He whispered to the air as he looked to the heavens. He saw her smiling face. Saw the children they would never have. The live they would never share and his heart began to break all over again. His eyes began to mist over with the tears he still had left and the sky, once clear, now wept with him.

**8 Years Later**

Soon she began to understand his ways of making her regret and learned to do as was told without thought. She fought when told, spoke when told and killed when told to kill. Anything to keep from his punishments. Every day she practices, trained. With swords, daggers, bows, it didnt matter, she found herself skilled with all weapons the gave her. She counted the years as they passed. Nearing eight in total. Eight years of Cynrics beatings, years of being forced to share his bed. Years of honing her skills led her to this point. To this field and to the enemies that headed her way.

"How many do you see Kendra? a voice from below asked. Looking down from her perch she stared at the Saxon standing below.

"Seven in all" She said returning her gaze to oncoming men. "Six Knights and a Roman commander. They are to far away to be sure but I believe the Knights are Sarmatian." She noted the look the man gave her when she looked back down to him. "We have faced Sarmatians before, we will triumph again. Ready the men." she said jumping down from her perch. Still covered with the blood of those they had recently killed. Staring coldy into the mans eyes as she stood. "They are not to live past this point. Kill them all." Her voice harsh and coated with hatred for the enemy.

The man left and told the small band to prepare to fight. They did not number many. Not now at least. They had numbered nearlly 30 when the had started. Now they were only 18 in number. More than twice the number of the mounted men coming their way. All they had to do was to kill these men and wait for the main army to arrive. They had crusaded for days to clear a path for Cerdic and the main host. So that they could overtake some holy man and his home. Some traitor to the enemy fed them information about the family. Some link to the Pope. A holy man and his family should fetch a pretty sum for Cedric and his army and if all else failed it would make others think twice before standing against his Saxon band. Finally on this mission Kendra had earned the right to lead the small band. Not his best warriors but they got done what needed to be done. She had not been told they would face Sarmatians on this quest. The informant would surely pay for overlooking this fact. The sound of the hoofs in the distance caught her ear and brung her back to her horrid reality.

"So it begins." she said. On her command the men jumped out all around the small band of horsed men.

"Ambush!" The Roman shouted to his men.

She watched as her men left their sheltered hideaways and attacked. In unision the Knights on horseback dimounted and armed themselves. Two of her men had stayed behind waiting for her word. She watched as several of her men fell to their deaths by the hands of the enemy. Her eyes surveyed the knights until they fell on one Knight in particular. His blades shown in the sun as he easily began to kill her men.

"That one." She said signaling to the dark haired Knight, "He will be the first to die." The men rushed out to kill their foe with her close behind.

...Swords raised and ready to kill he whipped around ready to take down another. "Is it me or are the Saxons getting easier to kill." He shouted to the others.

"I think you may be right Lancelot." The red haired man answered laughing as he took down a Saxon.

Looking to his comrades he saw each covered with the blood of the enemy. Few of the Saxons remained standing. Out of the corner of his eye he saw three more emerging from the trees. Turning he met the first one, blade to blade. Easily Lancelot cut him down and moved on to the next. The second proved to be harder to beat. As he busied himself with the man before him he had nearly forgot about the third. WIth the butt of his sword Lancelot knocked the man to the blood soaked ground, buying him enough time to locate the remaining Saxon, just in time to block a sword coming straight for his head. To the Knights suprise it was a woman and not a man who sung the deadly blade. He found himself gazing into the womans blue eyes. Cold like the blade that she swung. Hair dark like his own.

"Lillian." Lancelot whispered as their eyes exchanged glances between their blades. Pushing her away Lancelot looked on at her in disbelief. _'It cant be her. Can it?' _His mind raced with the thought. For the first time since he had last seen her his heart jumped. A roaring scream from behind caught the distracted Knights attention. Turning, one of his twin swords caught the man in the abdomen bringing him to the ground. All around him Lancelot heard the triumphant roar of his fellow Knights. Swords still in hand he turned to find her. She now stood armed and ready. Blood layered her armored clothing and streaked her face. Looking into her eyes he yearned to see recognition but he saw none. He saw the look of a warrior ready to take down her enemy. He saw hate. In a rage she attacked. He deflected every blow not wanting to strike her down.

"Lillian stop." he shouted at her trying to get her to desist. She swung hard and in every direction each blow fueled with anger and the desire to kill him. She sunk to the ground and kicked his feet out from under him, knocking him to the blood soaked earth. He hit hard and stared up at her. Wounds from a previous battle clearly bleeding from underneath their hastly fastened bandages

"Its me. Lancelot." He shouted to her to listen. Her blade hung high over her head as she stared down at the man.

"I know no Lancelot. Time to die Knight of Sarmatia."

"Wonder how many more suprises await us." Arthur said wiping his blade clean.

"Look at that," Bors said pointing and laughing. "Lancelot toying with one."

All eyes looked to the dark haired knight while he deflected every swing his foe swung at him.

"Why doesnt he put the poor rut out of his misery." Galahad asked looking on at the site before him.

They watched as the Saxon sunk low and swept the feet out from under Lancelot.

"He does plan to kill him doesnt he?" Galahad asked waiting for Lancelot to stop goofing around and strike.

They watched as the Saxon raised the sword high above their fallen knight.

"Thats no man." Dagonet whispered peering at the figure. His voice so low no one heard him. "Its a woman." He watched as the wind removed the hair covering the womans face. _'Lillian' _he rubbed his eyes in disbelief. Its her. It had to be her.

"TRISTAN!" Arthur shouted urgency in his voice. Without hesitation the man readied an arrow.

"NO!" Dagonet shouted running to Tristan in an effort to stop him.

"NO!"

The sound rose above the wind and caught her ear. Turning around she saw the man release the arrow. Falling to the ground she attempted to dodge its path. She winced as the arrow caught her right shoulder. With her good arm she cushioned her fall. Looking she saw the arrow protruding from its mark. With her left hand she hurridly attempted to pull it out. She bit her lip drawing blood as she pulled out the instrument that pierced her flesh. The blood from the deep wound spewed forth and all around her scenery began to blur and voices became faint. The combination of injuries before this battle had already caused loss of blood and soon she bagan to fell cold. She struggled to rise but that only caused the blood to come forth faster. Picking up her sword she held it out to fight. Haziness took over and her arms and body became heavy

"I'll...I'll" She struggled to say before she fell.

His heart stopped when she fell, the arrow sticking out from her arm. Looking to Tristan his saw him lower his bow. He saw his look turn from satisfaction to shock and horror as Dagonet spoke to him. At a fast pace Tristan and Dagonet walked over to Lancelot. He watched as she attempted to stand, her body quivered at the loss of blood. He stood and looked upon the blood that streaked down from her shoulder, her eyes began to gloss and her lids began to fall.

"I'll... I'll" She said and fell. Her body finally giving in.

Lancelot rushed to catch her before she hit the ground. In his arms he brushed her hair back from her face. He wiped away the blood that covered her in an effort to see if it was trully her and not his eyes playing tricks on him. One harm held her strongly while the other gently touched her face. Arthur and the others now gathered around him. In their eyes he saw the same disbelief that he felt. Standing he held her securely in his arms. His eyes said what all others were begininning to think.

"Tristan, ride ahead and find a secure location to set up camp. She needs medical attention." Arthur said still looking at the unconscious woman the was held in the Knights arms. Taking one last glance before he left Tristan set out to find a camping spot. "Gather the horses."

Before long Tristan returned with news of a nearby location and all were off. Dagonet warned on traveling to far for fear she may not make it. Quickly they left, fighting against time. Tristan led the way followed by Arthur and the others. Lancelot followed, with the woman riding with him.


	8. a familiar awakening

Darkness was all around her as she struggled to open her eyes. In the dimness of the tent she saw the glow of a small fire outside and the sound of the crackling of the flames. Looking around in the dim light she found herself enclosed in a tent.

"Well, this seems strangely familiar." She said softly to herself remembering the day she woke in the Saxon camp. Like that day her body surged with pain, but after the years she spent with Cynric this was nothing. She had experienced far worse from her Saxon commander. Forcing herself she raised herself to a sitting position. She had been covered with several blankets and to her suprise she was not bound. From the fire light outside she surveyed the space about her looking for her weapons, she cursed when she saw they were gone. She replayed the battle in her mind. Cyndric and Cerdic would not be happy with her when she returned. She had lost her entire group of men, she would pay dearly for it. The sound of approaching footsteps brought her eyes to the flap of the tent. Crouching, a man entered carrying a bowl and a few pieces of clothe. Standing upright he towered over her. His head was shaven and a scare was borne on his face. As he made his was to her she backed herself up but soon found that she was cornered, unarmed and alone with the enemy.

The man must have seen the panic in her eyes for when he spoke it was quiet and without loathing. "I mean you no harm. You must remain still or the wound will reopen." he signaled to the bandaged that covered her shoulder wound. "The others did not need much attention and only needed to be cleaned. You passed out from the loss of blood."

Her fingers stroked the still fresh cuts that were on her legs and torso before she looked to her shoulder. The blood started to seep through the bandage that covered it.

"It needs to be cleaned before it gets infected." He said placing the bowl and clothe on the ground beside him. Dipping one piece into the water he reached up to remove the bandage.

"Dont touch me!" She shouted. Beating his hand away she retreated as far back as she could.

Her actions caused him to be taken back. "I mean you no harm, you , must trust me. If I do not cleanse the would it will get infected and it may have to be removed, if you survived the infection." The woman before him still huddled in the corner, unwilling to trust in his words. Her eyes wide with anticipation and what he believed to be fear. "I am Dagonet." His said trying to get her to lower her guard.

"I know you." She uttered, her voice laced with bitterness. The man looked at her with suprise in his eyes. "You are Sarmatian. You and the others killed my men!"

"Not all." Dagonet answered with a little chuckle in his voice, "Atleast I dont think so."

Her eyes filled with spite with the man before her as he laughed at her fallen commrades. True she did not like them, but the were in her charge and the guilt of their deaths filled her mind.

"Please." He urged, washclothe in hand. "I will not hurt you."

"Tell that to the one that shot me." Kendra said still refusing his aid.

"In Tristans defense you were trying to kill one of us." Dagonet said "Now please." He persisted.

Watching every move the man made, Kendra reluctantly let him clean her injury. Every move she watched and waited for him to strike, for him to reveal a weapon and kill her right there, but none came. He noticed her eyes watching him. _'What did they do to you'_ he thought to himself. As gently as his rough hands could manage he unwrapped her wound and rinsed it clean. The water, once clear and clean, now was dark and bloodied.

"So what do you and your men intend to do to me Sarmatian? What ever you have in mind I can asure you it has already been done." hostility hung in her words as she spoke.

"Dagonet. As for you fate, that is not for me to decide. Arthur will be the one to answer that." Dagonet answered, his eyes searched her face for recognition a hint of knowing but none came. "You were brave to take on Lancelot by yourself after you men were dead." His eyes still searched her face.

"And I would have won had I not been hit." she spat, "Atleast then I would have had something to show for my failure. The death of a Sarmatian by my hands...Cerdic may have forgiven me for the lose of his men.."

Dagonet could not believe his ears. This could not be the woman he had known eight years ago. The one that fought beside them, the one who had given her heart away to the man she now admitted she wanted to kill.

"All done." He said collecting the dirty rags and water.

Looking from her shoulder to his eyes she saw something the Saxons had never shown her. Compassion. Compassion and pain wrought his face.

"You should rest for a little while longer. Are you hungry?" he asked eyeing the womans frame. "I will return." he said preparing to leave.

"Why?" she spoke quietly "Why do you look at me the way you do."

"Excuse me?" Dagonet answered.

Her eyes met with his. "Why do you look at me with kindness. I am your enemy."

"Because... you remind me of someone I knew long ago." he answered. Sadness filling his voice. "I will return with your food."

She waited until his footsteps fell faint before she moved. Reaching up she felt the new bandage that wrapped her shoulder, it did not hurt much. On her knees she reached the flap of the tent and peered out into the night. She watched as Dagonet crouched before a roaring fire and began to load miscallaenious items onto a plate. She counted the men that surrounded the fire. Six Knights and the Roman commander. Her men had killed known of them.

"Cerdic will not be pleased." she said to herself. Her mind pondered the possible scenarios that could take place were she to return without her group. She watched as the men conversed. Occasionally one would look over or point to the tent that hid her from the world. As hard as she listened she could not hear what they were saying.


	9. What to do

"How is she?" Lancelot asked when Dagonet finally emerged from the tent. "Its Lillian isn't it?" his voice filled with a mix of emotion. He waited while Dagonet threw out the bloodied water and sat down beside them. Grabbing a plate he started to adorn it with food.

"Her wounds will heal in time. There is no infection as of yet but she should be okay." Dagonet answered quietly. His troubling thoughts showing through his eyes. " I mentioned several of our names and nothing. No sign of recognition. Nothing. Its as though everything about her life has been swept from her mind. Atleast the part concerning us."

"You're saying she doesnt remember any of us. Nothing at all?" Galahad asked looking at him with sullen eyes. Dagonet nodded sadly.

"She led the group that attacked us. She made it clear she wanted us dead." Dagonet said looking to the tent.

"Impossible. Lillian hates Saxons. She wouldn't fight, let alone lead an army of them and against us." Bors said, his hand signaling to the tent. "Shes our blood."

"She doesnt know that." Dagonet said filling the plate. "If the woman we know as Lillian lay in that tent then something is wrong with her, if not, then it is just a Saxon who looks like her. Either way the woman we knew as Lillian is not here. Not anymore atleast."

"That is Lillian. I know it. I can feel it in my heart that is she." Lancelot said rising. Walking a few paces he stared at the shelter that housed her.

"She meant to kill you Lancelot. She said so herself." Dagonet spoke, part of him wanting to believe that the woman was Lillian and wondering what trully happened that day eight year ago.

"Lillian would not have killed me and you know that." Lancelot shot back not wanting to believe the woman he loved would cause him harm.

"No, **Lillian **wouldn't. But that woman in there, she's..."

"Lucky to be alive after Tristan shot at her." Lancelot spoke harshly walking over to the Knight in question. "If you wouldn't have shot her..."

"You would have had a sword embedded in you." Gawain spoke placing himself between the two. "If what Dagonet says is true, if it is, then she would have killed any of us. The fact is we dont know what she's thinking right now."

"Regardless of her intent or identity, something is not right here." Arthur said finally speaking. Rising he walked next to a tree and rested himself upon it, eyes transfixed on the tent. "Dagonet and Gawain are right. We do not know what she has been through or how long she has been in the Saxon hands. We take no chances tonight. We shall take watch as usual but arm yourselves. Be ready for anything."

"You dont think she would attempt to attack us in the night do you, and injured no less." Bors asked.

"I dont know what to think when it comes to her. Just hours ago we thought Lillian to be dead by Saxon hands, now she may be alive and in that tent. For all we know she may just be a woman who looks like Lillian. All I know is if you take an injured animal and enclose it, if it fears for its life it will do just about anything to get free." Arthur answered sadly. "Let her rest for the night, we will talk to her in the morning as we ride."

"Do you intend to keep her prisoner?" Galahad asked, his youthful face questioning his commanders request.

"We cannot risk her warning other Saxons and leading them to us. Once we are safely at Hadrians Wall she will be free to leave. So I guess, if that how you see it, then yes." Arthur answered returning to the fire.

"I dont know Arthur. There is something about the way she acted when I was in there," Dagonet said walking to Arthurs side. "on some level she is afraid of them. She is afraid to fail them but I believe she also afraid to be with them. What ever they did to her, it worked. She fears them. She jerks when a hand comes to touch her. Her eyes are always watching as if waiting for something to happen. By keeping her prisoner we only give her more reason not to trust us."

"Let her rest. We will take this one day at a time. All of you keep a quiet eye. Be ready for anything." Arthur answered looking to each of his knights. Eyes finally landing on Lancelot. "We take no chances."

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She watched from afar as the debate drew itself out. Not sure what was said she saw several of the men rise and confront one another. One of which was the man with the two blades. Lancelot the taller man had called him. _'Probably cursing the man for not killing her with his shot.' _she thought to herself. The Roman stood against a tree, staring over at her. Although she was hidden behind the clothe of the tent she felt is eyes peering at her. She returned to her position in the corner when she saw Dagonet returning. Hands full.

"Here." He said entering the tent and laying the food near her. "Its not much but it will help give you strength." She took the offering greedily and was about to eat when she noticed the Sarmatian staring. Then a thought crossed her mind, what if the food had been poisened. Meant to kill her. She glanced a suspicious stare to the plate of food and to the Knight before her.

As though reading her mind Dagonet grabbed a bit of the food that lined the plate he took a bite. "It is safe." Next he took a sip of the drink he had offered hoping to ease her suspicions.

Taking the plate into her hands she grabbed the bread and ate. The food settled the disturbance in her stomach. Looking up she saw the man still sitting by her. "Thank you." she whispered unsure of what was to happen. Was this a trick to get her to talk. Give her food then deprive her of it. She didnt know.

"Get some rest." Dagonet spoke. "I will not let anyone hurt you. None of us will." His mind wondered back to his childhood days. He had always been big for his age which worked out to his advantage when it came to his chores and rough housing with other boys. The girls got frightened when he would go near. All but Lillian. He remembered when she first came up to him. He expected a harsh word but he found kindness. She became his friend. Much like the sister that he had lost years before they met and he watched over her like the brother she never had. He had promised to watch over her and protect her and now her she is, if it is indeed her, broken on the inside and bruised on the outside. He had failed her. He found her watching him and decided to leave her in peace. "Sleep well."

"Kendra." She answered aloud as the knight started to leave. "The Saxons call me Kendra."

The man turned around his eyes searching her. "And before then?" He asked watching as the woman hung her head.

"Sleep well Kendra." Dagonet spoke gently bowing while he left her.

Once the flap was closed she drank and ate all she was given and drowsiness began to take her once more.


	10. A man in the dark

**AN: Sorry about the delay on updating. I had finals to do but they are over now. I tried to submit again last night but the internet was down where I lived. Thankfully its back up. Again I am sorry about the delay and for those who want to see her remember that is coming soon. Enjoy.**

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_'Drop your sword will you.' Cynric said, his voice hissed with anger. His clenched fist slamming into her gut and knocking her to the ground. She coughed dryly as she struggled to breathe. "Never drop your weapon!' he shouted down at her. As she struggled to stand she was forced to the ground once more with a kick to her side._

_'I'm sorry. It will not happen again.' she announced gasping for the air he had knocked from her._

_'No, it will not." Cynric spoke retrieving a red hot blade from the fire. 'Hold her.' Quickly strong arms held her down and held her arm outstretched._

_'Please dont.' she whispered to unhearing ears. Slowly he made his way towards her. The hizzing of the blade as it came through the aircaused her eyes to widen. _

_'Never...Drop..your...weapon." He said sternly and without hestitation he lay the blade on her bare skin. The flesh burned to the touch and tears stung her eyes. Clenching her teeth to keep from screaming her jaw trembled. Pressing harder against her flesh she soon gave into the pain and screamed._

She woke with a start. Her hair lighty drenched from her sweating. Quickly she glanced around her waiting for another strike. As her dream began to fade and she realised where she was. Reaching to her upper left arm she could still feel the pain the hot blade had inflicted years ago. The sky was still dark and the glow of the fire that was outside was all but gone. Realising her captures could all be asleep she rose from her makeshift bed and approached the flap of the tent. As she listened she heard footsteps in the distance. Waiting for them to pass their sound became louder. As quickly as she could Kendra dove back into the bed and closed her eyes. Squinting slightly in the dark she saw the figure enter and walk towards her. Her heart began to race and she feared the figure could hear it beat. Slowly the figure approached and knealt down beside her. In the dimness of the tent, from the moon outside, she saw him reach for her. Unarmed she looked for an object to defend herself with when she saw it. A slight reflection of light off of the handle of a dagger that lay clasped to his belt. Quickly she reached out and retrieved it, slicing at the mans arm. The quickness of her move caused the pain in her arm to reignite giving the dark figure the opportunity to catch her wrists and subdue her efforts.

As her eyes adjusted, the light from the outside came forth showing the mans features. It was the Roman. Wrists still bound by the his strong grip he looked at her in suprise.

"Couldnt sleep?" He asked. His voice low he waited for her answer but all she did was stare at him defiently. "How is your arm?" he asked still holding her firmly.

"Hows yours." she responded harshly. Still holding the small dagger in hand.

Looking down Arthur saw a small amount of blood begin to seep through his shirt. "Fair enough." He answered. A small smile donned his face at the irony of the situation. "I am not going to hurt you. I only came to check on you. Now, if you drop the weapon I will set you free."

Holding his gaze she realised she had no means of escape and reluctently she let the small blade fall to the ground between them.

"Thats better." He said releasing her from his embrace. Picking up the dagger he set to place it back when he saw her shuffle back. "I mean you no harm. I only meant to check on your injury." He said placing the dagger into its sheath. "So how is your arm?"

"I dont know, How about you let me shoot you with an arrow. Then you could tell me." she said coldly.

"I think I shall pass." he answered with a chuckle. "May I ask how it came to be that you are fighting with Saxons. From my understanding, women are not allowed to fight." he added more seriously.

"They dont. I am the only one." She answered.

"Interesting." he answered. His eyes looked her up and down. "You know, for 15 years I have fought Saxons but I have never fought a Saxon with armoring such as yours." He said motioning to the insignia that lined several pices of her armor. "That is Sarmatian if I not mistaken." Looking down she saw the crest that lay engraved unto her wrist bands. "Sarmatians usually ingrave their armor in the belief that it will protect them from danger. May I know as how it is you came to don such armor?"

"Perhaps I killed a Sarmatian and took it as a souvenier." she answered her voice unwaivering against his inclinations.

"I hope it was not anyone that I know." he responded. "I also took notice of your sword, its blade is crude, but you carried it rather well in battle. Better then some Saxons."

"It does its job." she answered her stare boaring into him.

"And what might that be?" he asked.

"Killing Romans." she answered easily. Her eyebrow arched as she spoke, mocking the man before her.

"Then I should hope I am not on the recieving end." He spoke calmy. "I am Arthur."

"Kendra." She said aloud.

"Kendra, if I may ask, how long you have been fighting for the Saxons?" Arthur asked.

"What is it to you Roman."Kendra answered. "Do what you will to me, I am not afraid of you or your men. You will learn nothing from me."

"I am not wanting of knowledge of the Saxons only of the woman that sits before me." he spoke looking into her eyes sincerely. Defiance still evident in her glare. "I do not expect you to trust me or my men but, if you believe one thing I say, believe this, no harm will come to you in our presence."

"Trust a man who sneaks in on a sleeping woman in the night. You will excuse me if I find that difficult to do." she said coldly.

Arthur looked at her, trying to picture the knight he knew years ago. Dagonet was right, what ever the Saxons had done they had done well. "You should rest, the men and I leave at daylight. If you are better in the morning you may go on your way or join us if you like."

"Whats the catch Roman. I start to leave and you shoot me in my back or I go with you and am forced to give up information on the Saxons." she asked.

"No catch. Just a choice. Return to the Saxons and face your fate with them. A fate which you probably know full well will happen. Or you can ride off on your own, never knowing if what the next day will bring. Or... you can ride on with us."

"I see no difference in riding off or going with you." she said, her voice monotone.

"You can ride off alone, possibly face Saxons or woads, outnumbered, alone. But with me and my men you will be safe. In a group, protected." He answered. From the moonlight that shown through he swore he saw a touch of yearning in her eyes.

"No one can protect me from Cynric." she answered trying to hide the fear in her voice.

"How do you know unless you give someone a chance." Arthur said softly. "You should rest. Think on what I have said and in the morning you may make your choice. Goodnight Kendra." With a bow Arthur left her with her thoughts. Making his way to a sleeping Lancelot he woke him from his dreaming.


	11. Introductions

"Arthur." the knight said groggly at the sight of the Roman before him. "My turn already?"

"Yes my friend." Trading places Arthur slid to the ground a fell back against the tree.

Running his finger through his hair Lancelot looked to the tent in the distance. "You know I woke several times throughout the night and looked to the tent. Each time I woke I thought I was dreaming."

"Dreaming what my friend?" Arthur asked eyes closed.

"That the woman in the tent was Lillian. When I thought she was dead I would sleep at night thinking of her, not wanting to wake. But now, I feared falling asleep for the thought of waking and seeing her gone."

"I am trully sorry my friend." Arthur said opening his eyes to look at his friend. "I know how much you cared for her, how much you still do. I am sorry for what has happened. If that is Lillian, I pray that she remembers so that you may find the happiness with her that for so long you thought you lost."

"After 15 years of hell you still pray to your god. You must have some faith." Lancelot smiled.

"She was still awake when I left her, she may still be if you wish to talk to her." Arthur said. He saw the want in the knights eyes as he spoke.

"You talked to her?" Lancelot questioned knealing to his friend. "What did she say?" He asked.

"Nothing much. Dagonet was right, what ever they did to her they did well." Arthur revealed, seeing the anger for Saxons in Lancelots auburn eyes. "I asked her to come with us when we leave."

"Asked her? I thought you were going to make her come with us to Hadrians Wall?" Lancelot asked confusion struck his deep eyes.

"Forcing her to come with us will not make her trust us, or remember. If anything it will make her want to go back to them, or run." Arthur asked reasoning with the dark knight. "You need faith that she will make the right choice Lancelot."

Silence fell between the two men for some time before Lancelot broke it. "Rest Arthur." he said leaving the roman to embrace the peacefulness of sleep.

Walking away Lancelot made his way to the tent, reaching a hand out he took a deep breath before pulling it aside. Looking in he saw her asleep. The blood had been washed from her face when Dagonet had first tended to her wound revealing to him the woman he knew so long ago. He watched as her chest rose with every breath, breaths he thought she would never have. He blamed himself for whatever the Saxons had put her through and the guilt ate at him. _'How could I have given up so easily. Every day I drank to forget the longing I felt, years of bedding women in a vain effort to forget her and all this time she was alive. Alive and in Saxons hands. As I drank to forget her, she needed me most.' _Taking on last look he let the flap fall into place, concealing her from his vision. The rest of the night he sat by a tree near the entrance of her tent waiting for the sun to rise and for her to emerge. With one hand he dug at the neck of his armor until he found what he had searched for. Looking down he looked at the white pendant. Fingering its markings he looked to the tent then to the stars. _'I will always love you Lancelot.' _her voice echoed clearly in his mind. He could see her effortlessly in his mind. Her hair hung about her shoulders reaching to the middle of her back. Her armor and her twin swords. Swords he helped her to master. Her eyes blue as the sky. The love he saw behind them. How he wished for her to wake and to see it once more.

_'Tell me again Lancelot.'_ _her voice echoed_.

_'I have already told you.' he answered laughing as he held her close. _

_Pinning him down she looked into his eyes. 'I know but I want to hear it again.' she spoke. Bribing him with a kiss._

_'You do not play fairly.' he answered._

_'Alls fair in love and war Lancelot.' she said smiling. 'Please.' She added, pouting her lips._

_'I love you Lillian.' he said smiling wrapping his arms tighter around her._

_'And dont you forget it.' she replied playfully._

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She did not sleep much more that night. Thoughts of the choice she would make ravaged through her head. Whether she trusted the Roman or not she had to admit he was right. She knew what fate had instore for her if she returned to the Saxons and she was in no condition to travel alone. Night faded to dawn as the the woods became alive with the sound of birds welcoming the new day. She waiteduntil she heard the movement of the men before she walked out. She saw the small group packing their things and readying their horses. As soon as she was clear of the tent two of them began taking it down. The one with long red hair the other wore it short and dark. His face showed his youth. Others looked on as she walked amongst them. Before long she saw Arthur and he came forth.

"Good morning Kendra." He said with a slight bow of his head. "I trust you have come to a decision?"

"You and your men cannot save me from Cynric." she said softly so no others could hear. "But I stand a better chance with all of you then on my own. At least for now."

"Well thats a start. Lancelot!" He shouted. From behind her the man came holding the reigns of a horse. "This horse will bear you while you are with us."

"Arthur!" A man on horse back called out emerging from the trees. His hair was straight and hung passed his chin. On his face he bore markings of some kind. She recognized him as the one who had shot at her with the arrow.

"I am glad to hear you have decided to ride with us M'Lady." Lancelot said bringing her attention to him. She marveled at the deepness of his brown eyes as the pierced into the blue of hers. When he stretched his hand to hers she swore in his eyes she saw the same emotion of the others but, something else. Something hidden.

"I would have thought otherwise." she said taking the reigns from his outstretched hand. She paused for a moment when their hands met. She saw the look in his eyes. Uneasiness swept over her as she brought her hand from his. "Your name is Lancelot right?" she asked softly.

"Last time I checked." he answered her, giving her a sly grin.

"Knights, we ride." Arthurs commanding voice filled the air. Lancelot obeyed his command and turned to fetch his horse. She watched as he left and mounted his horse. A black steed with fire in his eyes. Turning back Lancelot felt her gaze and smiled warmly at her and nodded his head. Mounting the light colored horse she was given, fell in line behind Arthur and Lancelot. Beside her rode Dagonet. The one they called Tristan led the way with his hawk soaring through the morning sky.


	12. Marius

**AN: Sorry for the delay in writing I will try and have a chapter up every day or two. I hope. I hope you like this chapter. I shortened the scene a bit from the movie just to get it going. As for Lillian remembering, that will ba along very shortly. Please R&R and I will submit again soon. Hope you like it.**

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The gates departed as the small band entered. Serfs stood everywhere and glanced up and the newcomers. Kendra could feel their eyes gazing upon her.

"It is a wonder you have come." A man spoke emerging from the house before them. "Arthur and his knights You have fought Woads, vile creatures." He said as he reached forth his hand to touch one of the mens horses. Kendra chuckled as the Knight that rode him pulled his mount away.

"Our orders are to evacuate you immediately." Arthur annound sternly. The man was taken back in suprise by his words.

"Thats immposible." Marius interjected.

Ignoring the mans words and gaze Arthur looked around him. "Which is Alecto?" he asked as his eyes surveyed the people.

Slowly a boy raised his hand in answer. "I am Alecto." The boy was young, in his teens.

_'So this is the one everyone is after. Doesnt look like much. He is but a child.' _Lillian thought to herself as she looked him up and down.

"Alecto is my son. And everything we have is here in the land given to us by the Pope of Rome." Marius said proudly.

"Well, you are about to give it to the Saxons." Lancelot interrupted. All around people showed the fear in their eyes from the knights announcement. Looking to her right she watched the dark Knight sway side to side with the movement of his steed. She knew what their future would be, all of their lives would be taken if they were caught by the Saxons. She had to marvel at the mans cool air with the thought of impeeding Saxons. Soon his eyes fell upon her. The darkness and the mystery of them captivated her. He nodded and smiled at her and for reasons unknown she felt her heart race. She was not sure why this Knight in particular intrigued her so.

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Lancelot couldnt believe the mans arrogance. They are here risking their lives to save him and his family so that they may be granted their freedom and he refuses to leave. He hoped fear of the Saxons would sway his choice in their favor. Looking around him Lancelot saw the horror that veiled everyones eyes after he announced the invasion. He looked into the sea of people and he saw her watching him. Arthur voice filled his head, _'Let us deal with one task at a time Lancelot. Let us get the familly safely back to the wall, then, all of us, will sit her down and tell her the truth of who she is. We do not need to add more problems to our plate already._ _I promise my friend, she will be told.' _With freedom soon in hand and the woman he loved alive Lancelot smiled at her with thoughts of the future.

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"Back to work! All of you! Get back to work!" The voice shouted bringing them both back to the events at hand. Marius was infuriated and all around them his henchmen were beating the serfs away. Threats spewed from their mouths and blows reigned down and it bacame an all to familiar sight for Kendra. Before she knew it Arthur was off his horse and stood imposingly before Marius. The power hungry man cowered and fell from his high pedestal in fear of the Roman before him.

"If I fail to bring you and your son back, my men can never leave this land." Anger and frustration seeped through his clenched jaw. "So you are coming with me if I have to tie you to my horse and drag you all the way to Hadrians Wall myself. My lord." His threat clearly left no room for further argument. "Lady my Knights are hungry."

Looking around she saw the shock on the faces of the serfs do to the tone Arthur had taken. Eventually her eyes fell on one serf in particular. Staring past the one they called Bors, she dismounted. The man lay bound, and whipped to the point of bleeding. Left to hang for all to see. Slowly Kendra made her way through the Knights and the sea of people. Reaching for her arm Lancelot tried to keep her away but to no avail. Shrugging his arm away she continued to the man till she stood close enough to see the deepness of his wounds. Before she knew it Arthur was beside her with excalibur in hand. Looking from the sword to the mans eyes she saw sadness.

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Arthur drew his gaze from a rock layed cellar when he heard murmurs beind him. Between the masses of horses he saw her move. Following her gaze he saw the man hanging and near death.

Quickly he made his way to his horse and to his sword Excalibur. Unsheathing his blade he made his way to the ghastly sight. Walking past her he looked at her and he felt a pain of sadness hit him for the man and for her.

"Who is this man?" he asked to all who now surrounded him.

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Their voices echoed and faded as she gazed upon the man and the device that held him. She was not sure how long she stood their unmoving and silent before Arthurs voice cut through. She looked to him as he pointed the blade of excalibur to all.

"I tell you now, Marius in not of God. And you," he said before turning to her, "all of you, were free from your first breath." She felt for certain he had wanted her to hear him. Without further hesitation he cut at the rope that bound the man. Kendra watched as the mans body gave way and collapsed to the ground. All energy to stand had been drained from days of punishment. Soon her vision of the man was blocked by the figure of Arthur.

"Are you all right." he asked softly to her.

Slowly her eyes met his. No emotion lay on her face. "You freed him."

"No one deserves to be punished like that. No one." he said directly.

"Not everyone has you to save them Arthur." she answered quietly.

"They flanked us on the east; they are coming from the South, trying to cut off our escape. They will be here by nightfall."

"How many?" Arthur asked.

"An entire army."

In the distance drums could be heard and a shiver went throughout Kendras body.


	13. Bad Omens

As quickly as they could they started their way to Hadrians Wall but with the large group they now brung it was difficult. Arthur had extended they invitiation of protection to all who would come and to several people he had found imprisoned in the brick building. Kendra had looked upon the markings of the woman that Arthur had carried out, she was a Woad. Behind him Dagonet carried out a small child. A boy, his arm had been broken so Dagonet attended to him. Marius had become furious at Arthur and his Knights for freeing them. Saying that the prisoners refused to do Gods work. Slapping his wife to the ground Arthur hit him hard causing him to fall. When Arthur had placed excalibur at his throat she thought for sure he would kill him, she would have. Instead he let him go and now they all traveled silentlly. The snow crunched and gaveway underneath them as they went on their way. In the distance the sound of drums could still be heard.

"You look worried." A voice came from behind her.

Turning she saw the young Knight. "Arent you?" she asked slowing down so that they may walk side by side.

"Yes, but unlike you no one can see it on my face." he answered. "Here." Reaching down he pulled a smal knife from his boot. "If we meet up with the Saxons you should be armed."

"Wont your commander be upset with you should he find out you gave me this." she spoke reaching for the weapon. She held it up just enough to see its marking reflected by what light passed through the clouds. Her eys fell from the markings on the blade to those that enlayed her wrist bracer. Both had nearly identical script.

"We shall see." he said his eyes darted to Arthur who stood talking to Lancelot. He did not see her staring intently at the Sarmatian symbols.

"Thank you." she said quickly placing it in her belt.

"Galahad." Bors said coming from behind them. "Gawain wishs to talk to you."

"Yeah, sure." Galahad exclaimed sarcastically.

"It was nice talking to you Galahad." she announced as he and Bors traded places beside her. She watched the young Knight head to the end of the long line.

"Hope he wasnt bother'n ya." Bors said in his deep voice.

"Bother me. Never." she spoke sarcastically.

The tone at which she said it caught the large Knight off guard. _'And forget my Knights. Never.' _But she had.

"Are you okay?" she asked after he didnt not respond.

"Me. Old Bors is just fine." he answered "Its just never is a long thing to promise."

"Can I ask you something Bors." she said looking to the man beside her. She saw the marks and scars that trailed his arms. If you were just meeting him he could be very imposing.

"Sure. What can old Bors do ya for."

"I was just wondering about..." her voice trailed off as she took in the sight before them. On the side of road that they walked on lay the bodies of countless soldiers. Men strewn about with blood staining the once white snow a deep red. "Oh my god." she said staring at the horror around her.

"I cant believe that you and your men did this." Bors said looking out at the fallen men.

"Thats just if," she started to say drawing her gaze to him and the others that had began to gather around them. "we didnt."

"What do you mean you didnt?" Arthur asked approaching her, his eyes searching hers.

"My men could fight yes, but not well enough to take down all of these men. To take down this many and live to tell it I would have needed and entire army. Cynric and the others must have done this." she answered dread filling her voice as she thought of Cynric and the others near.

"If they are here, then we must hurry." she said urgently to Arthur.

"Tristan, go to the front, I will join you shortly. The rest of you see if we can pick up the pace." Arthur said looking to his Knights then to the large group that they brought.

Tristan raced to the lead and the others spread out around the group trying to increase the pace.

"Arthur?" Kendra said before he left her alone. Turning the Roman looked her straight into the eyes. "If the Saxons come, how do you intend to save all of these people?"

"Let us hope it does not come to that Kendra." And with that the Roman took to the lead with Tristan. Kendra looked to the countless bodies once more before she fell into line with the others.

Tristan found a place for them to rest then for the night then set out to check the area. Rain and snow began to fall and behind her she heard Lancelot and the woad woman talking.

"Rain and snow at once. A bad omen." He spoke. His voice was rough and deep.

The combination of rain and snow fell down upon them and all became drenched. Looking up to the sky she saw Tristans bird flying high over them. The snow stung her face so much that she closed her eyes and the rain seeped through her clothes.

_"Get in here. You'll catch your death out there.' A woman said. Looking to the direction of the voice she saw a woman standing in a doorway to a small hutt. "You heard me get in here child. Honestly what am I to do with you."_

_"Oh mama I was just having fun."_

_"Fun or not rain and snow falling at once is a bad omen."_

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	14. Advice from a woad

Night had fallen and the rain and snow had stopped a while ago and the large group had settled down for the night. The Knights spread themselves out around the group for defense. Kendra found herself in a tent Guinevere. Her mind went back to the images she had seen earlier, not those of the men but the woman and the house.

"Why do you sit with me and not with your fellow Knights?" Guinevere questioned holding her hair to the side so that Marius' wife could bathe her back. Her question brought the young woman to the here and now.

"I am not their fellow Knight," Kendra answered fingering the small knife Galahad had given her.

"Well if you are not one of them who are you then?" Guinevere asked looking at the strange acting woman before her.

"I don't know." She answered softly. Looking up to the woad. Fulciana stopped her bathing long enough to look at her.

"How do you not know where you allegience lies?" Guinevere asked. Kendra dropped her head eyeing the ground between them as she struggled for an answer. None came as she slowly lifted her head and met the womans gaze once more. In her eyes Guinevere noticed the look of lose that swam the young womans blue eyes. "What do you remember?" she asked softly.

"I remember waking in the Saxon tent eight years ago and everything after. Nothing before. I know that I fight well, no matter what the weapon." Kendra answered her eyes wondered as she spoke, her voice was quiet with a small hint of longing.

"And those, were those given to you by the Saxons?" Guinevere asked motioning to the scars that marked her arm.

"Yes, some I had before the ones the Saxons gave me." She answered honestly looking down at the scars. Most of them had smoothed out others were not as forgiving.

"May I?" Guinevere asked reaching a hand out. Moving slightly closer Kendra permitted her touch. "Saxons are horrid people." she commented lightly grazing the scar on Kendra's upper left arm. "They care for nothing and no one. I am amazed that you lasted as long as you have with them."

"After a few years you start to accept your life among them. Eventually you loose all emotion and feeling. You are not really living, you just...are. Eventually you begin to forget the pain of the hits and you dont feel them anymore." Kendra answered her voice distant. After a moments pause she rose and walked to the entrance of the doorway and started out into the world.

"If those are the results of punishments why did you stay?" Guinevere asked, sympathy showing in her eyes for the woman before her.

"I dont know really. I had no place to go to, atleast no place that I remembered. Besides even if I had remembered they would have killed me before I got to my destination." Kendra replied staring out at the bodies of people that huddled together for warmth.

"Perhaps one day you will remember and you could go home." Guinevere added in an effort to bring the woman hope.

"I do not know if there would be a home for me to go to." Kendra added quietly. "I have been around many parts of this land Guinevere, and no one has claimed to have known me. No one. Perhaps those that I loved moved on, or forgot me like I did them. Perhaps, my home will be gone from me forever."

Silence filled the small area between them as Guinevere stared at the silhoutte of the woman before her. "I feel a great sadness for you Kendra. Not remembering those you loved. Those that loved you. To go through life everyday with no sense of who or what you are." Guinevere spoke, the sympathy that shown in her eyes was now evident in her voice. "I feel great pity for you."

"I do not need your pity." Kendra said, harshly. She did not mean for it to sound so but she couldnt keep the frustration from entering her words. Pity could not help her.

"You know my father used to tell me that memories may fade easily with time, but emotions are harder to lose." Guinevere said. She watched as Kendra kept her eyes transfixed on the people outside.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Kendra asked softly. In the distance she saw several Knights moving about.

"Your mind may have forgotten where you belong, but your heart knows Kendra. All you have to do is listen and it will lead you home." The woman said.

Turning around Kendra brought her gaze to the woad. "If that were true why has it not yet spoken to me." she said plainly.

"Perhaps it already has." Guinevere said motioning to the Knights in the distance. "But perhaps you arent listening hard enough."

"You should rest." Kendra said quietly. "I shall see you in the morning."

Stepping out into the world again she let the drape fall behind her. In her mind the woads words echoed. In the distance she Lancelot walking. She watched his everymove while he surveyed the area of the camp. _"You heart knows. All you have to do is listen." _

"If you know something I dont, feel free to share." she said speaking to the air but nothing came. She watched the dark knight a moment longer before she left to find a place to sleep.


	15. learning to trust

The commotion woke her from her sleep. Looking around she saw Marius holding the small child Dagonet had helped to rescue from his dungeon. Lucan was his name.

"Kill him now!" Marius shouted holding a knife to the small boys throat tempting Dagonet to try something. Walking closer she saw the look of fear in the boys eyes and the look of helplessness in Dagonets.

"You are quite brave to take on a child." Kendra said drawing the Romans attention. He looked at her in anger.

"You would be wise to keep your mouth shut Saxon whore. Yes I have heard with whom you fought with." Marius shouted at her. "And do not worry when I am done with the child my men will deal with you as only they know how." An evil grinned struck his face as he spoke.

She was quite sure he was about to slit the boys throat when an arrow was let loose hitting him in the chest killing him. Everyone looked for the one who shot the fatal arrow when Guinevere came forth with another arrow at the ready. Immediatly Lucan ran to Dagonet only to be pushed aside for his safety. Behind the woad came Lancelot and Arthur both armed and ready for a fight. Dagonet grabbed his own weapon just waiting to use it.

"Your hands seem to be better." Lancelot said to Guinevere but she paid no attention to the Knight beside her. Instead she let loose another arrow as a warning to the rest of Marius' men.

Out of the woods emerged Bors on his horse, obviously he had heard the trouble judging by the pace at which he came. "Artorius! Do we have a problem?" he asked.

"You have a choice," Arthur said drawing everyone's attention. "You will help or you die."

_'You will fight or you will die.' _Cynrics similiar threat echoed in her mind.

"Put down your weapons. Do it now!" the lead of Maius' men shouted to his men. The fear evident in his voice.

Kendra watched as the men dropped their weapons as fast as they could only to have them picked up by a man Arthur called Jols. She turned back to the body of Marius and her eyes lifted to meet that of his son. She did not see Tristans arrival.

"Armor piercing. They're close, we have no time." The Knight said. His words caught her ear and drew her attention to Arthur and the others that huddled around.

"Ride ahead." Arthur told him. As soon as the words left his mouth the mounted Knight was gone.

With the crossbow in hand Arthur approached her.

"Armor piercing. Saxons are carring armor piercing weaponry and you did not tell me." Arthur demanded throwing the device at her feet.

She looked into the eyes of the Roman before her. Not sure of what to say she looked past him to the Knights behind. She locked eyes with all before returning her gaze to Arthur. With out speaking a word she turned to leave but was stopped short by the firm grip of the Romans hand on her wrist forcing her to twist back around. The force at which he held her cause her to sink to the ground on bended knee.

"Do not turn from me when I talk to you" he said sternly as he looked into her eyes. Her hand went to the one that bound her attempting to pry herself free of his grip. "My mens lives are at stake!"

"And why should I care!" Kendra shouted back her voice waivering for inspite of it all she felt fear. "What do you wanna do, hit me? I see it in your eyes. The same look Cynric would have before he struck." She reponded harshly. "Perhaps you and he are not so different after all."

"Arthur!" Lancelot spoke coming from behind. "Let her go."

"I will deal with you at the wall." he said releasing her. Turning around he told the others to prepare.

"I am not one of your men Arthur. You cant order me around." she called after him bitterly.

He heard her words but did not stop.

"Are you all right?" Lancelot said drawing her eyes to him. Reaching down he attempted to look ar her wrist only to have her pull away from his touch.

"I dont need your pity or your help." she said bluntly before walking away. Her hand massaged the wrist that Arthur had held. She watched as the others set to packing the supplies and preparing to leave. Part of her wanted to go and apologize to Arthur for the things she had said. She had also wanted to talk to Lancelot about the way she had acted when he had only tried to help but the other part of her, the part that was untrusting fought not to.

The large caravan began to make its way once more towards Hadrians Wall. Kendra remained close to the end of the line not wanting to face the others. Forcing herself forward she made her way to Lancelots side.

"I'm sorry." she said quietly not looking at him. Instead she kept her eyes focusing straight ahead.

"For what?" he asked sincerely. His voice was soft and welcoming to her ears.

"You only tried to help me and I was rude." she said turning her gaze to him. "I am not used to being shown kindness. I am sorry if I offended you."

"No need for apologies my' Lady." he answered. He smiled at her and all she could do was manage a small one in return.

"Thank you." she said softly. Her eyes still locked with his.

"For what?" he asked taking a quick look forward before returning his gaze to hers.

"For trying to help me." she said placing a hand on his shoulder. Her movement caught her offguard and she quickly removed her hand. "And for not killing me several days ago." she said in an effort to hide the embarrassment that she could feel showing on her face.

"Tis my pleasure my' lady." He responded with a mock bow in an effort to ease her. She lowered her head as she started to laugh at the sight. She placed a hand to her mouth in an effort to keep her laughter down but eventually she gave in. Looking back to the dark Knight she smiled.


	16. Authors Note

Just wanted to apologize for the OOC for Arthur. I will try harder in the future chapters to stay more true to the characters. I am once again sorry if anyone was offended with the OOC acts of Athur. I protrayed him like that because he was hoping that some part of her, what ever part may have remembered on a sub-concious level, would have wanted to help the knights but instead she didnt. I am sorry once again. But I would like to thank you all for your kind reviews.


	17. Glimpse on the ice

**I would just like to thank all who read and reviewed my story. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Sorry it took so long to update. I rewrote it several times so I hope you like what I came up with. More updates to come.**

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"Is there any other way?" Arthur asked staring out over the icy abyss. The moving ensemble came to an abrubt halt when the reached the ice covered lake. Murmurs were heard amongst the group as ideas were debated to get around it.

"No." Tristan said solemly. "We have to cross the ice."

Dismounting her horse she knealt down next to the lake. "We cannot cross this. It could break under all of our weight." Kendra spoke up. Her eyes surverying the ice.

"We dont have much choice. If we head back we face running into Saxons. We will have to risk it." Arthur said looking down at her. "Get them all out of the carriages. Tell them to spread out."

Once everyone was out they all began to slowly make their way across the ice. With every step the ice stirred beneath them. Soon the cracking of the ice became louder and everyone became worried. Arthur stopped the large group, trying to think their decision through. It was too late to turn back as the sound of Saxon drums echoed through the small valley. Right behind them. Kendra turned her gaze to the direction of the drums. A chill ran through her that no wind or snow could have done. Cynric was near.

"Knights." Arthur announced looking to his men. The sound of his voice filled the air, even over the sound of the beating drums. From his tone she knew what he planned to do.

"Well I'm tired of running." Bors said aloud. "And these Saxons are so close behind, my arse is hurting."

_'No they cant be seriously thinking this. They cant possibly win.' _Kendra thought as she saw other knights agree to the unsaid request.

"Never liked looking over my shoulder anyway." Tristan agreed.

''It'll be a pleasure to put an end to this racket." Gawain said looking to the others.

"We'll finally get a look at the bastards." Galahad exclaimed.

Everyone looked to Dagonet who was already arming himself for what was to come. "Here. Now."

It seemed to Kendra the only one who was not eager to meet the Saxons was Lancelot who didnt speak up.

"Jols" Arthur announced. Several people began to take the horses from Arthur and his knights as all of them prepared to fight. Kendra turned her gaze back to impending drums. The sound caused her heart to jump. For the last eight years she had been on the side of the Saxons and their drums, now she felt what the others may have called feared. She had often wondered what went through the minds of the villagers they had attacked. What they thought when they heard the drums approach. Now she knew. She feared them and those that beat upon them.

A man had already begun to move the large group off the ice. Arthur and his men, including Guinevere stood in a line ready to fight. Bows in hand. From the corner of her eye she saw the small boy Lucan wave to Dagonet and a deep sadness came over her. Thoughts of the families running and parents trying to save their children filled her mind.

"This is suicide Arthur." Kendra announced loudly. The sound of the drums came ever closer. "You are outnumbered." she said turning to face him.

"We have no choice. If we do not do something now the Saxons will reach us before we arrive at Hadrians Wall and all could die." He told her as he readied an arrow.

"But you and your men cannot win this battle!" she shouted as she walked towards them. "Saxons will always come." Her eyes searching all of theirs trying to reason. "Why do you risk the lives of you and your men in a battle you are sure to lose?"

"Because that is what it means to be a Knight. To fight no matter what the cost so that others may continue on. To live a better life." Arthur said softly looking into her eyes.

"This is suicide." she said frustration filling her voice. "This is suicide Arthur...I will not fight with you."

"I am not asking you to." Arthur said reasonably. "You are free to go where you wish whether that is Hadrian wall or not. The choice is yours."

His words struck her in a way that made her hold her tongue in silence. She could tell from the look of Arthur and his Knights they were not going to leave the ice that easily, even if they wanted to. Grabbing the reigns of her horse she started to follow the men and women off the ice. Glancing back she saw the the line that stayed behind to defend their retreat. The sound of the drums became louder as she reached the other side.

_'Crazy Roman and his knights.' _she thought to herself as the group rounded the side of the mountain blocking them from view. Looking back along the trail to the lake she heard the drums cease.

_'What are you scared?' a small voice shouted to her from behind._

"Excuse me?" Kendra said turning to confront the accuser. Her eyes widened at the site.

_'I said you're scared.' a young boy said from across the frozen pond. His hair was as dark as his eyes as the wind blew it every which way. Next to him stood several others._

_'I am not.' she cried looking across to them._

_'Really? Then why is we are here and you are still over there?" the boy laughed._

_'Just you wait till I get over there.' she shouted back angrily._

_'You mean if you get over here.' this time all the others joined in at the young boys laughing. All but one. The tallest of them all._

_'You can do this.' he said quietly looking directly into her eyes._

_'But it could break.' she managed to say._

_'See I told you she's scared.' the dark haired boy spoke up again._

_'Come. I will meet you half way and we shall cross together.' the taller boy shouted to her as he started to make his way across. 'See. It is safe. Now it is your turn.' he said upon reaching the middle._

_Breathing deeply she took a step out onto the icy water. Step by step she walked her way onto it. Each time she looked to the boy in the center to incourage her on._

_"See that wasn't so bad.' he told her when she reached him. Grabbing his arm with both of hers they started their way back to the other side._

_The sound of ice cracking filled her ears and the ice beneath them began to shift. Grabbing his arm tighter as her heart began to race. They heard it coming but it was too late. A long crack down the ice came their way showing the icy cold water beneath._

"DAG!" a booming voice shouted.

Looking down she saw her footing on solid earth and not on on cracking ice. Her heart still raced as she realised where she was. _'Go back.' _a voice in her head told her.

"Jols!" Kendra yelled bring the man to her. Handing him the reigns she took off around the bend.

The Knights did not hear her approach. Looking down the once solid line she saw a gap missing. Dagonet was gone. She watched as Arthur and the other frantically shot arrows into the Saxons on the other side. Running she made her way to the gap in the line. Looking out over the ice she saw Dagonet alone in the middle attempting to break it. Arrows flew this way and that until one of the Saxons finally met its mark.

"Dagonet!" Her heart jumped when it hit him. Before she knew it she had his shield in hand and was running across the ice to him. With an arrow in him Dagonet still kept on determined to break it and Kendra couldn't seem to make it to him fast enough. Three times he was hit before the ice started to break she saw him fall to his knees as the ice before them cracked seperating them from the advancing Saxons. The hole that he made soon took him from her sight as he collapsed into the cold water below. Sliding herself into position between him and the Saxons that still shot she tried to hold him afloat. Several arrows hit the shield, looking up she saw Arthur and Bors heading their way.

"Hang on Dagonet." she told him trying to keep him awake. Soon the ice beneath her gave way and she too met the freezing water below them.

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	18. Glimpse on the ice part 2

"Dagonet!"

Over the sound of arrows and screaming men the knights had heard her scream his name. Lancelot watched on as she ran over the ice towards Dagonet. He watched as the Saxons aimed for their new target as she ran. He let loose his arrows hitting every mark as fast as he could trying to buy Kendra enough time to reach Dagonet. In one last mighty hit Dagonet had broken the ice and caused a rift between the two parties. He saw Arthur and Bors run to their aid as Dagonet fell into the icy water. He saw her look up as she tried to hold Dagonet afloat before the ice gave way beneath her as well.

"NO!" Lancelot shouted as she vanished beneath the surface.

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Struggling for air against the chill of the water Kendra made her way to the surface. She saw Arthur pull Dagonet from the water, arrows still in his flesh. Bors came up from behind deflecting his arrows with his shield.

"Come on." Arthur shouted reaching for her hand.

"Take him I will be behind you." she said back. Her teeth chattering as she tried to pull herself from the water. As the two men pulled their fallen Knight away she felt herself being pulled once more into the cold water. Frantically she sought for a hold to grab onto but soon found herself slipping and taking one last breath of air she met the frigid water once more.

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He felt a wave of relief when he saw her emerge from the water. Arthur and Bors had already pulled Dagonet from the water and were returning. And as quickly as he saw her she was taken from his sight again. Seeing the hands of a Saxon grabbing her down into the depths of the cold water. Dropping his gear Lancelot ran across the ice passing Arthur and Bors along the way. Falling to the ground beside the gap he thrust his arm into the freezing water.

"No, not again!" he shouted defiantly to the wind that blew against him and the water below.

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Struggling against the arms that pulled her down she sunk lower and lower into the abyss below. Even in the coldness of the water the arms held her firmly. Above the light from the hole in the ice grew dimmer and distant as the water stung her eyes. Desperately she tried to reach the small dagger in her boot. Galahads knife. Her finger grazed its handle as she struggled to reach. Farthur and farther down they fell and with every moment her hand came closer to reaching the blade. Grasping the handle she struck the man in the thigh. In pain the man released her and fell from sight. As quickly as she could Kendra raced for the surface.

_Reaching her hand up she felt anothers and held on. The cold air was welcoming as she was finally able to breathe once more. _

_'Are you all right?" a voice asked holding her close. Shivering she opened her eyes and saw him before her. _

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Grabbing what he hoped to be her hand Lancelot pulled hard. Her skin was cold to the touch and her lips were a light blue as he pulled her out of the water and away from the still cracking ice.

"Come on" he whispered wiping the hair from her face. "Dont do this to me. Not again." Holding her close he carried her from the ice. Slowly she bagan to stir in his arms and a sigh of relief escaped him. Setting he down gently he still held her close. "Are you all right?" he said as she started to wake.

As her eyes adjusted she watched as the small boy with the dark hair disappeared and the Knight took his place.

"Lancelot." she whispered as her eyes looked him over. A smile crept to his face when he heard her speak. "Dagonet, wheres Dagonet?" she asked. Her teeth still chattering.

Turning around Lancelot found him on the ice with the others over head. Helping her to her feet they made their way to the fallen knight.

"Dagonet! Stay with me! Dagonet! Stay with me!" Bors cried out to his fallen friend. Holding his head he urged him to fight the pulling of death.

The others hang their heads as Dagonet closes his eyes and ceased to move. Knealing beside the fallen Knight she laid a hand on his chest. Her eyes surveyed his wounds. Ever so slowly she saw the arrows rise and lower. An unexplained joy struck her.

"Get him off the ice!" She said urgently. "Hurry!"

"He's dead." Bors said quietly to himself, the tears he fought now brimmed his eyes.

"But he's not dead!" She said excitedly. "But he will be if we dont act fast. We need to get him off the ice and warm him quickly."

"We all want him to be alive but..." Lancelot said.

"Then trust me on this. Please." Kendra asked looking to those around her. "Please."

Her eyes landed last on Arthurs. In his eyes she saw a small flicker of hope. "Do as she says, move him off the ice. Wrap him in spare blankets to warm him."

Immediatly the Knights set off carring Dagonet in their arms. Looking across the ice once more she saw Cynric and what remained of his band starting to retreat. Cynric locked eyes with her. Anger rose in his eyes as he looked upon her.

"Here." Lancelot said wrapping his cloak about her in an effort to warm her. He saw her eyes look past him. Turning Lancelot looked across the ice at the leader of the the Saxons that had attacked and saw the look of anger on his face. Looking to Kendra she saw the fear in her eyes as she stared on at her former commander. "Come on. We should go." he said wrapping an arm around her shoulder and leading her from the ice covered lake.

"It would appear you are all stuck with me now." she said softly looking up into his eyes.

"I think we can manage." he responded. A small grin lit up his face.


	19. Revelations

**For those who have waited for her to remember...here is a tiny taste. Hope you enjoy the chapter. And I thought the previous two were hard to write this one got me stuck. And for those who didnt want Dagonet to die, you are in luck, neither did I. That part always made me sad so tada HE LIVES! Anyways hopefully you like it. Thank you to those who read and review. It is greatly appreciated. Keep it up. : )**

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"Will he make it?" Arthur asked sitting across from her. Kendra had joined Dagonet in the caravan and with Guinevere and Fulicinia they tended to his injuries. Wiping away the blood she tossed the clothe aside and retrieved a dry one to bandage the wound.

"I dont know Arthur. He's a fighter I give him that, but he needs to rest and regain his strength." She said putting the bandage in place. Pulling the blankets tighter around him she ran a hand over his head. He had risked his life to save them all and now she felt helpless to save him.

"We are little more than a day from Hadrians Wall. Once we are there he will be well taken care of." Arthur said his eyes bearing down onto his injured Knight. "I have sent Tristan ahead. We will ride on as far as we can before we rest for the night."

"The sooner the better." She advised. "A night near a fire should help him." With a nod Arthur acknowledged her request.

"As soon as we reach a safe area we will camp." Arthur said rising to leave.

"Arthur." she whispered catching his attention before he left through the entrance of the carriage. Turning around he looked at her. Her eyes did not meet his at first but instead looked to the floor between them. "I am sorry I did not tell you about the weapons Cynric and the others carried. And now... now you may lose one of your men." Looking up she finally met his gaze. In his eyes he saw compassion and not the anger she thought she would see.

"You may have known of their weapons, but it was not your fault for what has happened to Dagonet. I have no doubt he would have done the same thing had he known or not. The only difference was that you were there to keep him afloat long enough for us to reach him. You came back and you helped my men and for that I am in your debt." Arthur stated looking at the woman before him meaning every word. "I am the one that owes you an apology. I should not have treated you the way I did. We shall dicuss it more at Hadrians Wall if you like. I will be back shortly to look in on him again." The flap covering the carriage bellowed momentarily in the wind as he left.

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The light outside slowly began to fade and after what seemed like hours the group had found a place to settle for the night. Ever carefully Arthur, Lancelot and Bors carried Dagonet from the carriage a laid him close to the fire. Kendra had gathered all spare blankets and wrapped him tightly in them. His condition had improved slightly over the day, his color had begun to return and his injuries had slowed their bleeding but he was still very weak and he had not woke at all throughout the day. Fulicinia had agreed to tend to the fallen man while the others rested. Kendra had not seen where Guinevere had gone to and nor did she care at the moment. Her thoughts trailed elsewhere. At last finding a moment to herself Kendra thought about what had happened. Her mind went back to the moments before the ice and to the vision she had seen. To the children across the ice.

_'Who are you?" _she thought to herself as she saw their faces once more. Pulling Lancelot's cloak around her tighter she made her way through the small encampment they had made.

Standing against a tree Lancelot looked out at the trees around them. He had not heard her approach until she stood next to him.

"I wanted to thank you." she said quietly staring out into the darkness of the woods. "You saved my life out there."

"Always glad to help My'Lady." he answered looking at her. The light from the moon that pased through the trees paled her skin and gave it a soft glow.

Feeling his stare she turned to face him. "Here, this is yours." she said nervously as she removed his cloak. Holding it out he took it from her. The chill of the air caused her to shiver slighty although it had been enough for the Knight to see.

"You will need this more than I do." he said drapping it over her body. For a moment he paused to look at her. Her eyes met his before looking away.

"What is this?" she asked bring her hand to his armor. Looking down he saw what drew her attention. "Its beautiful." she said as she fingered the small symbol the medalion bore.

"It belonged to someone very dear to me." he answered softly. He watched as she held the small crest in her hands.

"A woman?" she asked looking up to him. Reaching up he gently grabbed the necklace from her hands and placed back under his armor. "I am sorry. I shouldnt pry."

"Do not be sorry. Yes it was a woman. Our 'duties' to Rome seperated us long ago. She gave me this before she left." he answered looking into her eyes hoping it would jog any memory of him or the others.

"And what became of her. This woman that you love." Kendra asked placing herself against the tree beside him .

He looked to the ground before him. _'How do I answer you. Do I tell you the truth, would you run, would you believe me?' _Silence stood between them as he thought. "I dont know. She's out there, somewhere." he said flatly looking to the surroundings.

"I hope you find her Lancelot." Kendra said placing a hand on his arm causing him to bring his look to her. "I really do." Staring at the man beside her she couldnt help but feel sorry for him. In his deep aurburn eyes he could see the pain that they held at bay from those around. The wind stirred up causing both of their hairs to whip around. Clearing her eyes from the veil of her hair she looked back to him. As the wind ravaged his hair about a glimpse of the small dark haired child came to her mind and blended with that of the man before her. Staring at him silently she thought her mind was playing tricks on her. _'Same eyes, same hair. Could he be the boy from the ice.' _she questioned herself.

"Whats the matter?" Lancelot asked seeing the look upon her face change.

"May I ask you something?" she asked looking to the ground not wanting him to see the fear in her eyes.

"Very well." He answered confusion lay on his curled brow as his eyes watched her movement.

"Tell me, your home land, does it snow there?" she questioned directly. "Guinevere had told me that you spoke to her of it, of the hills and the sky, but she never mentioned snow."

"As a matter of fact it does. Quite often during the colder month." Lancelot said laughing at the way she reacted to such a simple question.

"And is their a lake, or a river, a body of water of some sort." she asked her voice far away.

"Well actually there is. it a small lake near were I lived. The others and I would go to it when it would snow and it would ice over. We would see who would be brave enough to cross it." Lancelot said remembering his childhood days with the others.

"Will you excuse me." Kendra said leaving the Knight standing alone. Hurridly she made her way back to the carriage. Once inside she fell to her knees.


	20. Unintended Truths

**Okay everyone, heres the new chapter. I thought about how I was going to approach this one for a while before I actually wrote it so I hope you like it. Keep up the R&R everyone.**

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Making her way to a corner of the carriage she hung her head in her hands and let the incident replay itself. "I have to be mistaken. They would have told me had they known me. Wouldn't they." She said softly to herself as she peered out through a small gap in the wagon to the outside world. "It has to be."

"Be what?" Guinevere asked entering the small carriage. Looking down on Kendra she saw a change in her demeanor. Her eyes looked heavy with worry and doubt.

"Nothing." Kendra responded suprised to see her.

"Well for being nothing it really bothers you. Is everything okay? If its Dagonet he will be all right." Guinevere said sitting down next to her.

"I said its nothing!" Kendra shouted rising. "Why are people always asking me that. If something was bothering me I would tell you!" she said storming out of the carriage into the cold of the night. She had not intended to snap at Guinevere the way she did, but she needed a moments piece to think.

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"Have any of you seen Kendra?" Guinevere asked several of the knights that had gathered around the fire. She was not quite sure how long it had been since she had last seen her, when she stormed from the carriage. She had left to find Kendra and to apologize for intruding but the woman was no where to be found.

"I thought I saw her go into the wagon." Galahad murmured, his eyes closed as he basked in the warmth of the fire before him.

"She did. I think I upset her. She took off." Guinevere spoke looking around the group for signs of the elusive woman. The men looked at one another with worry. Across her on the other side of the fire Dagonet stirred.

"What did you tell her before she went off?" Arthur asked looking from Dagonet to her.

"I asked her what was wrong. She looked like something disturbing had just happened to her and I thought I could help her. Instead she ran off." Guinevere answered looking the Roman straight in the eye.

Arthur rose and looked around the camp. The sleeping bodies of the serfs they had saved from Marius were huddled all around.

"Perhaps Lancelot has seen her. After all they have been hanging around with one another a lot over the past few days." Tristan commented.

"At that rate they will be back together again in no time." Bors said taking a drink. Guinevere watched as the others looked at him in suprise and she watched as Galahad struck him in the arm.

"What was that for." Bors cried out in retaliation to the attack.

"What do you mean 'together again'." Guinevere asked. Her voice filled with suprise at the mans words. Finally realizing what he had done Bors took another long drink to aviod answering her question. Looking around the fire she watched as all the knights and Arthur avoided her gaze. "You know her, dont you. All of you." Guinevere said accusingly. "And Lancelot, he...he's..."

"I'm what?" Lancelot said emerging from the shadows. Oblivious to what has just taken place, he sat down next to Bors and grabbed the cup from his hand.

"You loved her, and you still do dont you?" she asked recieving a suprised look from the dark eyed knight. "It all makes sense now. Why you all spared her life. And why you are always looking at her from the corner of your eye." she snapped. "You have been lying to her, all of you."

Lancelot looked to Guinevere in awe at what had just happened. She knew. "We didnt lie to her. We just didnt tell her." Lancelot spoke as he looked around for any who might hear them.

"You decieved her." Guinevere shouted in frustration.

"We didnt decieve her. We didnt want to hurt her. We were going to tell her when we reached Hadrians Wall." Lancelot interviened stepping forth as he spoke.

"Tell her what, that you all knew who she was the entire time. That even though you knew what she went through with the Saxon you didnt want hurt her. Dont you think she will be hurt when she discovers that all of you lied to her. Her dear friends and you, you the man who claims he loves her so." Guinevere said her voice filled with sadness for Kendra and a touch of anger towards the men before her.

"We didnt think she would believe us. We thought it best to wait until we reached the wall. At least there we could prevent her from doing anything she may regret." Athur interviened taking his place beside Lancelot.

"I appreciate your aiding me and the others but, in this instance, you Arthur, and your Knights are worse than the Saxons." Guinevere said staring hard into the mans eyes. The Knights jumped at the thought of being compaired to the ruthless Saxons.

"You should mind who your talking to." Bors uttered. "I will be dead before I am compared to a Saxon especially by a woad."

"Who is she, really." Guinevere asked ignoring the knights threat. None answered her at first and the silence around them was ditsturbed only by the sound of the fier crackling between them.

"Her name is Lillian." Lancelot spoke up quietly. Walking to a nearby tree he leaned upon it before looking into the womans eyes. "And yes, I loved her. I still do. She was a Sarmatian Knight like us. Years ago she was recalled back to her post after aiding us at ours for several years. We found a note that her commander had inadvertantly left behind that warned of Saxons in the area. We set out after them but...but when we got to their camp there was smoke and bodies everywhere. Her weapons, her horse, everything that was most dear to her was found. All but her. Saxons do not usually keep their prisoners alive so we thought the worst." Lancelot continued. She watched as all of the Knights seemed to fade from reality to the very day he spoke of. And she saw the sense of failure rise in them.

"You gave up on her." Guinevere interjected, although her voice was soft when she spoke it still stung the hearts of the knights.

"Yes, we did." Lancelot agreed sadly. "We thought her to be dead but if I could go back I would have hunted the Saxons down until I found her."

"But it did and dont you think after all she's been through she should have heard the truth from all of you when you found her and not days later." Guinevere notioned sadly. "It is not my place but if you do not tell her, I will."

"You cant." Lancelot announced rising once more to face Guinevere.

Looking over the knights shoulder she saw a figure move in the dark. "I dont think I have to. You already did." Guinevere announced directing all attention to the silhoutte that lay hidden behind the tree that Lancelot sat against. Emerging from the shadows she stared at them all before landing her gaze upon Lancelot.

"Kendra." Lancelot spoke in suprise.

"I thought it was Lillian." she choked out as a tear rolled down her cheek. "Guinevere is right you know, you are worse then the Saxons. They didnt hide my past from me. They didnt look at me everyday knowing who I really was. Some friends." She cried out softly, her blue eyes piercing his as she spoke. With one last look she ran.


	21. Into the Dark

**Just wanted to wish everyone a happy Fourth of July. Hope you all have fun. I will post another chapter soon. Hope you like this one. Let me know. Like always I would like to sent my appreciation to those who take the time to read this story and to review. Thanks again.**

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"Wait!" He shouted as he watched her run off into the darkness. Moving quickly he sought to stop her but was cut short when Arthur interviened. "Let me go Arthur. I have to get her back. Explain all of this." He shouted still staring in the direction that she had disappeared, trying to pry himself loose of the Romans grip on his shoulders.

"We will go together my friend." Arthur said removing his hand from Lancelots shoulders. "Tristan come with us, the rest of you remain here. Should she return one of you come and find us." Arthur said his voice commanding and urgent at the same time. Turning he saw Lancelot already moving, calling her name as he went. The two men chased after their comrade before dividing to cover more ground.

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Branches snagged her hair and her cloak as she ran. She heard him call after her but she didnt slow her pace. She needed to escape, to be alone as her mind raced with what she had heard. They had known her. They knew and they had kept quiet. Her heart hurt as she finally came to a stop and sunk to her knees. Wipping away the tears that had surfaced she forced herself to quit shedding more. Behind her she heard them calling and searching. Not wanting to face them now Kendra climbed to her feet and ascended the nearest tree hiding herself from those who might emerge below.

"Kendra!" Arthur called coming from the trees. "Kendra!" Behind him she heard the sound of several others fanning out.

Shifting in her perch she sought to hide herself further from view. Her movement on the tree limbs caused a cascade of leaves to fall around the Roman below drawing his attention.

"I know you are there." Arthur said attempting to pierce the denseness of the foliage around her with his gaze. "You do not have to answer, just listen."

"Why should I believe a word you or your men say. All of you lied to me from day one." Kendra cried out softly trying not to draw the attention of the others. How she wanted to descend from her high perch and confront him. Confront them all. She wanted to lash out, to hit him but instead she remained hidden in the treetop holding in her anger.

"Not of their own accord. I made them swear to wait until we reached Hadrians Wall. Lancelot and the others had wanted to tell you after they saw you. Do not punish my men for following my orders." Arthur said, his voice was as he spoke.

"You and your men no nothing of punishments." Kendra snapped. She had heard the sorrow in his voice and some small part wanted to believe him. Wanted to leave and go back to them, but her anger swept through her veins.

"You are wrong. For eight years my men punished themselves for what they believed had happened to you. They blamed themselves for not being there to save you, Lancelot most of all. Do not think that its stops there. Now that they know you are alive they now blame themselves for giving up so easily, for not fighting to find you and they will blame themselves for all you indured for the rest of their lives. Even if they dont say it. The fact is if you run now you will cause them nothing but more pain. And the woman I know would not do that to them." Arthur said trying to persuade her to come forth. As earnest as he was she still remained hidden from view. The sound of the others became louder as they neared their position.

"And how would I know that! I knew nothing until tonight and even then I dont know all!" Kendra shouted angrily at the Roman below. The sound of others speeding their way signaled that they had heard her call.

"You are Lillian. You are a Sarmatian knight like you father before you and like my men. You are brave and smart young woman. You fought alongside me and my men for several years to defend our outpost and I had never seen either you or Lancelot happier then when together.You have always thought of others before yourself, and for that you are a dear friend to many. If you doubt any of that just think back to your actions on the ice. You threw yourself in harms way to save Dagonet. What other reason could there have been other than in some way you knew you would have regreted had you not." Arthur tried to reason but only silence followed. The sound of the wind through the trees and aprroaching footsteps were all that he heard as he looked to the treetops. "Now it is your choice what ever it may be. You may come with us still or stay. We leave at daybreak. If you are not there we shall depart leaving you a horse and supplies."

She saw him turn to depart and she losened her grip on the tree that held her. "Before I leave let me tell you this. For years you have sought for your past, for a place to call home and a family who cares. I have seen it in your eyes. These men, these knights are your family in everyway that matters. They have fought with you and bled with you even though you dont remember it. They love you. Lancelot loves you. You are searching for your family Lillian, they are there beyond those trees. Think on that when you choose Lillian." With that Arthur left her alone.

Breathing deep she stared up through the treetops to the stars beyond. Closing her eyes she fought the urge to cry once more.

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"Arthur! We heard her cry out, where is she?" Lancelot spoke breathlessly as he stopped near his commander. His auburn colored ayes, intense with his feelings, searched the surrounding area to see her.

"I did not bring her with me." Arthur said quietly as he looked into the mans dark eyes.

"How could you not?" Lancelot asked as he jaw locked. "She is out there we have to bring her back to the safety of the camp." His voice intense.

"She will be fine. She just needs a moment to think. I do not believe she will venture far." Arthur commented as he began to head back to camp.

"Just like you believed the Saxons to have killed her, or that she wouldn't run when she was told." Lancelot said defiantly causing Arthur to turn and face him.

Arthurs green eyes were transfixed on the brown of his. "I understand how you must blame me Lancelot, but blaming me will not bring her back to you. You think you can bring her back to the camp she lies beyond those trees." Arthur said showing him where to go. "Tristan come, we are going back to camp."

Waiting Lancelot watched as the two men disappeared into the trees. Turning around he followed the direction Arthur had pointed out and made his way through the trees. Unsure of what he would say but knowing he had to speak to her. His heart raced as he made his way through the overhanging branches looking past them he saw her descend fromone not far ahead.

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	22. from the heart

**Authors Note: Hello everyone. Hope you enjoyed the Fourth of July. Sorry I have not updated sooner. Went on a camping trip and just got back yesterday. Although this chapter has been on my mind since I left. Hope you like it. Please R&R.**

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The wind blew as she descended the tree that had been her shelter. She had finally managed to stop her tears and gather some hold over the emotions that tore at her heart, though for how long she did not know.

_'A Sarmatian Knight like your father...They love you...Lancelot loves you' _Arthurs words seemed to linger in the wind. She could not deny it now. She was one of them, she had heard it in secret and from Arthurs own mouth. Looking to the sky she still saw the stars that lit its dark canvas.

"What do I do?" she spoke softly into the wind which carried her words to the heavens above. "What should I do?" she pleaded waiting for an answer. Amidst the sound of the rustling leaves she heard his approach. Startled she turned and saw a man emerge from the darkness of the forest around her. In his eyes she saw the hurt and the longing that she had noticed from the moment they had met only now a greater sadness deepened them.

"Please dont run." he said pleading to her. Her eyes red from the tears she had cried, tears that he had helped to cause, and it tore at his him. "I just want to talk to you."

"So now the knight wants to talk but,if you dont mind, I believe I have heard enough for one night." She said bitterly turning to leave the man standing alone once more.

"Wait Lillian please." Lancelot said racing to reach her before she disappeared into the woods once more. Reaching out he grabbed her arm in an attempt to stop her.

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She had heard the pain in his voice as hespoke to herand on some level she wished to comfort him, but she felt the emotions that she had fought so subdue start to stir once more. She had to leave. Turning she sought the comfort of solitude that the trees possessed but was stopped short by the firm grip of the mans hand. Rage, anger, loss, longing, fear and more surged through her veins. On instinct she met her obstacle with all of them.

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Lancelot had only hoped to talk to her once more before she would possibly walk out of his life forever when he reached for her. Turning she struck him hard. His hand released her from his grip as he looked on at her in awe. She had hit him. Blood started to trickle from the busted lip he recieved.

She watched as the blood came from his split lip. Reaching his hand up he wiped it away. The fire in her blood came on stronger. She wanted to hurt him. Anything to cause him pain. Balling up her fists she tried to strike him again but was only met inturn by his hands grabbing her wrists.

"I guess I deserve that one, but dont do it again." Lancelot spoke spitting out the blood in his mouth. Holding her tightly in his grip he saw the pain in her eyes.

"Let go of me!" she shouted to him angrily. Her arms trembling as he held his grip. "Dont think just because I have been told a brief tale of 'our' past that I will be so forgiving. Dont expect me to fall into your arms and act as though the last eight years didnt happen."

Her words stung him and he released her from his grip. "I dont." Lancelot responded sadly as he looked upon her. He saw the fury in her eyes, the fury and the sadness. "I cant change what happened to you while you were with the Saxons."

"No you cant." She interjected turning away from the man before her. "No one can."

"I am sorry for everything. For letting you go all those years ago, for not being there when you needed me the most and, most of all, for not searching for you." Lancelot spoke as the guilt covered his words. "I didnt mean to hurt you."

For a brief moment silence stood between the two as Lillian let his words sink in. "If you would have known that I lived, would you have come, even thought I dont remember you, would you have come for me?" She asked as the tears began to come to her eyes once more, quickly she wiped the remnants of them away.

"Anywhere." he answered assuredly. "All of us." He held back his urge to step forward and embrace her. To hold her as he did when she left eight years ago, instead he just watched her as she moved. "I remember the little girl who would follow us around where ever we would go. No matter what we did she still managed to keep up with us. I remember I would have given anything to get rid of her. To have a moment without her. Then, one day, it happened. She was gone. I would look over my shoulder and she would not be there. Once she was taken from me, from all of us, I would have given anything to get her back." he spoke to her.

"You tell me things that I dont remember. I dont remember following any of you. I dont remember me." she said sadly as she slowly sunk to her knees and buried her head into her hands.

He watched her fall to the ground and walked over to her. Knealing beside her he struggled find the words to comfort her. The wind blew around them causing the cloak of his she wore to bellow around her. Hesitating he placed his hand on her head "Lillian, I cannot give you back the eight years that was lost, but I can help you, all of us can. Come with us, let us help you to remember who you are. What have you got ot lose?" he pleaded with her.

Slowly she brought her tear stained eyes to meet his sad brown eyes. She couldn't stop the tears anymore. After eight years of being in Saxon hands, of the punishments and injuries, she had been able to keep from crying out, from shedding a single tear in pain. But now she couldn't stop. Falling forward she fell against his chest and cried freely. Reaching his arms around her he held her closely to him like he had the last time he held her. With one hand he brushed her hair as he tried to comfort her. The wind stirred the the leaves around them and caused more to shower down upon the pair.


	23. the past the future?

**Hello everyone. Thanks for all the reviews. Hope you like this chapter. I went through it just a little bit faster then normal but I have another finals week around the corner so my mind is somewhat split. Hope you like it. I will update ASAP (as finals will allow.) **

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Above the sound of the wind around them he heard her try to muffle her cries. Holding her close he tried to comfort her.. The tears soon stopped as he held her. WIth every breath he took she rose and fell with the movement of his chest

Eventually she subdued her tears and was silent. In his arms she felt safe from any danger and gathering herself she rose back from his embrace. Relunctantly he released her. Reaching a hand to her face he brushed her hair behind her ears.

"Some warrior I am huh? Look at me crying like a little child." she said as she wiped the wetness on her cheeks away.

"Actually, you look very much like you always do. Beautiful and strong. Very strong." He said a little sarcastically as he rubbed his jaw. A sly grin reached his face as he looked at her.

A small laughed escaped her as a hand raised to hide her smile. "I am sorry." she managed to say after a moments pause. "I take it that I never struck you before."

"Only when we practiced and never that hard." Lancelot said still staring at her. He wanted to pull her to him once more for the fear that this was all a dream and he would wake and she would be gone again filled his mind. Looking at her the guilt he felt for the last eight years came bearing down on him hard. Not just the guilt of leaving her in Saxon hands but the guilt of the women that he bed in a vain attempt to forget her and the pain he felt. His eyes lowered from her stare as an uneasy silence crept between them.

"Are you okay?" She asked seeing him avoid her eyes. Reaching an arm out she sought to bring him back to the moment. She laid her hand gently on his arm causing him to take her hand into his. "Lancelot, whats wrong?" she whispered. Summoning the courage he looked into her eyes. She saw the pain in his eyes as he tried to hold hers. Standing he turned away.

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How he could he tell her without hurting her further. Her eyes searched his in an effort to find what troubled him. Releasing her hand he rose and turned away from her. The words he needed to say seemed to be caught in his throat and would not escape. _'How can I tell her what I had done over the years.' _The task seemed so simple in his mind, just open your mouth and tell her but, the words to speak it were harder.

"Lillian, there is something...I..." The words caught in his throat as he tried desperately to speak them. Running his fingers through his hair he looked to the sky above.

"What?" she asked him again. She did not know why but fear suddenly plagued her heart. What ever part remembered him.

_'There's no holding back now.' _he thought to himself. Taking a deep breath he continued. "I drank to forget, everything. This war, the woads...**the Saxons**," he said angrily as he spoke their name. "even you." His voice softened has he looked at her. "The women meant nothing. I swear." his voice was full of guilt and remorse as he uttered his sin against her.

"Women? What women?" she asked knowing full well what he had just confessed to her. She saw the pain in his eyes as he stood before her.

"I was angry at myself, the Saxons, everyone. I got so mad at the world itself that I drank and... when I drank, I sought comfort in the arms of others. Every morning I would see you in my dreams and I would wake with arms around me and for a brief moment I would believe them to be yours just so I can gain some happiness but in the end they never were. I would make my way to the empty grave we marked for you and I would beg for forgiveness from you. I am sorry Lillian, more then you could possibly know." Lancelot pleaded. He searched her eyes for some sign of how she felt, but her sky blue of her eyes did not change their gaze. Hanging his head he waited for her to strike out against him once more but nothing came. Silence stood between the two as she adjusted to what he had just told her.

"I supposed we have both suffered in our own ways. My by the hands of Saxons and you...you punished yourself by memories of the heart." Lillian spoke finally breaking the silence. "I am sorry for how you have suffered, but we cannot change what has happened in the past, you said so yourself."

The Knight looked at her sadly as she spoke. What chance did he have of getting her back now. He cannot change the past and his heart hurt as he thought of losing her again because of his actions. Walking over to the sullen knight before her she brought her hand to his face and drew his face to meet hers.

"But... we can look to the future." she said quietly. She saw the look of hurt on his face change to that of shock and suprise.

"You mean you will be coming with us?" Lancelot asked. His heart jumped at the thought. Looking in her eyes he swore he saw a spark of light that used to fill them years ago.

"What have I got to lose." she said mockingly. Leaning forward she brought her face close to his. Hesitating she looked into the deep brown of his eyes. A deep sense of longing stung her heart as she found herself so close to him.

"What are you doing?" he whispered breathlessly. Her cool blue eyes locked on to his.

"I dont know." she answered quietly as she leaned forward.

"Lancelot! You get lost out there!" shouts came jokingly. From the sound of the voice it was that of Bors. Looking behind her she saw the path leading back to the camp. The one that Lancelot had come through.

"They call for you." she said silently as she slowly backed away from the man before her. "We should go back before they decide to send a search party." she smiled nervously.

Running his fingers through his hair Lancelot looked off through the trees. He cursed lighty under his breath. She was going to kiss him, he swore it but then Bors shouted. He would have to 'talk' to him later.

"Coming?" she asked reaching an arm back for him. Stepping forth the man took her hand but instead of following he pulled her close.

"In a moment." he whispered quietly as he looked into her eyes. Reaching a hand up he brushed some of her lose strands of dark hair back behind her ear once more. "Eight years has been long enough."

"For what?" she whispered back as he touched her face.

"This." he whispered drawing her face to his as he kissed her.


	24. Painful Vision

**Hello again everyone. I found a moment to write so here's a new chapter. Hope you like it. They kissed cool! Now you see what happens afterwards. It gonna take a lot more then a kiss from Lancelot to bring her back. :) Let me know what you think. Please R&R. I will try and post again soon. **

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"What the hell could be taking him so long. It never takes him that long with the ladies at home." Bors said taking another drink.

"Yes well these arent the ladies back at the wall." Tristan spoke up calmly. "Let them have a moment alone." Grabbing an apple he started to eat.

"Of course shes not. Like I said before shes one of us." Bors said rising. Walking to the edge of the trees he peered through the denseness of them. "Lancelot! You get lost out there!" Bors shouted laughing. His diturbance caused the others to laugh with him. All but Arthur and Guinevere.

"Bors. Let them be." Arthur said sternly. If anyone could bring Lillian back it would be Lancelot. Arthur had hoped the woman would listen to his words and hold them greatly at heart while she decided what to do next. He hoped Lancelot could sway her to come with them, not for the sake of Lancelot or the others, but for herself.

"It must have been quite a shock seeing some one so dear to you fighting for the enemy." Guinevere said quietly looking out to the trees. "For both sides." Her voice caught Arthurs ear and brought him back from his thoughts.

"I am sure it was." Arthur said quietly agreeing. In his mind Arthur wondered who it would was more difficult for, Lancelot having to be careful on how he acted around the one that he loved or for Lillian, the one who didnt remember. What could be worse, not remembering the ones you loved or being the ones that they loved.

"Hey Arthur... Do you believe she will remember us. All of us." Galahad asked earnestly to his commander.

"Possibly. With our help. But we can not force her, if anything that may to more bad then good." Arthur said calmly. He watched as Marius' widow checked Dagonets wounds. "How is he M'Lady?" Arthur asked knealing beside her.

"He is better. He should rest for a few days so the injuries can heal. After a few days he should be able to do his normal day to day tasks." She said humbly as she changed his dressing. Dagonet winced briefly as she cleaned the wounds. "He is lucky she was there to aid him. Lillian, kendra, what ever you see fit to call her. Had she not discovered that he still lived you may have inadvertantly killed him." Looking to the commander beside her she saw the guilt of Dagonets injury in his eyes admist many other emotions that he tried to keep hidden. " He will be fine. We should move him back to the carriage." Dismissing herself she left to ready Dagonets bedding.

"Gawain, Galahad help me to get him up." Arthur said summoning the others to aid him. Ever carefully each lifted Dagonet from the ground and carried him into the nearby carriage.

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Letting her mind go she fell into the moment and let him embrace her tightly and bring his lips to hers. Her heart raced so loudly she feared that all could hear. His hands trailed up her back pulling her even closer. His heart raced in his chest as they held their embrace. How he hoped this was no dream and if it was what a cruel dream it would be once he woke.

_'You are only making this harder on yourself.' he whispered harshly into her ear as one hand held her arms above her head and the other trailed up and down her body tearing at her clothes as they went. Twisting and turning in every possible way she sought to free herself from his hold. FInally she managed to free one of her arms and in a desperate attempt to stop his attack she clawed at his face drawing blood. In an blind rage he struck her hard across the face._

_'Stupid wench!' he growled. Striking her again she coughed up blood. 'You belong to me. I saved you, I train you, you are mine.' Adjusting his hold on her she couldnt escape._

_'Please dont.' she cried softly. Cynric smiled cruely and forced himself upon her. 'Please.' she cried. His lips met hers hard and unyielding as her forced a kiss on her. 'No.' she screamed in her head as he continued._

"No!" she shouted pushing him back. Her eyes flashed around her as the horrid vision still held strong in her mind. She still felt Cynrics arms holding her and his body on hers. Rushing her hands to her head she tried to rid herself of the images the filled it.

"Lillian whats wrong?" Lancelot asked rather suprised at her actions. What did he do wrong to cause her to pull from him as she did. Reaching an arm out he tried to calm her but she pulled away as he touched her.

Slowly the vision began to fade and Lillian realised where she actually was. "I'm sorry." she said gathering the cloak she wore around her. "I cant do this. I cant...I'm sorry." Turning she walked away from the confused Knight. She heard him call after her but she did not stop. She still heard Cynrics voice in her ears and his steely eyes that bore through her. With every step her pace quickened until she found herself back at the makeshift camp that the group had settled. All of them looked at her in suprise as she stepped from the trees. Her eyes went from on to another until she had met the look of all.

"Glad to see you have returned." Arthur said stepping forth. "Where is Lancelot?" He asked looking behind her. He heard the Knight shouting for her in the distance and he brought his eyes back to hers.

Ignoring the man before her she quickly made her way to the carriage and let the drape fall behind her shielding her from the outside world. She made her way to the far corner of the the carriage and sat. Pulling the cloak all around her body she sought security and safety in its folds. Closing her eyes she inhaled deeply trying to rid herself of the feelings of fear that surged thorugh her. _'You belong to me.' _Cynrics words echoed in her ears as though he were there. "Shall I ever be free of you?" she asked to the empty darkness of the carriage.

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	25. so close yet so far

For a moment Lancelot forgot about the others, the Saxons, woads and of his impending freedom. All that was there was her and him and the moment of time that he stole the kiss from her. His heart punded in his chest as he pulled her closer to him, deepening their kiss. For a brief moment things faded away and the sadness of the world didnt matter.

Without warning he felt her push him hard against the chest, breaking their intimate embrace. Opening his eyes he saw the fear in hers, the panic.

"Lillian whats wrong?" he asked her. He reached an arm out trying to get her to calm down and to return to the momentary peace that they had found with each other. _'Why is she acting like this?' _the question filled his mind as he struggled to understand what had happened.

He watched on as she gathered the cloak he had given her. "I'm sorry. I cant do this...I cant...I'm sorry." she spoke softly as she started to back away from him. Turning she walked away, as he followed her pace quickened.

"Lillian wait! Whats the matter?" he called after her as he quickened his own pace to match hers. But in the denseness of the trees her smaller frame helped her to move swiftly. Losing sight of her Lancelot hoped she had made her way to the camp. Racing as quickly as he could Lancelot headed back to the campsite, the flames from the small fire guiding his path.

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"Is she here?" Lancelot asked as he emerged from the shadows. Everyones eyes were transfixed on the wagon until he spoke up.

"Yeah shes here." Bors answered, pointing to the wagon. "Went straight to the carriage. Think your losing your touch Lancelot. The ladies used to run to you, now their running from ya." He chuckled to himself.

"What happened out there?" Arthur asked looking to Bors in an effort to quiet the loud Knight.

"Nothing. We talked. I thought I got through to her. She even agreed to come back." Lancelot said looking to the carriage. "Everything was going well until..." His voice dropped off in an effort to keep what had happened a secret but, it was to late, all eyes were on him now and all were waiting to hear what had taken place.

"Until what?" Guinevere asked drawing the Knights attention. Her voice clearly laced with curiousity as she stepped closer, causing the firelight to wash her face with an orange.

Nervousness krept upon the dark haired knight as he played what had happened through his mind. Both of his hands ran through his hair as he neared the fire. "I... kissed her." he said. A small hint of a smile grew upon his face as he remembered the touch of her lips on his. The smile soon dimmed as he saw the look on Arthurs face.

"You kissed her!" Guinevere said. Her voice raised with the shock of the new situation. _'That could explain why she went to the cover of the carriage in such a hurry. Something must have happened.' _she thought to herself.

"Yes I kissed her." Lancelot said aloud catching the woad off guard.

"We were supposed to take it slowly with her Lancelot. You rush to quickly she could run you know that." Arthur said a hint of frustration at his first knights actions hit his voice. "You could lose her again is that what you want."

"No! You know that." Lancelot's voice rose at the accusation. Turning to face his commanding officer his eyes locked to his.

"Then what were you thinking?" Arthur asked in the tone more like a commander then a friend.

"I wasnt!" Lancelot responded. "I was..."

"Speak a little louder I dont think she can hear you quite yet." Bors said attempting to calm the tension between the duo. Breathing deep Lancelot sought to gain control of his emotions and took a seat next to Bors. His eyes flew to the carriage which housed Lillian not so far away. Looking down to to his hands he clenched them together. Just moment before they held her close like he used to now they hold the empty air.

"You dont know what its like Arthur... to look at her... to 'see' her and to fear touching her or holding her the way I used to for fear of losing her again. To look at her and see that she doesnt 'see' me, atleast not the way she used to." Lancelot said sadly looking into the flames before him. "I spent eight years believing that I would never get another chance to be with her in this world and now she's here, and for one brief moment out there in those woods I felt like I used to when she was with us at Hadrians Wall." Lancelot added the fire casting an orange red hue on his face which, all though it tried, could not hide the look of longing in his eyes. "I didnt feel so alone."

"Do not believe you are the only one who mourned for her or that you are not the only one that wishes to have her back the way she was, we all do my friend." Arthur said. His voice now that of a sympathetic and understanding friend and not that of a Roman commander commanding his knights obedience. "You are right, I do not understand what it is like to be in your postition, and I hope the time never comes but, if I could do something to bring her back to us I would. She is family to us all Lancelot, do not believe you are alone in this struggle. But dont forget, you remember what the two of you had, all of us do, but she doesnt. This is all new to her. Take it easy with her or you may frighten her away my friend." Arthur said quietly as he reached out to the knights shoulder. "You have waited eight years just to see her and now she is here, wait a little longer and she will 'be' here."

Looking into Arthurs eyes Lancelot saw the hope the man before him bore and on some level that comforted him but it still could not dull the pain in his heart for Lillian. Arthur was right, he waited eight years he could wait a little longer, for her sake.

The knights did not see Guinevere take her leave and they did not see her enter the carriage that Lillian had taken shelter in. Letting the curtains fall behind her Guinevere stopped the light from the fire from entering and in the far corner of the carriage she saw her small frame huddled in the dark.


	26. terrors of her past

**Hello again everyone. Thanks goes out to all who have read and/or reviewed. Keep it up and I will keep writing. Finals are nearly over so I will be able to add chapters more frequently so until then I hope you enjoy this one. **

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"Are you okay?" although she whispered she swore she saw the woman jump in suprise at her voice. "I didnt mean to frighten you." she said assuringly.

"You didnt. Besides with the night I've had it will take more than that to frighten me." she answered trying to hide the lie. She had not anticapted Guinevere's arrival and she saw that the woman obviously saw through her weak facade.

"Really." Guinevere asked as she made her way to her, sitting down she leaned her head back on one of the posts. "Strange night this has been." Guinevere added casually hoping to persuade the woman beside her to talk. "I bet that with all of the explaining that has been going on, no one has bothered to listen." Pivoting her head right she looked through the darkness into her eyes. "You know, I can be a very good listener if someone should find the need to talk."

Lillian had to admit, Guinevere was trying hard to get her to open up and talk and the thought of someone, someone not directly envolved, who would be willing to listen was comforting. Biting her lip she looked from the womans stare to the wall of the carriage. Through a small slit in the clothe that made up its wall a small gleam of light from the dying fire marked her face. After a moments pause she spoke.

"My life, if you could have called it a life," Lillian started, her voice low and sad as was her eyes. "was so much simpler before now. It may not have been happy, but it was simple. I knew what was expected of me, I knew what to do, how to act. But now...now I dont know anymore." Tears started to well into her eyes but were quickly wiped away. "I look at the men out there, and I see the recognition in their eyes. Part of me wants to just leave with them and act as though my life with the Saxons was just a nightmare. But thats not the way it works does it, no matter how hard I try, my life with the Saxons will always be with me."

Guinevere eyed her. For a moment she forgot that the woman beside her once fought with the cruelty known in Saxon warriors. "You shouldnt let your life with the Saxons scare you from your future."

"It always will, Cynric is in my mind where ever I go." Lillian said her eyes closing in an effort to stop any further tears from coming.

"Is that what happened with Lancelot?" Guinevere asked. Her question caused Lillians eyes to shoot open as she remembered what had occured between them. Turning she looked her in the the dark brown eyes of the woman next to her. "What happened?" Guinevere asked urging the woman to tell her and to be free from the terrors that haunted her.

Biting her lip Lillian questioned whether she should explain what had happened or keep silent. Silence filled the space between them until Lillian decided to take the young woman up on her offer to listen.

"I didnt see the vision at first. I met with both Arthur and Lancelot, one right after the other. I was just beginning to 'listen to my heart' as you had once put it when we heard the others shout. I thought it best we should return. We ended up kissing." Lillian allowed a small smile to light her face only briefly before it dimmed once again. "When he held me close...I saw him...I saw Cynric." she could no longer hold the tears that welled inside her. Holding her knees close to her body, her head hung low.

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"Come on everyone, we should celebrate. Lillians back and Dagonets alive and tomorrow we are free." Bors said in an effort to lighten the somber mood.

"Not now Bors." Gawain said in answer to his friends proposal.

"What do you mean not now. It's as good a time as any." Bors shot back.

None responded to the bigger knights comments.

The fire began to slowly die as the knights huddled around it. Several had went off to check on the rest of the group leaving Gawain, Bors and Tristan behind.

"If you ask me this whole situation is as strange as it can get." Gawain said. Taking a nearby branch he stirred the dying fire.

"Really? Its taken you this long to figure that out?" Tristan asked sarcastically as he petted the head of his hawk.

"I just meant that this is going to be strange, going back to the wall with an entire group and Lillian in tow." Galahad answered returning to his seat on a nearby log. He watched as Tristan whispered something indistinct to his feathered friend before he flew off.

"Atleast she is alive. That is more than we can say about others." Bors interjected. He had stopped his drinking not to long ago and had begun to settle in for sleep. His words caused the others to remember those that had fallen, those that did not make it to see their freedom.

"Not much of a life among Saxons though." Tristan added, the bried silence of the others showed they had agreed. After all Saxons are not known for kindness to those that are not of their blood.

"I can only imagine what they did to her in eight years time." Gawain acknowledged as he contemplated what the other had said. "To get her to act as she does now."

"Well I dont know about you but I would rather not know. Make me feel even worse then I already do about leaving her with 'em to begin with." Bors replied although he could not help that his mind wonder over the new scars the woman now bore and where they may have come from. How many were dealt to her by Saxon hands.

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"Oh I wish I could forget it all." Lillian said quietly after she finished her tale. She had told Guinevere of Cynric and Lancelot, of the kiss and the images of the rape and the thought of it all tugged at her emotions.

"But you cant, no matter how hard you try, your life with the knights and your life with the Saxons have shaped you to who you are now. If you sacrifice one you sacrifice part of yourself." Guinevere reffuted, her voice no longer that of a whisper.

"Thats easy for you to say." Lillian snapped. The pain of all the nights she laid with Cynric embedded in her mind. Of his cold, uncaring eyes and cruel laughter. All still fresh in her mind as though it had just happened. Laying down she pulled Lancelot's cloak tighter about her. More for the small sense of security she found from it then its protection from the cool air. Turning away from Guinevere she sought what small amount of solitude she could find and, closing her eyes, she tried to escape from the world around her. Inhaling deeply she caught his scent which still laced the cloak she now bore. Her mind flashed back to the kiss they shared. Whatever joy she felt faded as the sound of Cynrics voice rung clear in her ears. _'You are mine.'_

"Tomorrow can bring many things Lillian, do not worry over what has happened today." Guinevere said trying to comfort the broken woman beside her. The sound of rustling drew her attention and, looking up, she peered through the dimness of the wagon to the dark silhoutte of Dagonet. She saw him turn then all went silent.

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Turning over onto his uninjured shoulder he opened his eyes. Her words echoed through his head and pained his heart.

_'I am sorry Lillian.' _Dagonet thought to himself closing his eyes. _'I'm sorry.'_


	27. Two Knights One day

**Here you guys go. Another chapter. For those of you that didnt wuite understand why Dagonet apologized, dont worry, I explain it here. I also, for a brief moment introduce Lancelot. What will he do. You will have to read. Thanks again for the reviews and I hope you like the chapter. Hope its okay, I wrote it at around 3 am cause I couldnt sleep. Anyways, please R&R. :)**

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She had not slept much that night. Visions plagued her mind relentlessly. GIving up her bodies urging to sleep she woke before most of the others. Outside she heard only the sound of the wind whistling around her enclosure and the crickets humming their tunes. Rolling over she saw Guinevere still laying beside her. Trying not to disturb the sleeping woman next to her she quietly rose and, grabbing some fresh clothes, she made her way to Dagonets side. As carefully as she could she changed the bandages he wore.

"I'm sorry." A quiet, rough voice spoke breaking the silence inside the carriage.

"Excuse me?" Lillian asked. Dagonet's eyes opened to reveal the warm grey orbs underneath, looking up into hers.

"I am sorry for what had been done to you." Dagonet answered. She stared at him dumbfounded, unsure of why the injured man laying before her was apologizing for. He obviously saw the expression on her face so he continued. "I didnt mean to, but I overheard you and Lady Guinevere talking earlier."

Her hands began to tremble and her eyes widened with fear. _'He overheard! Will he tell the others? What will happen then? Please, oh please dont ask me anything.' _she thought to herself as she tried hurridly to gather the dirty bandages she had changed so she could leave.

"You must understand, we would never, never hurt you like that." Dagonet spoke his voice shaking as he tried to sit up.

"I know." Lillian whispered. "You should rest Dagonet, you need to gather your strength." Dropping her gaze she rose from her position beside the weakened man. Making her way to the entrance he caught her attention once more.

"They cannot hurt you now. Cynric and the others." Dagonet said watching her go. She froze in her steps as he spoke, at the mention of the Saxons and Cynric. "Not with us around." He added.

Hearing the underlying emotion in his voice she glanced over her shoulder to the Sarmatian behind her. She let his words sink in before nodding in acknowledgement.

"You should rest now. Arthur said we should reach Hadrians Wall today. You will need your strength for the journey." Lillian whispered softly. "Sleep well Dagonet." She added before turning to leave. Opening the entrance to the carriage she stepped out into the chilly early morning.

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The sky, all though it started to pale with the aproaching dawn, was still lined with stars that seemed to stretch on forever. Placing the used bandages aside she inhaled the cold air deeply. The chill in the air stirred through her lungs. Looking around she saw a few others awake and moving around. Stretching her arms high above her head she tried to rid herself of the drowsy feeling that roamed all over her body. She made her way to the center of the encampment, where the knights had huddled hours ago near the roaring fire. The fire was out now, on cool embers remained. She saw the figures of Bors and Tristan lying nearby still sleeping. The others had scattered, where to she couldnt see.

"You are up early." a voice rung over the silence in the air. Turning around she saw Lancelot coming towards her.

"Couldnt sleep." Lillian answered she felt her cheeks blush. Trying to distract him she brushed her loose hair behind her ears. "And why are you up so early Sir Knight?" she asked with a smile.

"Its my turn to keep watch. Even this close to the wall, their are enemies." Lancelot answered returning her grin. _'A smile. How I missed seeing it. Seeing it welcome me when I woke, when I would walk by.' _he thought to himself.

"Then I suppose you are making your rounds. I wouldnt want to hold you up." Lillian spoke her eyes meeting his.

"You could join me if you like. I could use the company." Lancelot responded hoping that she would join him.

"I would like that." Lillian accepted. She saw the light in the mans eyes when she answered and falling in line beside him the walked off.

The campground was fairly big and most of the people housed within it still slept. To make time go by the two talked randomly. No one certain subject stayed with them. Before long Lancelot had her laughing with tales of his childhood and his first years with Arthur and once more, in his presence she forgot for a brief moment the troubles in her life. Of the Saxons of Cynric. Unfortunetaly like all good things it came to an end as her laughter died off and Lancelot became quiet. His face now stern with deep thought.

"Lillian, may I ask you something?" he asked, his eyes not looking to her, but instead the faced straight forward giving her no inclination as to what was about to be asked.

"Sure." Lillian answered nervously.

Lancelot froze in place allowing a moment of silence as he contemplated his question. "What happened last night?" Lancelot asked finally bring his dark auburn eyes to hers.

She stared at the man before her, the man who, up until last night had been only a stranger she had just met, and she couldnt answer. She couldnt bring herself to tell him her vision. Her eyes fell from his to the grounds around them and the people that lined it.

"Was it something I did? Said?" Lancelot asked. He wanted her to tell him, he wanted to know what was wrong but there was also a place in his heart dreaded the answer.

"No. No its not you. Its nothing you did or said." she answered hoping that he would not try to delve deeper.

"Then what? Please tell me." Lancelot urged on relentlessly, the tension over the last few days fighting to emerge and with every ounce of his Sarmatian being he tried to subdue it.

"Its nothing really." Lillian pleaded. "Can we talk of something else." Her mind raced with images of Lancelot and Cynric, of the Knights and the Saxons. A hand went to her head in an attempt to sooth the headache that was forming.

"We will but I want to know what frightened you last night. I saw the look in your eyes you were terrified." Lancelot said. "I could help you if you tell me."

"No. You cant." Lillian shouted at him. Her voice cause others to stir awake and look in their direction. "Not right now." she added, quieting her tone.

Turning around she breathed deeply trying to calm herself. "Please...I do not wish to talk of why I ran or what happened. Atleast not now." Facing Lancelot she saw him hang his head in momentary defeat. "I will tell you soon enough, but I cant right now. Please, you must understand ...I want to tell you, I do. But there are things that I have experienced that are difficult to comprehend let alone explain. I promise, I will tell you in time." she pleaded with him once more.

Sighing he looked to her eyes. "Very well." he answered as he turned to finish he search of the grounds. She started to follow when he turned around. "I will be fine on my own. You should return to bed." Lancelot said, this time he left her alone with her thoughts as he went off to sort out his.

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**I thought I might let Lancelots frustration with his current situation start to catch up with him. Hope you enjoy how I approached it.**


	28. Fulicinia's Advice

**Finals are OVER:D Anyways, now that my finals are over, I will try and post a new chapter ever day or two. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I tried to rewrite it several times and this was the best of them. I would like to send my thanks and appreciation to all who R&R. Again I hope you enjoy this chapter, let me know what you think and I will try and post again soon.**

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The wind swept around him as he continued to walk around the grounds, leaving her behind. Not glancing back he could only imagine the look on her face as he walked away from her. Fearing what he may say he had to leave. The frustration of their situation was constantly building on his heart and being near her right now would only add to it. Looking from side to side Lancelot saw couples huddled together sleeping. For a brief moment the thought crossed his mind that he and Lillian may never have that again, not if she didnt remember.

"You look troubled young Knight." her voice came from the trees beside him. Looking he saw the woman to be none other than Marius' widow, Fulicinia. "Is everything all right?" she asked approaching. Her steps barely made a sound on the ground.

"Fine M'Lady." Lancelot said bowing slightly before her. "I am sorry for your loss." Lancelot added after a moments silence as he remembered the sight of Guinevere's arrow protruding from his chest.

"Thank you." she said softly. Lowering her head for only a moment. "You know...Marius wasnt always like that. He was a kinder man. He had his moments like all people do. But there was a time when he was loving and caring, unfortunately, time can change people. Depending on the person or even the situation, sometimes it is for the better, sometimes for the worse. Like your young woman friend. Lillian if I am not mistaken."

Her words caught him slightly off his guard.

"I am guessing that she has not always been like she is now." Fulicinia added. The look on Lancelots face was answer enough. "Come let us walk as we talk Sir Knight." she said. Side by side the two figures continued down the path Lancelot had started.

"You are right, she was never like she is now. She never kept things from me." Lancelot announced the frustration in his voice evident.

"And that bothers you." Fulicinia said.

"Yes! How am I supposed to help her if she wont talk to me." Lancelot raged. He couldnt believe he was spilling all of this to her. Although part of him felt relieved.

"Sometimes talking helps but, just the knowing helps even more." Fulucinia responded the wind blowing her hair slightly around her face.

"Knowing what?." Lancelot asked..

"Knowing that you are there should she find the need to talk. That you love her. That probably helps her more than you know." Fulicinia spoke slighty annoyed with the knights response. "Do you love her Lancelot?" the woman asked. Although her face was still that of a fairly young and beautiful woman, her eyes showed her age and her wisdom.

"Yes. Though sometimes I wonder if that will be enough." Lancelot admitted. The latter words left a distaste in his mouth as he said them. A glimpse of Lillian filled his mind then quickly disppeared.

"Well you will never know unless you stick it through to the end. It will not be easy, even for a Sarmatian Knight such as yourself. Then again life is rarely easy for any of us. There will be times that will test you feelings for her, that you wonder why you are still there, but, as long as there is the smallest chance that she can become even remotely like the woman you remember, it will be worth it in the end. If you are willing to be patient. If you love her enough." Fulicinia said sadly as she thought back on the young mans situation though her words were full of faith in what she spoke. "I should return to my son." she said quietly bowing her head to Lancelot. "I wish you the best of luck Sir Knight."

He watched her walk away until she vanished from his sight. Looking around he finally realised that he had finished walking the grounds. Making his way back to the center of the campsite he stopped just short of the carriage. Part of him wanted to leave but yet another wanted him to enter. To see if she was inside. Listening to the voice of the latter he pulled aside the curtain that hung over its opening. Stepping up he peered into the darkness of the carriage. In the dimness he managed to make out the bodies of a small child, Dagonet and two others. Guinevere and Lillian. One of the bodies rolled over revealing the face of the young woad woman. The trace light from the moon above cast seeped into the carriage drawing his shadow on the far wall. For some reason the knight froze in his steps. _'What do I say to her? I treated her cruelly only moments ago, she probably wouldnt even want to see let alone talk to me.' _He wanted his legs to move but the remained glued where he stood. His deep dark eyes looked to the small frame in the far corner that he thought to be hers and, in a pain of guilt, he took a step down and let the drape fall back into place, seperating him from the figures within the carriage. Pausing for a moment Lancelot turned around leaving the carriage behind him.

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His tone voice as he spoke had seemed bitter and underlying with the emotions he was trying to keep in check. She had wanted to tell him, some part of her wanted to open her mouth and tell him everything. But, she didnt. Years of holding her tongue was a hard thing to break, especially since it is all you remember. She watched him march on and for reasons she didnt understand Lillian felt a deep sadness come over her. A gust of wind caught her hair and lifted it into the air. With one of her hands she brushed the flying air back behind her ears. Turning away she returned to the carriage. She had wanted to lash out at him for being so persistant but she held her tongue instead. Another thing she had learned from being a Saxon. But she wasnt a Saxon, no, she may have lived among them but she wasnt one, she was a Sarmatian like he was yet she couldnt shake away the lessons she had learned from living with Saxon men, from Cynric.

She hoped Dagonet had fallen to sleep when she returned, she didnt want to talk to anyone about anything right now. Opening the curtains she peered inside, no movement came from any who were housed within its makeshift walls. Slowly she made her way back to the corner that she had occupied earlier.

"If anyone can hear me, I could use a little help here. Anything. A point in the right direction, some clue as to what I should do." Lillian said quietly as not to wake the others. _'Help me to remember who I am.'_ she pleaded.

She knew she was tired, but Lillian also knew she wouldnt be able to fall asleep, not now anyways. Still she closed her eyes, apparently she tiredness that she felt in her body was greater then she had thought. She wasnt sure how much time had passed from when she entered to the time that she reopened her eyes but the sense of someones eyes looking over her caused her to stir awake. Looking up she saw a shadow of a man outlining the wall before her. By the time she turned around to see who was there, the one who stood there was now gone. Rising she made her way back to the entrance of the carriage, hesitating she gently pulled the curtain aside. In the distance she saw a man walking from her with two swords drapped on his back.

_'Lancelot.'_ she thought to herself as the figure started to disappear into the night. She thought to chase after him, to talk to him but she closed the curtain gently.

Sitting down she looked up, to the sky beyond the roof of the carriage, past the cloths that abscured her veiw to the stars that still lined the sky.


	29. Courage to tell

**Here's another chapter, hope you like it. There's a little OOC for Dagonet just to let you know. As for finals, I passed:D Anyways, I hope you enjoy this addition and please review if you can. Hope you all havea great day.**

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The sky was now alive with the sound of birds and the rays from the rising sun beat down upon the traveling group. The group had gotten an early start and would reach the wall in a few hours. Lillian rode along side the carriage with Dagonet at her side. She had told him to rest but he wanted to be out in the open air, to feel that he was of some use. Reluctantly she agreed and had been able to persuade Arthur to let him ride. The condition was that she was not to leave his side and if at any moment he felt weak he was to return to the carriage. But he didnt, they have been riding for a while and he still held strong. She watched as the young child Lucian sat just with in arms reach of his rescuer. Happy to see the knight moving again.

Turning from the scene beside her she looked to the lead of the group. Like usual Arthur sent Tristan ahead leaving the others behind. Beside him she saw Lancelot. She had tried to talk to before the group started to move out but she couldnt find him. Now there he was, a few yards before her but she didnt dare to move to him.

Noticing the silence beside him Dagonet looked to Lillian. His eyes followed her stare and were laid upon the figure of Lancelot.

"Lillian?" Dagonet said causing her to break her gaze on the dark haired knight.

"Dagonet, may I ask you something?" She asked looking to the man next to her, even on horse back he was large in comparison to her but the softness in his eyes decieved his outward appearance.

"Of course." He responded his eyes studing the look on her face.

"About Lancelot..." she started to speak but then stopped.

"What about him?" Dagonet said softly so as not to attract attention to them.

"Never mind. Forget it." she said softly returning her attention to her surroundings.

"No I wont forget it. Whats wrong?" He asked slowing their pace. People passed them on either side as the came to a stop.

"You and I, we are friends aren't we Dagonet?" she asked sadly. "Before the Saxons, before all of this." She said nodding to their surroundings.

"Yes we were, and we still are." Dagonet answered assuredly.

"Then as a friend, not as a knight or a brother in arms, not as a Sarmatian, but as a friend can you help me?" she asked drawing her blue stare to him. He looked at her slightly confused at the question set before him. Her eyes looked longingly into his for his answer.

"I am always your friend and being that I will always be here for you." He answered softly. Looking up he saw the group slightly ahead of them. "Come tell me as we walk."

At a leisurly pace the two followed the large ensemble.

"What was he like before I was lost?" she asked quietly, her eyes shot to Lancelot before making their way back to him.

"He was much like he is now, but not. He fights just as well, better even. His humor is much the same as are his mannerisms. His eyes though, the way he looks at the world, thats changed. There had been a darkness in them until recently." Dagonet stated clearly.

Looking to the wounded man beside her she saw the earnesty in his eyes. Drawing her gaze to Lancelot who still lay in the lead with Arthur she choked on her words.

"What...what was I like? What kind of person was I?" She asked a sadness in her voice that she had longed tried to conceal was now as clear as day in her words. She saw the look in his eyes as he tried his best to come up with an answer. Overhead they heard the sound of Tristans hawk flying high above, drawing their attention to the heavens above.

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_'What were you like? You followed your heart, your instinct. You werent afraid of anyone or anything.Not like you are now.' _Glancing over he still saw her eyeing the sky above.

"You were very kind, even to those who didnt deserve it. You liked to make others laugh. You were very brave and you were a wonderful swordsmen and knight. You even bested some of us at times. You were determined, a little stubborn at times bit all in all you were honest, loyal and a person that we were all glad to have called friend." He said most assertively as the eyes met. "And you still are." he added placing a hand gently on hers. The movement caused a small amount of pain that he hid behind a smile to her.

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She felt a pain of guilt sting her heart when he described who she had been. She thought it hard to believe if you looked at her now. The thought of this girl he discribed caused her eyes to brim with water. "As my friend, what should I do?" Her voice cracked as she spoke the words. Drawing her eyes to his she looked for her answer. "You have overheard a part of my life that no one knows of. Should I tell him? Should I tell the others?"

"That is a choice I cannot make for you. Should you decide to tell the others of what had happened to you would be the best but if you feel that you do not wish them to know then your secret is safe with me. One thing that I do know, is we will remain beside you no matter what you have to tell us." Dagonet answered trying to sooth her worries. Placing her hand on his she forced a small smile. Small and sad.

"Thank you my friend." she whispered. Taking a deep breath her deep blue eyes surveyed the mass of people around them until he fell into her sight. "Will you be alright by yourself for a moment?" she asked looking quickly to Dagonet. Releasing her hand he nodded. "I will return soon."

He watched as she made her way through the bodies of those that walked until she reached the front of the group. Right beside Lancelot.


	30. Hadrians Wall

**Hope all you readers enjoy this chapter. Let me know what you think. As usual I would like to thank all who read and all who review my story. It is all greatly appreciated. Please continue with the reviews. :D Another update coming soon.**

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It didnt take her long to make it to the head of the line. She could see the suprise on thetwo mens faces as she pulled along side them.

"You are supposed to be with Dagonet." Arthur said glancing briefly to her before returning his eyes to the path ahead of them. "That was our agreement Lillian."

"I know. I know. He's fine." she admitted her eyes gazing to the distance ahead. She still felt a little strange being called that name, but if it would help her to remember anything at all, it would work out for the better in the end.

"Then if you know, why are you up here and not back there with him?" Lancelot asked not looking to the woman beside him. His tone caused her to turn to him, hurt in her eyes.

"I had actually come here to speak to you, but I am beginning to think you would not listen." she shot back, the tone in her voice drawing the knights attention. _'Now is not the time for this, you came here to tell him so tell him. There's no turning back now.' _For a brief moment their eyes met then she looked to Arthur. "If you feel that Dagonet is in any danger by being alone for a few minutes you could go and check on him if you like." The look in her eyes changed from that of frustration with the man beside her to a pleading stare directed to the Roman officer, hoping he would leave.

Arthur saw the look in her eyes and looking to Lancelot he slowed his pace and turning around he went to the end of the line, near Dagonet.

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"You wouldn't happen to know what thatwas all about do you?" Arthur asked taking a place alongside Dagonet.

"You can ask Lillian when she returns." Dagonet asked determined to keep her secret even from his commanding officer.

"You know I always hate it when you two do that." Arthur implied looking to Dagonet with a small smile on his face. "I am glad you are well my friend."

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Waiting until he was out of earshot she took a deep breath to settle her nerves. Silence stood between the two as they continued their way to Hadrain's Wall.

"You know, I tried to find you this morning." Lillian spoke up breaking the uneasy silence between them. She tried to sound cheerful as she spoke even though beneath her facade her heart thudded within her chest.

"Really?" Lancelot asked. His voice monotone as he answered her, his eyes still looking straight before him.

"You are mad at me aren't you?" she implied staring hard at the man beside her.

"What would make you think that?" he asked finally bringing his gaze to hers.

"The way you have acted since we last talked for one. Its as though you have been trying to avoid me. The way you are talking to me now for another." Lillian said. Now she was the one to break their gaze, staring off to the hills before them.

"I am not mad at you Lillian." Lancelot answered trying to assure her meaning every word. Placing a hand on her arm she brought her eyes down to where she felt his hand.

"But you are frustrated with me. That I know even if you try to deny it, I see it in your eyes. Especially when we last talked." Lillian said quietly. Eventually bringing her blue eyes back to his.

Lancelot sighed when she had finished. Admitting her accusations without question.

"I'm..." Lancelot started in an effort to explain but was cut short by her voice.

"Frustrated that I dont remember anything about us. That we cant talk like we used to or can it be the fact that I wont talk. Especially about the last eight years. About what happened last night when we kissed." she said seeing the sad agreement in his eyes.

Silence stood between the two. Their gazes parted and each stared to the road ahead, contemplating the revelations that had just taken place. Looking back she caught Dagonet's eye. He silent demeanor did not hide the persuasion in his eyes. Trying to push her to speak up. In his eyes she found a rekindled courage that she had initially came to Lancelot with and turning back she looked to the dark haired knight beside her. The slight wind blew her hair over her eyes, also causing the dark locks of his hair to stir.

"Lancelot..." she whispered softly, finally finding the voice to speak. "I didnt mean to come up here and start a quarrel between us. Actually I came here to talk about what happened last night."

Her words and the tone of her voice brought his eyes to her face. Sadness clearly evident on her fair skin. Seeing the difficulty she had in speaking what troubled her so he silently he awaited her to continue.

"There are things that I am about to tell you that will not be easy for me to say or even easy for you to hear." she started once more, her eyes meeting his briefly before falling away once more. Her fingerstwirling the reigns nervously between them. "I...Cynric..." her voice choked in her throat as she spoke.

He saw the tears start to brim her eyes as she struggled to talk. His heart began to ache knowing that the reason she was in such a state was because of him.

"What I'm trying to say is..." bring her gaze to his she tried to finish but instead, meeting the darkness of her eyes, the feelings hidden deep within them, caused her to lose her words once more. Dropping her eyes once again she shut them closed, trying to gain control of her composure and her words. Frustrated with herself she ran her fingers through her hair like she had seen Lancelot do on so many occasions before. Inhaling deep she sighed. "I...I.." opening her eyes she looked out before her and was taken away by the sight before her. "I cant believe it. Hadrians Wall."

From their perch on their mounts she stared over to the vast wall that seemed to stretch on as far as she could see. The men that lined its walkways were small from where she sat, banners flew from its towers. Losing all sense of what she was saying she found herself awe struck by the structure before her which only grew with every passing moment.


	31. Behind the Wall

**I am so sorry for the delay in the update. Hope you like this chapter. It took me a while to write it. I would like to thank all of you for your patience and for all of your wonderful reviews. I hope you keep R&Ring. I will update by tomorrow. Hope you enjoy it.**

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As they neared closer to their destination figures began to take shape of the men that lined the wall. Following the dirt road leading to its massive gates Lillian began to tense up. Her pace slowed as she eyed the structure before her.

"Beautiful sight isnt she." Bors announced trotting up from behind them. His eyes transfixed on the wall.

"Yes...yes it is." Lillian said quietly. Her voice far away as she spoke. Her eyes flashed from the wall to Bors then to Lancelot.

"Welcome home Lillian." Bors said with a smile patting her on the shoulder.

_'Home?' _she thought to herself. Home. The thought caused her mind to race. Managing a smile in return she acknowledged what he was trying to do for her.

Glancing back to the wall shesaw a small group of men hovered in one corner. The sun lay high above them and the reflection off the shields and armor blinded her, causing her to shut her eyes tightly. Rubbing the lids of her eyes she tried to rid herself of the blinding light of the reflected sun.

_'Lillian!' _A voice shouted causing her to open them once more and gaze up at the wall. _'RUS!' The men on the wall raised their arms high in the air as they shouted. _Closing her eyes tightly she shook her head as the voices continued to fill it her ears. The voices of the men on the wall began to slowly fade as the voices of the party behind her took their place.

"Welcome home." A voice softly said beside her causing her to raise her head. Dagonet looked to her with sympathy, beside him rode Arthur who gladlyseconded what the knight spoke.

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The massive doors that were the gates spread wide open to permit the large group entry. Spikes protruded from its face, put there to ward off threats to those inside. The chattering from the men and women behind her grew as they crossed its threshold. Holding her followed in after Dagonet and Arthur. She heard murmurs from several guards as the large band entered. Their eyes falling over them, inspecting them all. Turning back to the gate she saw the massive doors start to close and her vision of the outside world became blocked off as the came to a shut.

A small precession of Roman guards incircled them as the group continued on to the small village that layed inside. Following Arthur and the others Lillian shrunk back on the horse that bore her. Feeling small and defenseless against the armed guards. How she wished to have a sword, a weapon of any kind at her side. The look she recieved from the Roman beside her was emotionless and unmoving as they walked on. Despite the happenings of the last few days she still felt an unknown anger with the romans that lay around the group. A wanting to attack the group that for eight years had been her enemy but, she dropped her gaze to the man beside her and instead focused on the nearing village and homes.

Once inside the small village, Lillian fell in line behind Arthur and Lancelot as they made their way into a small enclosure. On either side of her the men proceeded to dismount. One by one the men started to disappear as their feet landed on the earth beneath them. Wishing to hide amidst from the eyes that were peering in from the gates surrounding the enclosure Lillian followed suit. Looking around she saw a man enter from one of the many doors that lined the buildings walls.

"Ah! Good! Christ be praised! Against all the odds Satan could possi-..." The man stopped short as his eyes darted to one of the caravans that followed the knights in. Looking Lillian saw that what drew the older mans attention was that of Alecto who was now exiting the carriage. A look of suprise and elation struck the face of the older man as he approached the boy. "Alecto! Let me see you! You have triumphed! Young Alecto! Let me see you. You are here!" She was sure everyone saw the nervous look that plastered itself on Alecto's face as the older man came forward, arms outstretched.

"Bishop Germanus." came a whisper from behind. Turning she Gawain.

"Lucan!" Guinevere called drawing everyone to look at her. Stepping slightly out from her hiding she saw Lucan running away from the carriage and straight to Dagonet.

"You! Boy!" A Roman shouted walking forward to catch the running child, only to be met by the blade of a small dagger which was weilded by Galahad. Fearfully the guard backed away and a much friendly sight drew everyones attention when Dagonet, although he towered of Lucan unmeasurably, kneeled down low and embrace him gently. A small wince of pain on his face didnt stop him from holding his position for several moments.

"Great Knights. You are free now! Give me the papers. Come, come!" Germanus spoke, his voice broke the momentary silence and caused all the men to turn his way. The look on Arthurs face was all but happy to see the Bishop. "Your papers of safe conduct throughtout the Roman Empire! Take it, Arthur."

Arthur approached, his eyes staring hard into those of Germanus. "Bishop Germanus. Friend of my father." Taking a few more moments Arthur stared coldly to the man before him before walking away. The Bishop seemed obviously taken back by his words.

"You are free. You can go." The Bishop said signaling for the knights to take the scrolls presented to them.

Allowing her eyes to float away from the scene taking place before her, Lillian journeyed farther out into the open. All around them people stared in on them. Watching their every move. She did not see the Bishop leave nor the Knights collect their papers for in that instant her eyes looked to the faces of those around them. Men and women as well as children each trying to puch their way through. Working her way along the crowd her eyes fell on a woman with firey red hair and all around her there were children.

"See, your fathers fine. Atleast until I get ahold of 'im." she said bouncing a small child on her hips. The womans eyes passed over all within the enclosure. "See, they're all..." her voice stopped short as her eyes fell on Lillian. The child she bounced on her hip was now being lowered slowly to the ground. The woman still holding her eyes on her. "Stay here." she said to what Lillian believed to be her oldest daughter before she begin to make her way pass the Romans at the entrance.


	32. Vanora and the children

**Hello again everyone. Hope you like this chapter. Its kinda fast paced but I hope I wrote it well. Took me a while to get it though. Let me know what you think. Thank you to all who have read and to those who have reviewed as well. Queen of Cliffhangers... interesting. lol. Anyways hope you enjoy. Another chapter will be up shortly.**

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"Lillian?...Lillian is that you?" the red haired woman asked approaching her. The children that she left behind tried to look around one another in an effort to see the dark haired woman that attracted their mother so. "Is that really you?" she asked coming to a stop. Her eyes started to tear up as she looked deeply into Lillians. Her voice waivered as she asked.

"Thats what they tell me." Lillian said nervously. Even though they were some distance away she felt several of the Knights come up on either side of her. The woman placed a hand of her mouth as she let out a small cry before embracing Lillian in a hug. The womans arms folded around her permitting no escape from her grasp. Lillians arms hung straight at her side, unsure of how to react to the woman before her. She side glanced and saw all of the knights now looking at them. She heard the sound of soft cries coming from the red haired woman and, as she pulled away she saw tears on her face.

"We were told that you were killed by Saxon hands." the red haired woman spoke wiping the tears from her eyes. "Kids come over here. Lillians back!" the woman shouted over her shoulder, summoning her children. Lillian looked to the knights beside her, uncertainty and panic in her eyes. "We've missed you love." the red haired lady added as her children came up behind her.

"Vanora." Bors said calmly stepping forward, trying to get her attention.

"Lillian?" one of the girls asked. From her size Lillian thought her to be the oldest daughter of the group. The girl looked kindly and curiously into her eyes. Her like her mother before her, embrace Lillian in a tight hug.

"Well dont just stand there. Give her a hug all of you." Vanora said nudging some of the younger children on.

"Vanora!" Bors voice rose as he spoke her name once more but once again the woman paid no heed to his call.

"Where have you been?"

"Are you going to leave us again?"

"How did you escape the Saxons?"

"Why didnt you come back?"

"We never thought we would see you again?"

"We have heard so much about you." Several of the younger children said. All around her children encircled her. Her eyes flashed to the knights as they moved forward to try and quiet the children and to pull them away. Those that managed to pry themselves free of a Knights grasp ran back and began to ask their questions all over again. Their voices began to overlap so much that several started to shout so that they may be heard over the others.

"Vanora! Put a stop to this all of you." Bors started to shout finally getting the womans attention.

"Shes back Bors. Isnt it amazing." Vanora said answering his call.

"Vanora listen to me." Bors said but it was to late. She had already turned back to Lillian.

The children around her grabbed on to her arms. Tugging at her as they asked their questions repeatedly. Her mind began to race as the people around her bagan to blur. She tried to focus but all she heard were their questions. Their voices. The pace of the knights quickened as they tried to free her form the circle of bodies around her. Her world started to spin. She heard the sounof voices from several of the knights. Some calling her name, others calling out to the children and the woman with the red hair.

_'Where have you been... welcome back...how...why...where...what...?'_ Their voices echoed loudly in her ears as she started to back up only to met by the bodies of children behind her. Her hands went to her head covering her ears as she tried to block the chorus of voices coming her way. Blood pounded in her head. Her eyes shot open and looked around her for a place to escape. Any place that would hide her from the mob around her, from the choas of voices and bodies. Her eyes fell on one of the doors that lined the walls of the building they arrived at. Pushing her way past the children near her she ran for the door. Lancelot tried to stop her but she ran passed him just out of arms reach. She raced through the open door not sure where it would lead but hoping for solitude. Slamming the door behind her she fell to the floor, back against the door trying to prevent any from entering.

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"Vanora!" Bors shouted loudly causing her and the children to quiet down and face him. His hand went to her arm as he saw her heading after the frightened woman.

"Bors." she said suprisingly turning to meet her lovers hard stare. "Whats gotten into you."

"You cannot and like this around her. She's barely inside the wall and ya' all are crowdin' around her and such." Bors spoke, his voice, although directed mainly to Vanora, was loud enough so all others could hear. Silence swept over them. The children hung their head at the sound of their fathers voice.

"We were just showing the lass how much we missed her. She's been gone for so long, we just got caught up in the moment. But I guess you're right. We should let her settle in first. Then we could all get together at the pub later. Drinks are on the house." Vanora answered, her eyes lit up as she thought of it all.

"Vanora." Bors said rather impatiently but the woman paid not heed to him once more.

She walked around as thoughts came to mind as to what they could do. "Everyone could get together. We could talk of plans for the future and talk of old times..."

"Vanora she doesnt remember the old times!" Bors shouted finally silencing her. The glow in her eyes started to fade as she walked towards him.

"What do you mean she doesnt remember?" Vanora asked confusion in her voice.

Vanora and the children listened intently as Bors and the others talked of their tale of finding Lillian with the Saxons. They did not see Lancelot disappear around the side of the building with his horse in tow.

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"Wait here my friend." he whispered stroking dark hid on the neck of his steed. Tying him off onto one of the railings Lancelot pushed open the door before him.


	33. fallen friends

Ear pressed to the door she tried to hear what was taking place on the other side. The voices that were once loud and all around her were now low and indistinct. Silenty she waited for the sound of someone to approach the door and try to call her out.

"Looks like you could use some fresh air." a voice said breaking the silence within the walls of the room. Suprised at the voice she turned around. His dark eyes stared back at her.

"How did you..." she started to say curioiusly. Her eyes darted to various corners of the room looking for where he may have come from.

"These buildings are filled with back entries." he answered before she finished her question. "One thing the Romans tend to do right. Theyplan ahead."

"You must be mad. I cant go out there." She announced as she rose and preceeded to walk to him.

"Sometimes." he answered sarcastically. "Do not worry, we would not be leaving that way. Even if Arthur and the others manage to calm things down and explain the situation I would not recommend leaving that way. However I would like it if you came with me. I have something that I want to show you." He added, trying his hardest to coax her into coming with him.

Glancing quickly back to the door she bit her lip.

"You cant stay in here forever." Lancelot said as though reading her mind. "Come on." he added stretching a hand out for hers. Her blue eyes went from his outstretched hand to his face, which was full of hope,then back to his outstreched hand. Taking one last look at the door she took the hand he offered to her. "This way." he added leading her out the way he had come. Pausing just short of the door she listened intently for the sound of others.

"We are the only ones back here. Everyone else is up front. It is safe I assure you." Trying to calm her fears he stepped out before her and looked around. Stepping out into the light she saw he spoke the truth. The only other being back their was Lancelot's horse, which barely acknowledged their arrival until he was untied from his post.

"Ladies first." Lancelot said lowering his head with a smile so that she would feel more at ease. Signaling to the black horse beside him he waited.Quickly he sat behind her and, wrapping his arms around her waist, he grabbed the reigns and led them off to their destination and once again, with his arms around her she felt safe. Slowly she leaned farther back until she came to rest upon his chest glancing up she saw a small smile light the young knights face as he briefly looked down to her. Inside she felt her heart jump and a warm sensation flooded through her.

"Where are we going Lancelot?" she asked as she looked around them.

"You'll see." he answered as he looked down she looked to him and their eyes met. Their faces were so close the urge to kiss her once more came over him just like ithad the night before. To feel her lips on his. Clearing his throat he dismissed the thought and brought his attention back to the road before them.

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His eyes, so dark so caring. She could feel him breathe. In the moment their eyes met she wanted him to kiss her. To hold her as close as he had before in the woods.

_'You are mine.' _Cynrics voice whispered in her ear dulling the brief happiness she had felt.

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In the distance Lillian saw what looked to be random mounds of dirt growing closer. It wasnt until the pair were practically ontop of the heaps of dirt themselves before she realized what he had taken them. A cemetery. Rows upon rows were the men had buried their fallen comrades. Each marked by thedeceased weapon of choice. Her eyes scanned the land and the grave sites seemed to stretch on as far as she could see. Coming to a stop Lancelot dismounted and reaching up he helped Lillian to the ground beside him. Her eyes not moving from the sight of the graves before them.

"Why did you bring me here?" she asked mournfully as a chill ran up her spine and sorrow crept upon her. Finally tearing her eyes from the many swords that stuck up from the ground as markers she looked to the knight beside her. She saw what seemed to be a slight discomfort for being here.

"Several reasons." Lancelot answered, his eyes darted to the buried men. "Both were to show you something. Look around you." he added pointing to the graves around them. As she once again scanned the horizon he spoke up once more."Some of the men that are buried here you knew, both in childhood and as a knight. I did not bring you here to sadden you but to give you even more reason to remember. To remember those that did not live to see this day. The day you returned and the day of their freedom."

She knew he did not bring her here to cause her pain but to show her even more of her past. Guilt stung her heart at the thought of the men she could no longer remember.

"That is not all." Lancelot said drawing her back from her silence. "Follow me." he said summoning her after him. He led her through the mass of graves until he came to a halt at the foot of one grave in particular. "Go ahead." he said signaling for her to continue on to the head of the grave. Walking up she saw the swords that protruded from the ground. Their onceshimmering blades now dull with age and weather.

"Whos grave is this?" Lillian asked intrigued by the twin swords before her. Lancelot remained at his post at the foot of the grave hands held in front of him.

"They are yours." he answered sadly. "They were all that we found. Those and your horse." he added.

"My horse?" she asked shocked at the news.

"Yes. He is in the stables." Lancelot said with a little smile. "You shall see him again soon but I thought to show you these since the incident when we arrived prevents us from going to the stables first."

"And these are mine." she said in awe as she looked at them not quite believing him.

"Yes. Go ahead. Take them." He said urging her on. Happiness in his heart at the thought of the swords no longer being embedded in the dirt at the head of the emtpy grave. Pausing momentarily she held out her unsteady fingers and began to trace the designs on their handles butstopped just short of pulling them out.


	34. a test of Love

**Hello again. Hope you all enjoy this chapter. Lillian finally tell Lancelot. How will our young knight react. Its alittle different then what you probably expected but I hope you like it. Please R&R and I will update again soon. Thanks for reading. **

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"I couldnt possibly." she said jerking her hand back.

"Why not, their yours?" Lancelot laughed.

"I wouldn't know how to use them." she said easily. "Cynric never taught me how to wield two swords. I wouldnt know where to begin." she added carelessly. After the words left her lips she realised the error she had made. Turning her eyes to Lancelot she saw his face grow dark at the mention of Cynrics name. Turning the knight glanced to the many swords that lined the hill. _'Stupid.' _she thought biting her lip. Looking down she once more saw the dull glimmer of the swords before her. _'It wouldnt hurt to at least pick one up.' _Glancing quickly to the knight she reached her hand out, grazing the one of the swords dark handles. Following the curves she gripped the sword tightly and, taking a deep breath she pulled the sword free from the earth that had for so long been its home. Lifting the sword she let the rays of the afternoon sun reflect upon its blade casting the reflection on her face.

Hearing the sound of the dirt falling from its pile beside the sword he turned to see Lillian staring curiously at the upright blade.

_'Hold it tightly. Dont lose your focus.' _a voice like the wind whispered in her ear. Her eyes darted to Lancelot who had not moved.

_'Focus.' _The voice whispered once more and her eyes fell back onto the blade._ 'Two swords are harder to wield then one. You must learn to concentrate twice as hard.'_

_'Now, Focus.'_

_'FOCUS!'_ the voice shouted.

_'No not the same voice.' _she thought. _'Not the same.' _It was harsher, crueler in its tone. Cruel and menacing. _'Cynric'_

_'I said focus!' Cynric snapped. Grabbing her wrist tightly in his hand causing her to fall to her knees under the pain. _

_'I am sorry.' She said wincing has he squeezed even tighter. She was sure if he held on any tighter he might crush her wrist. His eyes cold as he held her showed the pleasure he got from seeing her in pain._

_'Sorry will not save you from the enemy, nor from me.' _

Dropping the sword she gasped for air.

"Lillian?" Lancelot asked with concern as he watched the womans expression change from that of curiousity to fear. "Lillian!" he shouted to her as the swordstruck the ground hard andshe fell to bended knee. Racing before her he knealt down beside her. His eyes searching hers.The look in her eyes showed the fear she felt for an unseen terror. Grabbing her shoulders he shook her back to reality. "Lillian whats wrong?" he asked brushing her hair away from her face and back behind her ears.

Tears brimmed the sky blue of her eyes as she looked to him. She saw the love for her in his eyes. In her heart she hoped the love that her felt for her would be strong enough for what she needed to do. Shrugging his hands away she rose and walked away pulling her arms tightly around her as she went.

"You said you wanted to know. Very well. Cynric is everywhere I look. Everywhere. No matter where I go or what I do he is there." she finally managed to say aloud before her voice choked on her.

"You dont have to worry about him anymore. Forget him and the Saxons." Lancelot said softly. Coming up quietly behind her he reached a hand up to caress her shoulder.

"I cant forget them. I may be Lillian the Sarmatian but some part of me will always be Kendra."

Not meaning to hurt him she shrugged him away. Things were already difficult enough without her feeling him so near. Breathing deeply she fought to find her voice leaving the knight beind her in disbelief.

"Promise me something Lancelot. Promise..." her voice started to crack as she spoke. "promise me that for the next few minutes you will listen. Just listen."

"Come on Lillian whats..."

"Just promise me." Turning around she had tears in her eyes. With the distance between them she hoped he did not see them although the waivering in her voice gave her away. "Please." she pleaded as their eyes locked.

"I promise." Lancelot asked confused at the situation at hand.

Hanging her head she gave a weary smile in acceptance of his answer. Turning her back to him she inhaled the stale air. The words she so desperately wanted to say were caught in her throat. For a brief moment the only sound to break the silence was the wind as it swept passed.

"I fought hard you know. I did. I fought I need you to understand that. I probably would have kept on fighting had I known of you and the others. That you were out there. If I would have known anything of my past. Unfortunetaly over time the spirit tends to give up the will to fight especially after so long and with no hope in sight."

"Lillian." Lancelot spoke up. His voice and eyes equally intense. Not wanting to hear what she was to say but not wanting her to stop talking.

"You promised to listen." she cried loudly causing the knight to fall silent. "I fought so hard at the start. With all my strength but...he's a man, and no matter what I tried he was stronger then I. He began to become so angry with me when I fought back. Cynric would pin me to the ground. I tried...I tried... He..." unstoppable tears came forth as she relived the terrible moments in her head. Breathing steadily she struggled to find her next words. "Cynric trained me to fight...he even beat me...and when he couldnt find anymore punishments for me he...he...raped...me."

Turning around she saw the face of the young, dark, haired knight grow pale and empty of emotion. Sighing heavily he turned to the empty grave beside him. Running his fingers through his hair as he let her news sink in. His jaw clenched and anger in his face. Silence stood between them as she waited for him to respond.

"Well say something will you." she cried.

Turning his head ever lightly he listen to her words. "And whatwouldyou likeme to say." he asked cooly.

"I dont know. Anything. Say anything just dont stand there." she pleaded hoping he would answer.

His mind raced with all the questions he could ask but when he opened his mouth to ask them only one came out. "That is why you ran from me last night. Isnt it?...Isnt it!" he began to shout anger in his voice. Finally bringinghis eyes to her.

"Yes!" she shouted admitting what had happened. The sound of the anger in his voice starting to scare her.

"I held you. I kissed you and you saw the man that raped you." Lancelot started off again his voice now low but still intense.

"I didnt want to." She said softly aproaching him. "I am so sorry Lancelot." she cried. Her pleas were met silently when Lancelot raised his hand signaling for her to stop.

"You should return to the fort." He said staring off to the treeline. "The others will be looking for you."

"What about you?" she asked staring sadly at the knight before him. His figure which moments before stood tall and proud was now hunched over.

"I need some time." he answered. "You can ride him back." he added pointing to his horse. "Jols will take him to the stables when you arrive."

Standing a moment longer she tried to find words to speak. Something to break through to him to cast down the wall he put up but nothing seemed appropriate. Walking to his horse she took one last look back before mounting. On the way back to the stables Lillian glanced back to the cemetery. In the distance she saw Lancelot walking off.


	35. A fathers last gift

**Hello again everyone. Hope you like this chapter. Took me a while to write it. I wrote several drafts and this was the one that I liked most. Hope you like it too. Thank you to all who read this and to all who review. Keep it up and I'll keep writing. Anyways I will update again in the next day or so. **

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"I'll take him." Jols said grabbing the reigns. "On my way to the stables to feed them anyways." He added patting the horse on the side. The black steed brung his neck closer to the man urging him to continue. "Arthur asked me to show you to your room when you returned. If you dont mind coming with me, I'll take you to your quarters have I place him in his stall."

"Sure." she answered solemly her mind elsewhere as the man led the way. _'I hope I did the right thing.' _she thought to herself.

The stable was massive with stalls all around. Obviously made to house many horses thought by now the number of riders had dwindled as did the mounts.

"Could you get the lock for me." Jols asked nodding to one of the far stalls. Jumping ahead of him she unlocked it. Moviing aside she gave him room to lead the horse inside.

"There ya go." Jols said turning the horse about and tying him off. Unhooking the saddle he brought it to her. "Do ya mind puttin' this on the railin' back behind ya."

With a small half smile she accepted the package he held.

"Strange seein' you again Lillian, but it is good to have ya back." Jols said as he start to take the reigns off the horse, scratching the horses neck momentarily. "Things will start being like old times again."

Setting the saddle down she remained at its side. _'Old times. I dont remember what the old times were but I have a feeling they wont be coming back.' _she was about to say but held her tongue. "Yeah. Old times." she spoke instead. Her voice distant and lacking conviction. Her eyes went to the othr horses in the stable. They had already been unsaddled and cleaned and they waited patiently for their food. Walking back to the stall that now held Lancelots horse she leaned her back against a pillar. Jols continued to clean him off, brushing at his mane and checking his hooves.

_'What am I going to do now. Things arent going to be the same. Dagonet knows. Lancelot knows. Just a matter of time before everyone else does.' _Lillian's mind raved. How would the others handle it. Would they act like Dagonet or would they act like Lancelot. Her mind was racing with thoughts of what may happen when they were abruptly interrupted.

"Hey." she shouted in retaliation to the being he pushed at her. Looking to the stall next to the one Jols was in she saw no one. Atleast no man or woman, but a horse. Its bright, friendly dark eyes stared back at her as the horse nudged her again. "Now what is this all about." she said laughing at the horses odd behavior. Bringing a hand up she rubbed at the horses nose and made her way to the cheeks. "He's beautiful." she said looking to Jols.

"He's a she and she is yours." Jols answered leaving the stall on closing it behind him. Coming next to Lillian he leaned against the stall door. "They found her when they went after you. Brung her back and she's been her ever since. Lancelot and the others take her out when they can so she can get her exercise. Sometimes I do if they are away to long." Jols added stretching an arm out to to pat her mane. "She's a good horse. Well I let you two alone for a little bit. Have to run and get them somethin' to eat."

"Whats her name?" Lillian called behing her. Looking behind she tried to find Jols but he had already gone. "Oh well I will have to ask him when he gets back. That is unless you can talk." she laughed stroking the horses mane. "You really are beautiful you know that. Hair as black as the sky at midnight."

_'Midnight.' _the word stayed in her ears as she stared deeply into the horses brown orbs.

_"Here you go sweetheart." _a voice spoke. Closing her eyes she tried to concentrate on the mans words on his voice.

_"Here you go sweetheart. I told you that I would get you a horse just like mine. And a fine one she is if I say so myself." the man said helping her ontop of the horse. "Now grab the reigns tightly. Go ahead give her a trial run."_

_"I love her father. She's perfect." she called back as she raced around him in small circles coming to a stop before him. Dismounting she ran and gave him a loving hug. "She's absolutly perfect. Thank you."_

_"You are quiet welcome my little Lilly." he said laughter lit his voice._

_"I am to old to be called Lilly." She called annoyed. "I am a young woman now." she shot at him releasing from their embrace and standing very lady like._

_"Whether you be a young 13 year old lady or even thirty you will always be my little Lilly." he answered. Craddling her face in his hands he kissed her on the forehead. "Now what shall we name her?"_

"Midnight. Your name is Midnight isn't it." she cried out softly as emotions came over her. The horse neighed in recognition of its master voice. Running her fingers over the horses face she smiled with happiness. "My Midnight."

"Sorry took so long fellas." Jols called when he entered the stables with buckets of food and water. "This wont take long." he said glancing to her as he started to empty the buckets into the stalls. The horses went to eat and drink eagerly. "They act as though they've been starved." Jols laughed coming around the corner to her meeting her eyes. "Are you okay" he asked preparing to feed Lancelots horse.

"Fine. Really." she said helping him. Jols looked to her briefly half believing and half doubting her answer.

"All done." he announced once the buckets were empty and the horses fed. "Now M'lady if you would follow me I will show you to your room." he said signaling her to follow.

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"Here ya are." he said pushing aside a door. Inside lay a bed, chair, a table and a desk. Opposite the door lay a window which shed the lowering suns light into the room. Beneath it lay a small trunk. "You can find some of your old attire in the trunk."

"Excuse me?" she asked rather confused.

"By the time you left here the guys and I made you a newer set of armor. Heavier duty then your other one. Has to be if your stationed here." He laughed walking over to the trunk he opened it to reveal the still intact armor beneath its wooden dome. Reaching inside she pulled out the chest plate. The design of it clearly showed it was made for a womans stature. The metal symbol on it bore similar resemblance to those she already wore. "Your Commander refused to let you take it with you. Never really said why. Atleast not to Arthur and the others. So you left it here saying you would be back for it." He paused for a moment looking intently at her as she fingered the insignia on the armor. "I should go and tell the others you are back. Arthur requested that dinner be held with all present to celebrate your return."

She looked up to him with a fearing look in her eyes.

"It wont be like when we arrived. No mob of people asking questions, just Arthur and the others. Although I must warn you that afterwards you will be taken to the local pub where Vanora works." Jols said pulling himself to the door. "I should get going. If you need help there are knights quarters on either side of yours." he said motioning to nearby doors. "Vanora will be coming by soon to show you around a bit. Meanwhile I shall have to go. Got some duties I need to finish. Good to have you back Lillian." He said backing out the door and closing it shut behind him. Looking back down she traced the emblem with her fingers hoping to trigger a memory but none came. A knock at the bedroom door startled her from her concentration and, for a brief moment she thought not to answer but before she knew the door started to open revealing a darkened silhoutte.


	36. Handling the Truth

**I am so sorry that it took so long for me to update. I have finals coming up again and I had a major project. That and the fact that this chapter was really troublesome to write. I couldnt seem to make it right. Hope you guys like this chapter. Please R&R. Thanks. :)**

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_'Cynric trained me...and he beat me...he raped me.' _

Her words remained locked in his mind. Her face as she turned to look at him. The pain and the fear he saw in her eyes. The pain of reliving the nightmare as she spoke of it and the fear of telling it.

_'Cynric.' _the Saxons named stayed with him. _'The Saxon bastard. If I ever see him he will wish he had never been born.' _Terrible thoughts filled his mind. Thoughts of what he would do if Cynric should ever cross his path. He tried to imagine how it would feel should he run his blade through the monster of a man. The blade piercing his flesh causing his blood to spew out to the earth. Would he feel joy at slaying the man? Would he feel anything at all?

His mind wondered as the images filled his head. Of Cynrics face as one of Lancelots twin sword came down on him. Would he see fear in the mans eyes when he knew his death was iminent.

Soon her face made it back to him and cast the visions of death from his mind. Images of years ago. Of a smilng, strong woman. Who now, although still strong, remained hidden in a shell of her former self. No longer care free but fearful. The innocence in her eyes that so drew him were dimmed and all he could do was blame himself. Sitting on the hill top with clenched fists he let the anger inside him grow.

"There ya' are." a voice made its way to the darkness of his mind. Glancing up he saw Bors and Arthur heading his way. Bors was carrying a bottle of ale.

"Not now Bors." Lancelot said darkly prefering to be alone right now should he say something he would regret.

"Well arent you in a bright and cheerful mood." Bors said sarcastically as he took a seat next to the troubled knight.

"I said not now Bors." Lancelot announced once more but his statements were cast aside as the knight beside him stayed.

Arthur remained standing looking down at the troubled knight before him.

"Aww, did Lillian leave you out here?" Bors said sarcastically laughing as he spoke.

Anger hit the dark haired knights eyes. "So help me Bors." Lancelot said standing to get away.

"What did you try to do kiss her again?" The drinking knight announced laughing once more.

Instinctively the dark haired knight turn to face him. Dreading the sight of seeing two of his comrades fighting amongst themselves Arthur interjected, stepping between the two and putting a halt to Lancelots advancement.

"Bors thats enough." Arthur said looking to the shorter man.

"Come on Arthur, its just a little fun. Its not like its my fault Lillian keeps disappearin' on him." Bors said glancing over the shoulders of his roman commander to the knight behind him.

"Bors!" The voice of the Roman between them rung clear that he was not to be defied. "Go back to the pub and get yourself another drink. Go see Vanora."

"All right. I'll go." Bors said eyes still looking to Lancelot. "Atleast I know where my woman is."

"Bors! Now!." Arthur said through clenched teeth. Turning the drunken knight left the two alone.

"Lancelot you know now to pay any attention to Bors when he gets like that." Arthur said turning to the angered knight. "He lets his mouth run away with him when he starts to drink."

Lancelot didnt answer or acknowledge Arthurs announcement. Instead he ran his fingers through his hair and started to walk away.

"What's troubling you Lancelot?" Arthur asked stopping the man in his steps.

"Nothing." Lancelot said dryly slightly hanging his head.

"Really?" Arthur questioned looking to his friend. Lancelot's eyes met his in silence. "Because I think there is. You have never reacted that way before. Not to Bors and not when he's drinking. So my only conclusion is something is bothering you and, by the way you acted when he mentioned Lillian running from you, I believe that what ever is bothering you has to do with her."

Lancelot's dark brown eyes fell as he remembered what she had told him but he kept silent.

"You and have faced many battles together havent we Lancelot." Arthur said after a moments silence. Turning he faced Hadrians Wall and the graves around them. "15 years worth. For 15 years we fought side by side and won. You have always had my back and I have always had yours. I ask you my friend, brother in arms what is it that weighs so heavily on your mind that would cause you to attempt to strike out at one of your own. Let me help you with what may be our last battle together." Turning back he eyed the quietly hurting knight.

Silence spread between the two men as Arthur waited for Lancelot to speak up. To clear his mind and his concious.

"She was raped." Lancelot spat out. His face contorted as though the words had left a horrible taste in his mouth. Turning his faced the man that he fought with for so long and anger stung his eyes. Anger and rage lit his deep, brown orbs. "Those damned Saxons beat and raped her!" he shouted. The anger that held still in his eyes now laced his words.

"She told you of this?" Arthur asked taking a few steps to him. Sorrow in his eyes as he invisioned what she went through.

"Yes." Lancelot said fighting to sway the level of his voice.

"You must not blame yourself Lancelot of Lillian for this. I understand how frustrating this may be and how angry..."

"Anger." Lancelot laughed. "Anger Arthur." The laughter died and his face faded to one of fury. "Anger does not begin to discribe what I am feeling right now. I am furious. Furious with myself, the Saxons and, Lillian for the mere fact that she told me." Lancelot began to yell once more taking several steps to the Roman. "While I, we were all drinking with out a care and bedding women she was being ravaged by the Saxons. We abandoned her to them." He finished, pointing off to the distance that Saxon territory was located

"We had no reason to believe she had lived Lancelot. The fact that they kept her alive was unlike what we would normally expect from the Saxons." Arthur tried to reason.

"And is that supposed to make it all better. Is that supposed to change anything. I cant even hold her without her picturing those that raped her." Lancelot shot back.

"No its not... Nothing can or will. We cant expect her to go on with her life like the last eight years never happened." Arthur conteracted the angry Sarmatian.

"Why not?" Lancelot asked.

"Until she remembers, the last eight years are all she has. The only life she remembers having no matter how bad it was. You cannot ask her to deny it. If you do you would be asking her to live a lie and with all she's been through you cant do that to her." Arthur said approaching him and placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Then what am I supposed to do?" Lancelot asked. Looking as though he was ready to give up.

"Accept it." Arthur responded flatly. His voice filled with concern.

"Accept it?" The look of suprise at his commanders solution could not be hidden.

"You cannot change it, I cant and neither can Lillian. Life is too short Lancelot. You lost her once and once is enough. What you learned today may anger you for some time but accept it. Accept that you cannot change the past but accept that you can change the future." Arthur replied. The silence that followed showed that the knight took his words in and thought on them. "We should return my friend. Dinner will be ready." Lancelot looked to the man beside him and nodded following beside him as the turned back to the fort.

"Your right I cant change it Arthur." Lancelot said admittingly. "But may your God help any Saxon that crosses my path, for I swear they will not live to see another day." Lancelot stated flatly and without emotion. His jaw clenched as he spoke.

Looking from the knight beside him to the fort ahead Arthur kept his thoughts to himself, silently acknowledging the threats of the Sarmatian beside him.


	37. into the past

**Hello everyone. Finals are once again over and I have now been able to continue the story. Thank you to all who have reviewed. I appreciate every one I get and I would like to thank everyone who reads. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Its a little choppy but it will get better in the next chapter. Hope you like it. Thanks again and please keep reading and reviewing. Enjoy!**

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"I'm sorry love, did I frighten you?" the figure said emering from the shadows. The light from the still high sun showered through the open window and cast down upon the two. The womans red hair lit up as she walked into the light. For a brief moment Lillian didnt recognize her but as the woman came closer she remembered her as the one she met earlier with all the children. Quickly she glanced behind the woman waiting nervously for the sight of the mob of children to come bursting through the door and encircle her once more but none came. "You have nothing to worry about, the children arent here. Some of the girls down at the pub are watchin' 'em while I show you around." the woman said obviously seeing her looking around.

"Oh. Sorry." Lillian said setting the armor in her hands down beside the opened chest.

"For what love?" Vanora asked rather confused.

"Nothing." Lillian answered shrugging the moment away. "So you are going to be showing me around?" Lillian inquired rising from her position by the trunk. Its lid still open revealing all that was kept inside.

"Yeah. Arthur and the others have some business to attend to so I shall be your guide for today. Give us girls a chance to catch up." Vanora answered. "Bors and the others told us what happened to ya deary, about losin' your memory and all. My names Vanora." Lillian saw the light in her eyes slightly dim as she extended her hand out to her.

"Hello." Lillian answered solemly, taking the womans hand. "So where do we begin?"

"Well first off lets get you into some fresh clothes. I see Jols has shown you the clothes that you had left behind." Vanora said making her way to the opened trunk. Lillian stepped aside to allow her to pass. "Lets see what we have here. Been so long since we've opened this I've plum forgot whats in here." she said pulling the armor out and setting it aside. Reaching back in she saw Vanora pull out a handful of clothes. A couple of shirts, a pair of pants and a lovely dark blue dress. Laying them out neatly on the bed Vanora looked to her then to the ensemble she had collected.

"These are mine?" Lillian asked approaching the bed and lifting the dress into the air.

"You betcha they are. Why that one your holdin' right there was given to you by Lancelot. One of the more finer things he was able to afford for you and one of the last that he got you. I remember you had me help you into it and when you walked out his jaw nearly dropped to the floor. Got the whole crowds attention you did." Vanora answered with a smile. "You were recalled to your post several weeks later." Her voice hit a sad note. Even though she tried to make her voice sound cheerful Lillian still heard the sadness in it. "I think Lancelot and the others would stop dead in their tracks if they saw you in that again. What do you say. Wear that for dinner tonight?"

Biting her lip she lowered the dress and eyed it. It would be a change from what she has worn the last eight years. "I dont know Vanora." she said looking to the woman.

"Well just look at yourself." she said pushing her over to a small mirror on the wall. "Here let me hold it up. See ya look absolutely beautiful. They'll love ya." She said stepping behind her and holding the dress up infront. "If we pull your hair back a little. Let a few strands hang lose around your face. Yeah that will be nice." Vanora said. Lillian tried to invision the thought. It would be a change from the garb she had been wearing for the last eight years.

"What do you say Lillian?" Vanora asked eyeing the womans reflection.

Biting her lip she stared at her figure in the mirror. For a moment it was hard to believe that she could have owned anything such as the dress before. There was no extravagent decorations just some minor detailing with black but it was beautiful none the less. She noticed the deep hue of the blue brought out the cool blue in her eyes.

"Under one condition." she stated stepping away from the mirror and causing Vanora to lower the dress. "I am afraid I will need your help to get in this thing once more."

Vanora's face lit up with a smile. "Glad to help ya' Lillian dear." she responded joyfully.

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"This is where dinner is going to be held tonight." Vanora announced opening the door. Stepping beside her Lillian smoothed the fabric of her dress. Suprisingly it had been quicker than she had thought to get ready although she still felt naked by not being in her trousers and shirt. She felt defenseless. Hearing the womans voice she looked up. Peering inside Lillian saw a massive round table that looked to fit at least thirty people. Shuffling through the door she glanced around the large room. "Arthur thought it best to have a round table as a conference table instead of the usual rectangular one. That way all the men feel..."

"Feel equal." Lillian finished furrowing her brow as she traced the ornate designs on the top of the huge table.

"Well, yes." Vanora laughed. "How did you know?"

"There is no head of the table." Lillian stated traipsing around the circle eyeing each insignia engraved into its top.

"Well hello." A voice echoed in the large room. Looking up Lillian saw Jols had entered. "Didnt expect to see anyone in here." he laughed coming forth.

"Just showing Lillian around. Perhaps jog a memory or two." Vanora said hugging the man.

"Having fun there Lillian?" Jols asked looking to her. A look of suprise shook his face. "Well I never thought I would see anyone wearing that dress again." Jols added. "Better be careful, Lancelot may be knocked off his rocker once he sees you in that."

_'Lancelot.'_ Her mind quickly wondered back to the happening earlier that day. _'I doubt Lancelot would want to see me at all today.' _Frustration hit her as she thought of the dark haired knight.

_"Take this." she said wrapping the necklace around his neck. "May it protect you as it always did me until we meet again. I know, I know, me and my silly superstitions. I have worn this in every fight, every battle and I have always lived to see the next." She felt strong, loving arms embrace her and pull her close._

_"Lillian." A voice called from behind._

"Lillian." Vanora called bring the woman back to reality. "We'll have to catch up with ya later Jols. Still got plently to see before dinner. Come on Lillian. I am afraid I will have to stop in at the pub before we continue on. Have to make sure my kids havent torn up the place."

Nodding Lillian followed after the red haired woman, the vision still clear in her mind. The necklace etched in her mind. She had seen it before. The design that was enlayed upon it. _"Lancelot."_ she thought to herself. The necklace she saw in her vision was the same she had seen around Lancelots neck. Her necklace.

"Just to warn you, there are Roman soldiers there and they tend to get 'friendly' with the women. Stick close love and Vanora wont let anything happen to you." Vanora said proudly glancing to the woman beside her. Lillian faked a tiny smile to please her.

"Do you think any of the men will be there?" Lillian asked softly.

"More then likely." Vanora answered leading her out through a corridor into the open air. "Come on this way." Vanora said pointing in the direction they were to take. Following closely behind the duo made their way through the crowd of civilians and soldiers to the infamous pub. At several tables Lillian swore she saw multiple men baring the red capes and the crests of Roman officers. on the opposite side she saw several familiar men.


	38. secret worries

**Hello everyone. I am sooooo sorry I havent been able to update. I have been writing for it but I went on vacation from school and my parents house didnt have internet. I tried to write a page at one sitting but it never worked so pages to follow were written over a week which you could probably see when reading but I hope you like them. So once again I apologize and to make up for it I will post all the chapters I have written thus far, with one underway. I hope you enjoy them and thank you for your patience. Thank you to all who read and to all who review. Please continue.**

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"Drink up." Bors shouted handing another pitcher to Dagonet. "To our freedom." he said raising his glass high. The others did like wise. Dagonet passed on another cup and sat there, taking a quick look under the bandage covering one of his wounds. Her hand shot to her arm and she pulled the clothe away from her skin and looked at the mark left behind by the still healing wound. She had to admit, whatever had been done or used had worked, it had not bothered her very much since she received it.

"To our freedom." they all shouted in unison before drinking down the liquid that filled their glasses. They did not take notice of the two women approaching them at first for they were enjoying the festivities.

"And a freedom well deserved." Vanora announced over the shouting men, causing several to look at her. As Vanora quickened her pace to the men, Lillian found herself slowing hers. Suddenly she felt ackward dressed up as she was, especially infront of the knights. Why she wasnt sure but akward she felt none the less. Looking around she tried to find a robe or a clothe of some sort to pull over her but none was within sight or reach. _'Oh well.' _she thought to herself sighing in despair. Standing up straight she made her way after Vanora.

"Here. Here." the men agreed raising their drinks once more before taking a long drink of the overflowing ale.

"And where shall you men be spending your years of freedom?" a voice spoke up nervously. Hands in front of her she made her way slowly to the group.

"Well, for starters..." Gawain began to say turning from where he sat in order to answer her but stopped midsentence when she came into view. The others eyed her with shocked expressions on their faces which turned into smiles. Over the brim of his glass Galahad saw her and choked slightly on the ale he was swallowing, causing it to spray off to the sides. Both Dagonet and Tristan tried to jump far enough out of the way so that the would not be caught in the crossfire. She felt her cheeks flush ever so slightly at the mens reactions, and Galahads made her chuckle sending her hand instintely to her face in a vain attempt to hide her laughter. Dropping her hand only when she saw others joing in on the hilarity of the moment.

"Well, I was going to ask all of ya what you thought of her in that there dress but, assuming from your reactions I dont need to." Vanora said patting Galahad on the shoulders as he tried to clean himself up. "Looks gorgeous doesnt she?"

"We havent seen that on anyone in a long while." Bors answered making his way to Lillian, his hand draped across his torso. Reaching her she tried to hold onto him to help steady him but he shrugged her outstretched arm away and insteadheldher hands. "Do not worry I am fine."

"Mind if Lillian here joins you lads for a drink while I go and check on the kids?" Vanora said stepping to give Bors a kiss. "Go ahead love take a seat." she said signaling Lillian to sit amongst the men. "I will be back soon." With that the firey haired woman left the group.

"Lancelot will adore you when he sees how you look in this dress." Dagonet whispered softly so that only she could hear.

A small painful smile lit her face as she tried to hide the feelings she felt. _'I am not so sure about thatDagonet.' _she thought to herself as she looked into his eyes.

"Come on Lillian have a seat." Galahad announced aloud drawing her attention.

"Care for a drink?" Gawain asked motioning for a bar maid to bring another round to the table before Lillian could muster an answer. Dagonet led her to an empty seat between himself and Galahad and all rose waiting for her to sit. For a moment she paused at the courtesy for it was all still quite new.

"No really. I shouldn't." she tried to say sitting down as the cup was placed before her.

"Nonsense." Bors shouted obviously drunk. "Drink up lassy. Its your celebration as well."

"I thought the celebration was to be tonight after dinner?" Lillian asked rather confused side glancing to Dagonet.

"Technically speaking, it is." Galahad answered leaning forward.

"Doesn't mean we cant get an early start on it though." Bors said loudly shoving the overflowing cup to his face.

Pulling the drink that had been placed before her closer Lillian looked around the table until her eyes landed upon Gawain. His long reddish blonde hair hung loosely around his head and draped over his shoulders.

"Go on Gawain." Lillian finally asked focusing her attention on the men at the table and trying to ignore the drunken Romans on the other side of the bar, who had recently become louder as several barmaids came near them. "Finish telling your answer. Where shall you go now that your freedom has been granted?"

Placing his mug down he looked to her and the others, briefly contemplating his answer. "Well, like I was about to say, some of us shall remain here once the Romans depart from this land. Others, like myself, shall attempt the journey back home to Sarmatia. It has been long since I have seen the green slopes of home or seen my family. It will be good to go home and live in peace after all this war."

"Home to Sarmatia?" Lillian pondered. Her eyebrows lowered slightly as she struggled to recall the look of Sarmatia. The land and its people but no such images came to mind. "I wish I could remember it." she said sadly taking a long drink. The liquid coursed down her throat sending a warm sensation throughout her body. Setting the cup down she saw that she had nearly drank the entire thing.

"Now dont feel to bad Lillian. We hardly remember it either. Atleast I dont." Galahad responded hoping that his admittance would in some way cheer the woman up.

Before long the group was laughing and remeniscing, trying to fill Lillian in on her life with them. Hoping to open a closed door. Drink after drink they tried but no memories emerged.

"You know, if all of you are to leave, whether it be home to Sarmatia or off to someother land, it makes me wonder where I shall go." she said looking down into her empty glass. Looking back up after a moments pause she tried to locate a nearby barmaid. Once in sight she signaled for another drink.

"Probably where ever Lancelot heads off to." Gawain answered not thinking.

"Really. And what makes you so sure I would want to go with him!" Lillian shouted. From the look on the mens face she had caught them off guard.

"I think you have had enough to drink." Dagonet stated quickly pushing her newly filled cup away from her.

"No. I have not had enough." she said reaching for the cup but her reach was no match for the taller mans. "You dont get it do you. Any of you? You automatically expect me to go off with Lancelot where ever he goes but you know what." Her voice rose as she stood from the table to look at all the knights. "Maybe I dont want to. Maybe I dont want the life you all said that I had. Maybe I dont want it...Maybe...Maybe I..." she cried sinking to the ground at a nearby post.

"Lillian?" Dagonet whispered knealing down beside her. Suprise still in his eyes and on his face at what had just accured. His eyes spoke all his unasked questions.

Looking up she glanced passed him to the others. They looked to one another not sure of how to act. Bringing her eyes slowly back to the man before her she looked deeply into his. "I told him." she cried softly. "I told him after the incident with Vanora when we arrived and I have not seen him since. He was so mad at me." she cried sinking into his arms.

"Shhh." Dagonet said placing a hand on her head. "Everything will be fine." he said quietly glancing to the men behind him. "Bors see whats taking Vanora so long."

Before long the fatter drunken knight returned with the missing woman in tow.

"Sorry 'bout that lads, once you get Sarah talkin' its hard to get her to stop." Vanora said laughing but was stopped short at the sight of the sunken woman.

"Vanora take her in the back and clean her up." Dagonet said helping her to her feet and handing her to the red haired womans care.

"Whats wrong love?" she asked quietly pulling the dark hair from her face.

"I'd rather not talk about it right now." Lillian stated flatly. Vanora nodded silently and led the woman off. Leaving the dazed and confused knights behind.

"What was that all about?" Bors asked, his question directed mainly to Dagonet. "Dag?"

The tall knight waited for the women to disappear from view before he turned to face the men.


	39. confessions with vanora

"Well aren't you a sight to see." Vanora said leading Lillian to one of the back rooms. "Sarah fetch me a bowl of water and a wash clothe please." Vanora shouted to a barmaid that sat in the room. Setting Lillian down on a clean area of the table she cleared the hair from the womans face.

The small, blonde haired woman did as she was asked. "This is the cleanest one that we got Vanora." she said bringing the requested supplies. Her voice was soft and and shy when she spoke. Her green eyes looked to the two women curiously. "Lillian right?" she asked as her eyes focused on the darker haired of the two.

Pulling her gaze to meet the smaller woman she answered. "Yeah." Lillian spoke, shuffling slightly where she sat. "I am sorry, do I know you?"

"Oh no M'Lady." Sarah assured. "I am afraid not. You see I arrived several years after you. Vanora and the others told me about ya. Hope ya dont mind." she added handing the water and clothe to the red haired woman. "Amazing thought isnt it. You being alive. Word spreads fast around here lately I am afraid. Perhaps you could sit down and tell us a story or two?"

Although the woman made a gallant effort to be accomodating and polite Lillian remained silent.

"Sarah be a dear and leave us for a few moments would ya." Vanora said placing the bowl and clothe on the table next to Lillian. "Dont mean to be rude or anything."

"No problem Vanora. I got some tables to clean up anyways. It was nice meeting you Lillian." Sarah responded taking her leave. The commotion of the outside world made its way briefly into the room as she opened the door to leave and was soon shut out again as the door came to a close behind her.

"Now, you feel like telling me what happened out there?" Vanora asked ringing the towel out and placing it to the womans head.

"Nothing happened." Lillian said bitterly holding the towel in place.

"Really." Vanora looked to her not believing her answer.

"Sarah, she been here long?" Lillian asked trying to change the subject at hand.

"About five years I think. Nicer then the rest. Some of whom wont be happy knowin' your back." Vanora answered seeing what Lillian was attempting to do."Some of the ladies out there have a soft spot for the knights. Some for Lancelot. But for some reason I do not feel like that is what is troubling you."

"Really? And just what do you think is the matter with me?" Lillian spat. "Since everyone seems to know me so well." Lillian added her voice laced with bitterness and frustration.

The womans eyes were kind and unjudging as she stared at her long lost friend. Or at least what remained of her in the woman before her. "Looks to me like you got a little carried away with your drinkin'. You never were much of a drinker. One maybe two drinks at the most."

"I wasnt drunk." Lillian stated flatly bringing the clothe that shielded her eyes away so that she could see into the womans eyes as she spoke. "I wasnt drunk."

"Then what happened deary?" Vanora asked fixing the womans hair. Her voice soft and caring and Lillians could see the yearning to understand in her eyes. How much the woman wanted to be of help to her, and all she had to do was speak.

"They talked of their freedom. Of where they would go." Lillian spoke up fingering the clothe in her hands. Looking down she wrapped it around her fingers repeatedly. "For crying out loud, I dont know where I should or even could go or who would take me in. I wondered what would happen to me once they were all gone. They said 'where ever Lancelot would go'." she tried to immatate the long haired knights voice as she spoke. "I have had my life lived for me for the last eight years. Been told were to go and what to do. I dont want that anymore." Her voice now her own with sadness in her tone.

"Are you sayin' you dont want to go with Lancelot when they all leave?" Vanora abruptly stopped and faced the woman causing her to look up. The look in her eyes unchanging as she awaited the answer regardless of what it may hold.

"No thats not what I am saying." Lillian shot out defensively without thinking. "In fact I think if it came down to it I would go with them. With him. Its just..." she answered quietly. "Its just they all expect things to go back to the way they were before my time with the Saxons. It cant. Not like that. Not so easily. They just cant expect that of me. Its as though I have no say in what I do. I know thats not their intention but it is how I feel. I am so tired of it all." She added the tears starting to brim her eyes once more. "I am just so tired."

Her eyes fell from the womans stare and she lifted a hand to dry them laughing as she did it. Vanora stared at her curiously. Bringing her eyes back to the womans she saw the confusion in her eyes.

"Atleast your laughing I suppose." Vanora said unsure in her words.

"On the outside yeah, I guess I am." Lillian answered as her smile slowly began to fade.

"And on the inside?" Vanora asked taking the womans hand in her own and taking a seat next to her.

"It hurts because I cant be who they want me to be. Not because I cant remember, but because, even if I do remember, things will still be different between us all." Lillian said quietly looking at the door leading to the outside world. To the drunken Romans and the confused Sarmatians. "There are things they could never understand. Never accept. I thought for a brief moment they could. I opened up and told two of them on my past with the Saxons. One on accident, one intentionaly. I told them what I went through like he had asked and.. he became so angry. So angry." her heart ached as she spoke to her and she drew her eyes to the woman beside her. "One felt sadness but he forgave me. He understood how difficult an adjustment this would, that like it or not the Saxons would always be with me. The other, the one who I wanted to understand more than anyother pushed me away and now I dont know what to do."

Her voice faded away and noise from the outside came through to their darkened room once more.

"Give him time love. Lancelot will come around." Vanora spoke up breaking the silence between them. Bringing an arm up she stroked the womans hair gently. "He just needs time."

"How did you..." Lillian asked curioiusly.

"Call it womans intuition." Vanora answered before she could finish her question. "What ever you told him must have hurt but what hurts him more is that he wasnt able to help you. He blames himself Lillian. Dont let your past sorrows prevent you from having the joyous future you deserve. Like it or not Lillian, if you decide to tell everyone what has been troubling you, yes there will be those who get upset, who get mad, but it is not with you." Vanora said placing several loose strands of hair behind her ears. "But, one thing I know is, if you tell all what has happened, you will feel better about it. They will begin to understand and all will be better for it in the end." The woman added quietly embracing the woman at the shoulders. "Now come on. We got a dinner to go to." Vanora added smiling hoping to soothe the womans fears.

Rising from her position on the table Lillian attempted to straighten the creases in her dress. Meanwhile Vanora disposed of the used water and fixed herself up.

"Come on deary lets get going." Grabbing the woman gently by the hand she led her to the door and pulled it back revealing the sight that, for a brief moment, Lillian had forgotten it hid. Taking a deep breath she allowed the firey haired woman to lead her back to the table but she stopped short when she saw the new arrivals.


	40. telling the others

"Your not gonna sit there all night and not answer are ya? Come on Dag." Bors prodded the taller knight as he made his way back to his chair. Placing his hands to his head he messaged his shaven hair.

"Not now Bors." he answered calmly, hoping the half drunken man would let it go.

"You know people have been tellin' me that ever since we got back and its startin' to bug the hell out of me. Get outta here." he snapped, shooing away a petite young hand maid who had found a seat on Gawain's lap.

"Hey!" Gawain muttered as the slim blonde walked away glancing fondly over her shoulder.

"Calm down Bors and have another drink." Tristan mumbled fixing some of the ties that lined his wrist bands. "After all, the only time we get any silence around here is when you have a cup in your face." Tristan added, through the hair that draped around his face they could all see a small trace of a grin as he spoke.

"Why I outta..." Bors retaliated but was stopped short as Gawain placed a hand on his forearm.

"Tristan's right Bors. Let is be, enjoy the celebration my friend. Whatever's going on is none of our business." Gawain laughed at the sight of the hot headed Bors.

"And what might that be?" A rough voice spoke up drawing the attention of all those seated at the table. The bearer of the voice stepped into view with the silhoutte of another beside him. "What is none of your business?" Arthur asked placing a hand on Lancelots shoulder and signaling for him to take a seat. "Feeling better my friend?" Arthur asked taking a seat beside Dagonet and Galahad.

"Much better Arthur. A little sore but all in all I am feeling rather well." Dagonet answered, glad that the subject had been changed, although the relief the gentle giant felt was soon to be lost once more do to the rantings of the drunken Bors.

"That is good to hear. Good to hear." Arthur said placing a hand on the mans shoulder.

"Well, well, well, by the look of all of these empty glasses I would say you are having a hell of a celebration." Lancelot spoke up glancing to the cups that cluttered the table. Taking a seat across from Arthur he signaled for another round. Immediately a woman headed their way with new pitchers in hand. "Got a little carried away with your drinking again huh Bors." Lancelot laughed as the woman set the fresh set of drinks on the table and proceeded to clean off the empty ones that littered it.

"How I wish I could take credit for all these drinks, and to still be standing, but not all of them are mine." Bors replied. "In fact that little set in front of you was washed down by none other than Lillian." He added laughing. "Should have seen her after a couple of those." He nudged Gawain to get him to laugh but he sat their silently, unsure of how to act towards the delicate situation of Lillian.

"Lillian was here?" Lancelot asked, rather suprised at the discovery. The drink that he was bringing to his lips he now quickly placed to the table top once more.

"Yep. Gave me a run for my money to. Though I think the beer got to her in the end." Bors chuckled leaning slightly back in his chair.

"What do you mean it got to her in the end? What happened?" Lancelot asked rather concerned as he took a second glance to the empty cups before him. "Is she okay?" An arm on the table the dark knight leaned forward to get a better view of the lot of them, seeing who would answer.

"The old gals just fine. Vanora's got here. Took her in the back there to go get cleaned up. "Bors answered pointing to the far off door the two women had went through moments before his arrival. "What a mess too." Bors looked to the others to colaberate his story but none answered.

"Bors." Dagonet whispered trying to get the man to stop talking but his words went unheard as he continued on his drunken spill.

"Starting rantin' and ravin' about someone being angry with her and such." Bors continued on with his story as though Bors had never spoken.

"It wasn't that bad." Galahad spoke up glancing to Arthur and Lancelot in an effort to do some damage control on the situation at hand. "She just got a little carried away thats all."

"By the way she talked to Dag I was sure he knew what was goin' on." Bors finished finding a cup still full of ale on the table and bringing it to his mouth. "Right Dag."

"Dagonet what is he talking about? Ranting and raving about what?" Lancelot turned his attention to the bigger knight beside him. All Dagonet could do was keep his eyes on Bors, kicking himself for letting him spill as much information as he did. He knew Lillian would not be pleased with how this situation was going.

"I am afraid you already know what he is talking about Lancelot. From what I got from her, Lillian had told you earlier this day." Dagonet answered quietly biting his tongue with every word he spoke.

Only for a brief moment did Lancelot not understand what Dagonet was speaking of, then it donned on him and his heart jumped.

"You knew. You knew before me!" Lancelot demanded, his voise raising with the anger he had felt earlier that day. Rising to confront the man beside him. "You knew and you didnt tell me!"

Instinctively Arthur rose and stepped between the two men dreading the thought of two of his knights going at one another on what was to be a happy occasion. "Lancelot sit down... Now!" Arthur spoke. His voice commanding. Relunctantely the dark knight obeyed although the fire inside him still raged on. "Speak of this now if you must but, do not attract much attention to yourselves." Arthur added surveying the area around them. The commontion had caused several onlookers, Roman military men, to look at them. After a moments pause Arthur made his way back to his seat and those that watched went back to their own business.

"Yes I knew of what happened to her but she did not tell me directly. I overheard her talking to the woad woman we brought back with us. I did not tell you because it was not my place to." Dagonet answered quietly. After speaking he managed to bring his eyes to that of the infuriated man near him. "When I told her that I knew I saw the look in her eyes, the same look I am sure you saw, if not more so. I urged her to tell you Lancelot so that you may get to understand."

"What? What happened to her?" Galahad asked curiously. After listening to the discussion of the two men he too began to wonder what was bothering them all.

Silence overhung the group and Galahads question remained hanging in the air. Dagonet, Arthur and Lancelot all sat silently contemplating what they should disclose. Lancelot took another drink hoping to forget and Dagonet sat their motionless.

"She was raped." Arthur answered quietly, regretting the decision as soon as he let the words slip through his lips.


	41. A moment to think

**Sorry for the shortness of this chapter but the following one will make up for it when I post it in the next day or two. Hope you enjoy and please continue to review. **

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None of the men saw their empending arrival. She noticed the group quieting as they spoke, making sure others, except for those at the table, could not hear. For a brief moment she saw Lancelot rise and face Dagonet and confusion struck her. Why would he approach a fellow knight like that. What could they be discussing to cause such a reaction.

"Wonder whats got them looking so seriously." Vanora whispered as they approached, "Look Lancelot and Arthur are there. Come on, we'll suprise them." Vanora added with a smile as she began pushing their path to the right so that they were not seen. "They wont expect us coming this was. Wont they be happy to see you in that dress of yours. Come on deary." she added grabbing the womans hand and pulling her alongside her.

"I dont know." Lillian added curisously as she stared at the group of men. Slowing their pace they made their way closer to the table where the men sat so not to make a sound. The mood surrounding them that was once happy and lively was now somber. As they approached their voices, that were once indistinct, became clearer.

"She was raped." Arthur announced to the group . Loud enough for those at the table to hear and loud enough for them but no others happened to hear what the Roman had uttered. In her mind she thought he had screamed it for all and all faces, at least those she could see came to a halt. Smiles faded and serious looks took their place.

_'She was raped.' _The sound of his voice speaking those words aloud made her heart stop. Reaching a hand to the pillar they had hidden behind she sought to steady herself as her body began to shake and her breathing came in shorter bursts.

Vanora, who had not noticed what the woman beside her was experiencing, spoke up on what they had just heard. "Someone was raped? Poor child. I wonder who they are speaking of. Such a dreadful thing though." Finally turning to the dark haired woman she saw her, wide eyed and as pale as the moon. "Lillian? Whats wrong?"

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"You're kidding us right. Arthur?" Galahad asked laughing, but the look on his face fell as he saw the stern eyed face of his commander. "You have got to be mistaken." He added leaning closer to the Roman commander.

"No, I am afraid not Galahad. We found out what had happened to her only shortly after we arrived at the wall." Arthur announced quietly his eyes turning to Lancelot who had remained quiet as the others spoke. The young knight still clung to the the cup of ale that lay before him, his eyes stuck steadly to the table before him not wanting to see the looks the others bore. Hearing her tale once was enough and now he was forced to sit and hear it again only made him that more angry with the unseen Saxons.

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"I have to go now. I have to leave." Lillian whispered, her eyes looking passed the woman before her to a dying flame on the table where the men sat. Turning she started to leave but was followed. "I have to go."

"Whats wrong Lillian? The tour isnt even over yet love." Vanora spoke up, though her voice was still low so few could hear.

"I am sorry, you have been very kind to me and I am thankful, but I have to go. I have to..." Lillian answered not looking back.

"I'll go with you dear." Vanora added quickening her pace.

"No." Lillian refutted turning to face the following woman. "Please. I just need a moment to think." Lillian pleaded looking into her eyes, hoping the woman would stay.

"Your starting to worry me Lillian." she spoke, her voice drawing the attention of several Roman men near them. Lillian noticed how their eyes coveted the women. Looking them up and down, their stare caused Lillian to feel a chill run through her. The look in their eyes reminded her all to much of Cynric and her wanting to leave became even greater. "Come on, let us go say hello to the men. They'll all be wanting to know how your doin'." Vanora spoke up drawing the womans attention back to her.

Again she felt the urge to run away, the urge to scream. To do that which she had feared to do for eight years, confront the men around her.

_'She was raped.'_ He had told the others. He had revealed what she had hoped to keep hidden, but how had he known. Looking back she saw the Sarmatian knights still frinking and talking with their commander, evidence that they had not heard the two womens approach or near departure. Bringing her eyes back to Vanora she saw the kindness in her eyes and the desire to help and it pained to her to not be able to accept it. Not now.

Back stepping away from the woman she kept her eyes locked on hers. "I am sorry." she said. Speaking so softly that the the gentle woman before her hardly heard her. Grabbing hold of the bottom of the dress she turned and walked away quickly, leaving the confusing woman behind. Once inside the the room her and Vanora had just left she closed the door tightly behind her, biting her lip to avoid screaming.

_'Just breathe.' _she thought to herself, sliding along the wall to a corner. _'Its not that bad. You are going to take a few breaths, go back out there and confront them civilly. Besides you wanted them to know anyways. Right?' _

"Lillian!" a voice boomed from behind the door. A voice she new all to well. She watched as the door began to slowly creep open and once again the sound of the outside drifted in.


	42. Trying to Reason

**I hope you guys like this chapter. I ended up rewriting it a few times and this is what I ended up with. I hope you like it. Let me know what you all think. Please R & R and thank you to all that do. I will update again within the next day or two.**

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"Lilliian." the voice announced once more as the door opened and the man entered. The setting sun cast an orange glow over him and caused his shadow to stretch across the floor. His voice was now lower and less urgent in its demeanor. Without looking he closed the door behind him, shutting out the orange glow. Stepping farther into the room he looked to his surrounding hoping to catch sight of her.

"You told him, didnt you." she announced before he had a change to lay his eyes upon her. Her words more of a factual statement then a question. "That is how he knew, how he was able to tell the others." she stated flatly, now emotion was held in her voice. There were no tears in her eyes, nothing. Only a blank stare when he turned to face her.

"Stay where you are." she said as the knight attempted to come closer to her. The Saxon within her started to emerge as she spoke.

"You were not supposed to hear that." Lancelot answered as he stopped in his tracks.

"Really?" she scoffed at the dark haired Sarmatian. "Apparently there have been many things I was not to have overheard in the time I have been in your company." She stated as her voice started to rise with frustration, and even anger, filling her words. Her eyes stared deep into his. "What happened to me was not for him to share. Or you. It was to be my choice to tell the others!" she shouted at him rising from where she sat.

"I told him because I needed someone to confide in. Someone to talk about this with." Lancelot answered trying to reason with her.

"But you couldnt talk to me." She shot back, if not for the music outside she was sure they could have been heard.

"Your one to talk. You couldnt talk to me before you decided to tell Dagonet!" He yelled back at her catching her by suprise. Bringing a hand up he ran his finger through his hair in frustration.

"Atleast Dagonet kept his mouth shut on the subject." She replied bitterly. "He didnt push me away! Atleast he accepted it!" she shouted back at the man before her. She saw that her words hit him hard because for a brief moment he broke their stare. Suddenly she feld a surge of guilt at wanting to hurt the man before her. Biting her tongue she fought the urge to shout at him further. Breathing deeply she tried to calm her emotions and dull the rage within her. Thinking long and hard she thought on what else she should say and how she should say it.

"I have heard many things since I joined your party Lancelot, many things. Things that some couldnt possibly believe if they were to be in my shoes." she spoke softly, her tone compassionate as she spoke to the dark haired knight. Although his eyes did not meet hers she knew he could hear her, she knew he was listening. Shouting would get them no where, but perhaps talking would. "With time I had come to accept them all. I accepted all that I was told about the life I had with all of you here at this wall. Even though it pained me to see the look in all of you eyes when you would see me I stayed and I tried to understand it all." Her words caused him to bring his eyes to hers as she spoke. "I accepted it all and I have tried to understand it Lancelot. Why cant you accept what I told you?"

"This isnt like what we have told you." Lancelot stated, anger still hung slightly in his voice. Turning the dark knight sat down upon the nearby table, the burden in his eyes and in his heart seemed to grow even heavier as she had spoken. His eyes falling to the floor between them. "What do you want me to do? What should I do?" he asked gravely.

"Accept what I told you. Accept me as I am now and..." her voice cracked as she started to speak. "love me" she finished whispering.

Looking up at the sound of those words he met her gaze and he saw the sadness in her blue eyes. The look in his eyes caused her to drop her head, awaiting for his response. Feeling as helpless as she had felt so many times within Saxon hands. Pulling himself upright slowly his made his way to the sullen woman. His eyes looking her up and down. In the heat of the moment he had not noticed the ensemble she now wore. Instantly visions filled his head of the day he had gotten it for her. The smile on her face as she opened her gift and saw the blue dress inside. He had taken Vanora along to help him choose it out. Time with the Saxons had taken its toll for, the dress that once fit her perfectly, was now a bit too big for her now smaller frame.

_'You cannot change the past...You can change the future. Accept it Lancelot.' _Arthurs words echoed in his ears. He watched her shuffle slightly where she stood, the tension of waiting for him to answer was getting to her.

Reaching out he stroked the soft skin of her cheek, gently lifting her head up so she might look into his eyes. Although he held her chin up high her eyes followed only after a moments hesitation.

After a moment he sighed and started to speak. "You are right." he finally spoke up, his voice no softer and no longer bore the anger it had been laced with before. "You..." he stopped looking deeply into her eyes. "I love you, do not doubt that. Nothing you could ever tell me would change that. I would never hurt you like that Lillian. Nor will I ever let anyone hurt you like that again. I swear it." he added earnestly. Brushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear, he saw a small smile light up her eyes. For what seemed like an eternity the two remained silent. The only thing breaking the silence between them was the soft melody from the outside.

"May I have this dance?" Lancelot asked as the music drifted around them. The gap between them started to grow smaller and smaller as he wrapped his arms around her waist and clasped her hand the two began to move. Her blue eyes not leaving his, she followed his lead for a time as he lead them dancing across the wooden floor.

Dropping he gaze for only a moment her eyes locked onto the necklace that hung around his neck. With the hand that lay on his shoulder she picked it up and traced the emblem that lay engraved in its surface.

"Silly superstitions." she laughed softly to herself.

"What did you say?" Lancelot asked taken back by the words she spoke. She saw the hope in his eyes, hope that perhaps, just perhaps she remembered something.

"Nothin really. Just something I thought I saw today. It was nothing." she answered letting the neacklace fall back down upon his chest.

"Do you think the others will look at me differently now that they know?" Lillian asked quietly. Dreading what the answer may be.

"Arthur may still be talking to them. Vanora showed up after you left, she told us what you two over heard and that is how I knew you were there. I will not lie to you, some are still in disbelief at the news. Some may act a little awkward for a short time as I did but things should turn out fine the end." He answered trying to calm the situation.

"Lancelot?" she asked after a moments pause.

"Yes?" he asked bringing his eyes to hers.

Staring up into his dark brown eyes she froze. "Nothing." she answered. Placing her head softly on his strong shoulder he held her tighter to him, slowing their pace. Holding her closly she closed her eyes and, feeling safe in his arms once more, she smiled.

_'I love you Lancelot.' _she thought to herself hoping that one day she could find the courage to tell him openly.


	43. a suprising question

**I hope you all enjoy this chapter. I skipped then dinner scene hope you dont mind. Please continue to R&R I really appreciate it. Thanks again and I hope you enjoy.**

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"Dinner was delicious."Lillian sighed joyfully as he held her hand in his as they walked along the wall. The sun had set while they had been at dinner and now the dark sky was dotted with stars that twinkled brightly as though to say hello to the two. The moon hung high above them, casting its shadow down on all in its path. Looking around her she watched as children hurried home, laughing as they went. Reaching out she placed her free hand on the bricks that lined the enormous wall, tracing them as she went. Looking over she looked in the warm, welcoming eyes of the man beside her. "I reallt had a fun time." His face smiled back but his eyes did not agree.

"Lancelot is there something troubling you? You have been awfully quiet since dinner ended." Lillian asked slowing their pace till they came to a stop. Turning ever slightly she faced him. "Was it something Arthur said?" she added curiously. Looking taken back by the question the knight fidgeted slightly. "I am sorry. I didnt mean to pry, your business is your own after all. I just noticed that part way through the celebration dinner you and Arthur went off on your own for a while. I just figured something was said." she said trying to reason her questioning of the situation.

"There is no need to apologize. No. I assure you it was nothing that Arthur said." Lancelot managed to smile, this time the look faded into his eyes. "I was just thinking and Arthur lended an ear. Helped me to work some things out."

"What were you thinking about?" she enquired. A gust of wind raced through her hair, lifting it from her shoulders and back as it danced in the breeze. Bringing her hands up she sought to tame the dark strands that whipped around her.

"What I shall do now that I am free of Rome." Lancelot answered shuffling them farthur to the bricks that lined the wall so that a Roman guard could pass. Leaning forward on his arms he faced the world outside the wall. The lands that the wall cut off from them.

In her heart she felt a twinge of uncertainty for her own future. "And what have you decided to do?" she asked softly, leaning back against the wall so that she faced the village behind it.

"This wall has been my home for 15 years now Lillian. 15 years of war, of losing those close to me. I can hardly remember the life before this. I was a child when I came, we all were but now, now we are grown men. Men who have killed others, there are nightmares here that I hope I shall one day forget." Lancelot said quietly.

"Believe me when I say this, you do not want to forget those you have lost. Those that cared for you. There is no life worth living if you have to forget them, this place, this life. It makes you who you are." she spoke up earnestly. "Take it from someone with experience." she added. A forced smile came to her face. "So I ask you again, what do you want to do now that you are free from Rome?"

Taking a moment he closed his eyes and tried to see the future he longed for. Green grass, blue sky was all that came at first when he heard the last reminents of children laughter from down below. "I hope to find some measure of peace with my remaining years. Leave these many years of war behind me. Take a wife I suppose, have children." Lancelot murmured, his eyes still looking to the world outside. To the freedom that long awaited him.

"You suppose?" Lillian asked curiously, eyeing the man beside her. "Do you not wish to have someone to share your life with. To have your sons?" trying hard to make her voice sound cheerful so that it may lighten the knights somber mood.

Tearing his eyes from the world beyond he looked to figure of the woman beside him. Remembering the conversation with Arthur his mood lightened and, seeing his oppurtunity he decided to have some fun.

"Well it all depends on if I find the right woman or not." he announced, a sly grin lighting his face. '_How beautiful she looks.' _he thought as the light of the moon cast down upon her. Like an unwordly angel. If someone would have approached him to tell him how he would care for her now he would not have believed them. Yes she bore new scares and yes she had new fears but, when he looked to her, she was still Lillian and that was all that mattered to him now. "When I find her I would settle down with her, marry her, have sons. Hopefully they would be as strong as I. Daughters, I believe I would like to have a daughter, with the beauty of her mother. I would live where ever she wanted to settle down at. Anywhere, as long as we're happy together." He added straightening his posture so that he now stood towering over her. "And what would your plans be?" he asked, the sly grin still evident on his face as he tried vainly to sound sincere in his question.

Noticing the underlying tone of his voice and the look in his eyes she thought him to be joking. That he was hidding something from her, something to get him to act so.

"Well..." she finally managed to answer after a moment to think. Taking her eyes briefly away from the Sarmatian before her. _'You wish to play do you. Very well. Lets play.' _she thought. "I would like to live some place out there that I could call home. Some place to raise children."

"And what of a husband?" he asked, rather amused at her response.

"I dont know. Like you I guess." Looking to the night sky as she spoke, she thought of what else she could say. "Well...I guess I could see myself with a man who is tall, dark and handsome. You know, the kind of man that is every girls dream." she sighed smiling. Out of the corner of her eye she him place his broad shoulders further back and she noticed him standing up straighteras she spoke. Muffling a laugh she thought of what else to say. "Perhaps...perhaps someone in the military, somone strong."

With every word she spoke the smile that lined his face grew wider.

_'Now its my turn.' _she thought as she struggeled not to smile.

"Do me a favor Lancelot. If you find anyone fitting that discription would you mind sending him my way." she added innocently, hoping to give him a taste of his own medicine. Rising she proceeded to walk away, leaving the stunned knight behind, but not until she saw the look on his face drop. Rather pleased at his reaction she started to leave but was stopped short as a strong hand grabbed her arm, causing her to spin back around. Placing his hands on her shoulders he ran his fingers down to hers until he held them gently in his own. Now facing the outside world she looked up to the knight. His brown eyes piercing hers.

"So..." he asked quietly as he cleared his throat. Taking a moment to gather his thoughts he looked down then back to her. "Where shall we raise our children?" he finished taking a moment to brush stray hair behind her ears. Her heart jumped as he said the words and she found herself unable to speak for several seconds.

"Excuse me?" she asked trying to find her voice.

"Where shall we raise our children?" he stated again laughing lightly at her reaction.

"Is that a proposal sir knight?" she finally managed to ask, the suprise she felt lacing her voice.

"I guess it is." He answered lowering his eyes from her stare, laughing as he looked to their intertwined hands. "We can take it as slow as you like. As slow as you need." he added hoping not to scare her away. He saw as her eyes started to wonder around them as if the answer she serached for lay hidden around them. The smile that he saw start to appear on her face began to fade just as quickly.

Curiousity hung with her as her eyes tried to peer through the darkness until the large mass started to become clearer. The pale light of the moon lit them up and only then did her curiousity change to fear as a chill raced up her spine.


	44. we always have choices

**Hello again everyone. Thanks again for all of the reviews. I hope you like this chapter. It was hard to figure out how I wanted to play it out to get it to get it to fit into future chapters but I figured it out and here you go. Its a little choppy but it works. I hope you like it. Please keep up with the reviews. Thank you to everyone who reads and to everyone who reviews. Have a great day. :)**

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Seeing the sudden change in her face a pain hit him. The thought of her refusing the proposal filled his mind and caused his heart to jump. "I understand if you chose not to but if you give it some thought..." his words seemed to fall on deaf ears for the woman didnt flinch as he spoke. He saw fear in her eyes but he was unsure why. "Lillian?" he asked waving a hand infront of her face in hopes to snap her out of her trance but her eyes remained fixated on what ever laid in the distance. Finally turning to see what drew her attention so, the dark knight saw them.

"Saxons." he growled angrily as he spoke the word. Behind him he heard the sound of rushing soldiers sure to be running to spread the news.

"I knew it." she whispered, drawing the dark knights attention from the mass of Saxon bodies before him to her.

"What?" he asked, her eyes not moving to his.

"It was too good to be true. Freedom, Arthur, the others...you." she spoke softly, fearing to speak louder for the thought of Cynric nearby held still in her mind.

"Lillian." Lancelot said trying to snap her out of it. To bring her back from the fears that he could only think could be filling her mind.

"It is no use. He has found me. He will always find me wherever I go." she cringed as she uttered the words. Turning her to face him, he held her steadily in his arms. Feeling her body tremble beneath his grip. Shaking her slightly he managed to bring her gaze to his.

"I will not let them hurt you. Not now and never again." he stated matter of factly bringing his face closer to hers so that she would focus on his words and see the sincerety in his eyes. "I promise." Pulling her into his arms he held her close hoping to calm her worries and fears.

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"Make way." a voice shouted to the crowd that had started to gather. All came to see the Saxon horde that awaited outside. From the depths of the people below them Arthur emerged, followed shortly by Guinevere. Lillian watched as the Roman commander looked out over what seemed to be an endless see of Saxons men as they lit up the darkness of the night with their torches. The look in his eyes said it all. With an almost saddened expression the tall commander turned to face her and Lancelot as well as several of the other knights that had made their way to the top of the wall.

"Knights." he said, a hint of pride in his voice as well as sadness and grief. "My journey with you must end here." his words echoed throughout everyones ears. "May God go with you." With that the determined man left and made his way down the steps. Each step he made marked with the heavy burden he was about to undertake.

Glancing to Lillian he looked to Arthur as he left. She saw the look in his eyes. The desire to save one who had saved him. To save not a Roman but a true friend. With a nod of her head she took his leave and went racing after the burdened man.

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"Arthur this is not Romes fight! It is not your fight!" she heard him call after him. Making her way down the steps she found herself once more in the company of the woad woman.

"What do you think is going to happen?" Lillian whispered half paying attention to the woman beside her and half watching the sight unfold before her. Arthur had tried to leave but was stopped short by Lancelot as their discussion continued on. Coming closer the words started to become clearer.

"Then do not do this! Only certain death awaits you here. Arthur! I beg you! For our friendships sake, I beg..." Lancelot tried to plea but was cut off by the stubborn Roman before him.

"Be my friend now and do not dissuade me. Sieze the freedom you have and earned and live it for the both of us. Live the life that you longed dreamed to have with Lillian by your side." Arthur announced full heartedly to the man who started out as a knight he was to lead, but became his friend by the end. Placing a hand on his shoulder he tried to make him see his reason."I cannot follow you Lancelot. I now know that all the blood I have shead, all the lives I have taken have led me to this moment."

Turning back around the Roman left the stunned knight alone and went to prepare himself.

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Disappearing into the crowd Lillian found a short cut back to the main house and made her way to Arthur's room.

"Come in." he announced as she knocked on the door. The large door creaked as she pushed it aside. Bringing his eyes up from the armor he was beginning to lay out he saw her face. "Lillian. Come in." he added signaling for her to enter. Closing the door behind her she made her way closer to his bed and eyes the armor he laid out upon it. "How can I help you?" he said trying to sound the tinest bit cheerful as he spoke.

"You can help me by not staying here tomorrow." she stated drawing the mans attention to her. "This is suicide Arthur. Last time you faced the Saxons you nearly lost Dagonet and that was only to part of the horde. That is the entire army out there." she said signaling out his window and beyond the wall. "An entire army Arthur. You cannot win this. Only death awaits you." she said hoping to sway his earlier statements.

"What would you have me do?" Arthur asked stopping as he spoke.

"Leave this place with the Romans. They are departing in the morning. Go with them. Or with the men." she said refering to the knights hoping that either option may change his mind.

"I cannot do that." he answered walking to her. "But you can. You have a choice to leave this wall and live."

"Live what?" she asked feeling the sadness in her heart start to grow.

"Just live." he answered placing a hand to her cheek. "I am glad to have known you Lillian and all the more glad to have found you to be alive and safe." he added. "Now go, and enjoy your last night behind these walls and contemplate the future that awaits you." he announced signaling her to go.

"They love you Arthur. Do not leave them like this." she whispered as walked passed him to the door.

"I have no choice." he responded as the woman made her way across the floor.

"We always have choices Arthur." Lillian spoke over her shoulder and, taking one last look to the dark haired man she left, closing the door tightly behind her.


	45. of our choosing

**Hello again one and all. Hope you are all well. Sorry this chapter wasnt posted sooner I was still working it out. I hope you enjoy it. Its a little short but the next will make up for it. I hope you like it so please continue reading and reviewing. Thanks again.**

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The night carried on but the spark that had lit the evening had died with the arrival of the Saxons. The laughter and joy now diminished as dawn arrived and the thought of leaving a colleage and long time friend behind filled the minds of all the knights. Now they found themselves following the trail that would hopefully lead them to safety while Arthur watched over them as the made their way to some far land that they would call home. Clad in his shining armor he stared down at them as they left him behind. In a brief moment he wished he could have joined them, to have children that would know the knights that he respected so but those images that filled his mind remained such. Artorius Castus did not know if he would live to see another day and all that filled his mind was the thought that his men would be safe now that they have their freedom and he was not afraid. Not afraid to die in this battle for he choose to fight in it and that atleast gave him some comfort as he watched Roman soldiers and Sarmatian women and children leave.

Lillian tried to remain optomistic on Arthurs situation but the beating of the nearby Saxon drums still filled her with dread. Underneath her Midnight bucked slightly as if to draw her away from the terrible thoughts that filled her mind. Jols had helped her to ready him for the journey while the Knights were doing the same with their own. Beside her she saw the look of sadness on all of the mens faces and confusion on the faces of Bors' children. Walking alongside Lancelot she tried to find some words to better the atmosphere around them but she could find none. From behind she heard the sound of hooves leaving the trail and leaving the caravan. All the knights, all but Lancelot, turned as did she and too her suprise she saw Bors race closer to Arthur who still remained high on the hill looking out over them.

"Artorius!" he shouted raising his sword high above him. "RUS!" All waited to see what this would bring from the Roman before them. How would he react to his knights last act of respect to him.

Lifting the pole he bore with the emblem that he broadly bore the got the respond. "RUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSS!" he shouted back. Pain stung his heart as he watched them turn and leave. He had made his choice and now Artorius Castus waited to see it to the whatever ends.

A short distance down the road the looks on the mens faces did not disappear and the sounds of the beating Saxon drums began to ring loudly around them causing their horses to buck up and turn. Calming their massive steeds the men looked out at the direction they now faced. Years of battles are hard to break. The horses, so used to their training chose the path they wished to take, facing not the path that led to freedom but that which led back to the battlefield. Patting her horse gently on the side she calmed his throws and looked to the knights around her and without havning to ask she knew what filled their minds. Lancelot looked up and let a small smile creep to his face which eventually spread to the others.

"Hey." she heard Tristan speak to the hawk he had always born on his arm. "You are free." he announced. His voice mixed with slight sadness which suprised her. Lifting his arm into the air he released her and proceeded to fetch a bow off of the carriage.

"You are thinking of going back arent you?" she asked Lancelot sadly, knowing full well what answer he may have in store for her. The smile that lay on his face started to fade as he looked to her.Dismounting he stood beside and helped her down while the others said their goodbyes.

"For 15 years I have fought battles that were not my own. That were not my choosing but now I have a choice and I choose to stay. Arthur needs our help Lillian and if we dont go back we will never forgive ourselves. I made that mistake before, I will not make it again." he answered sadly running his hand through her long, dark hair.

"Then I will go with you." she stated flatly as she started to turn to remount her horse.

"No you will not." Lancelot spoke up harshly causing her to stop suddenly. Turning around she faced the dark haired knight.

"Is that an order." she shot back daringly.

"No. No orders. Just a request." he answered apologetically for his reaction. "You have experienced more than enough at the hand of those Saxons, I do not wish for you to experience even more. Please go with Vanora and the others. I will come back for you. I promise."

Looking to the ground she silently accepted the Sarmatians request. She would wait with Vanora. Wait and hope for his return. Hope that the Saxons would not break far enough behind the wall to catch them. Hope was all she had left. "I will hold you to that Lancelot." she said quietly as she leaned forward and laid her head gently on his chest. She swore she could her his heart beating. His arms wrapped around her for what could be the last time before relunctantly releasing her.

Before she could say another word he and the knights mounted their horses and made their way back through the thick smoke that nearby fires had provided. She watched until they faded into oblivion before mounting her own horse.

"Come my friend. This battle is not for us." she whispered into the dark horses ear.

Slowly the caravan began to start up again and make its way down the long trail, working their way ever deeper in the smokey air. In the distance she heard the sound of the Saxon drums still in the air.

Inside her chest her heart started to beat rapidly and a longing tore at her. Looking ahead she saw Vanora and the children, the Roman men and the caravan carrying Alecto and his mother. Coming to a stop she listened intently to the sounds of the world around her. In the distance were the drums, before her the sound of children, of horses hooves hitting the dirt below and she heard the sound of her heart.

_'Your heart knows...Listen and it will lead you home.'_

_'These men, these knights are your family in everyway that matters...Now it is your choice."_

Both Guinevere and Arthurs words swam around her and she knew what she had to do.

"Jols?" she called out causing the band to stop some distance ahead of her. The man looked back at her as did Vanora. Looking into the depths of the womans eyes she smiled. For a moment she saw the woman thinking, unsure of what her smile meant when she saw the firey womans eyes light up with a sad acknowledgement.

"Yes Lillian?" he asked coming towards her.

"I am afraid I need your help my friend." she said softly bringing her eyes to his.


	46. before the storm

**Hello once again everyone. I know it has been a while since I last updated and I am sorry for that. A friend of mine recently passed away so I have not been in the mood to write. But after several days I have now found the time and wanting to write. So here you go. I hope you enjoy it. Please R&R. I will try and update again in the next day or two. Thanks again for your patience.**

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"I hope you know what you are doing Lillian." Jols managed to speak up as he rushed to place her last piece on. Then turning his attention to the horse.

"So do I." she admitted openly. "Where are the others?" she asked changing the subject slightly as she watched him hurrying about. Grabbing the sword he had placed beside her she sheathed it carefully.

"They have already mounted, they are heading up the hill as we speak." Jols answered as he dressed the horse for what was to come. "Come on Midnight. Thats a good lad." Patting the horse gently on the said he tried to calm any of his fears. Removing him from the post that bound him, he murmed indisctincly to him.

Lillian couldnt help but notice the care that Jols took as he ready the large animal.

"You know it has been sometime since Midnight has seen the fury of the battle field." Jols announced bringing his gaze to hers.

"We will be just fine Jols." Lillian said. Debating whether it was more for her sake or his. Making her way over to them she shifted slightly in her newly donned ensemble. "Not used to wearing things such as this when I fought with the Saxons. So... how do I look?" she asked stretching her arms out for inspection. She saw a small smile light the mans face as he acknowledged her attempt to lighten the mood. She knew she would have to get used to the new chest plate and arm bands quickly, lucky that the armor was light yet durable. The insignia that lay ingraved upon in shone with the suns rays that beat through the open doors. No helmet blocked her view of her surroundings and her hair hung in a low ponytail, with its shorter strands framing her face.

"Just like you used to." Jols answered. "I have placed the extra armor we had for the horses on him. Its not much but its better then nothing." Jols added as he helped her to ontop of her horse. Handing her the reigns she stared up meaningfully into her eyes. "Take care of yourself Lillian."

Stroking the horses mane she looked back at the man. "Midnight will take care of me. I will be fine, I promise." she said softly trying to sound optimistic though in her heart she knew that her fate was undecided when it comes to battle. "Thank you Jols...For everything." she added softly, her voice tinted ever slightly with sorrow.

"Was an honor to serve you and the others." Jols answered quietly. "You better go if you wanna catch up to them in time." Jols added releasing his grip from the horses reigns.

Pulling the reigns taut she turning the large horse around and raced for the hill and for those that now stood at its peak. The sounds of the Saxons in the distant began to fade away as the beating of the hooves beat down upon the earth beneath them.

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"I hope I am not to late." Lillian announced aloud to the men before her. The startled figures parted just enough to let her in, finding herself wedged between the armored bodies of Lancelot and Dagonet. From a distance no one could have guessed that the newly armored arrival was that of a woman. She noticed the bulkiness of the mens sheilding and for a moment was thankful that hers was not so.

"Lillian! What are you doing here?" Lancelot asked urgently. "You were supposed to leave with Vanora and the others." Lancelot added.

"And I did for sometime." Lillian shot back.

"But I distinctly requested..."

"Yes you did." Lillian interjected. "But if I recall, a request implies that I have a choice to follow it or not." Lillian added arching her eyebrow, daring the dark eyed knight to contradict her.

"Sound like she's gotcha there Lancelot" Bors spoke up laughing at the new situation.

Bringing herself closer to him she brung her horse right alongside his. Placing an arm on his armor she looked deeply into his eyes. "All of you have made your choice, now I have made mine. You can order me to go and I wont. I am tired of running Lancelot. I am tired of dreading the sounds of drums, of being scared every moment that around any corner Cynric or another Saxon may come. I dont want to live the rest of my life being afraid every morning and every night. Please Lancelot...let me fight. I want to...I need to fight" Her words pleaded for acceptance from all who heard her. Hopefull that they would let her stay. She spoke the truth, now she waited for them to accept it. In the distance they could all hear the sound of the Saxons chanting as they began to move.

Sighing he hung his shoulders slightly, looking to Arthur and the others is was as if he was searching for the answer before nodding slightly in acceptance.

Taking their places in line they all looked down upon the Saxons that headed their way. The massive gates that were once built for the purpose of evading such an invasion now sat wide open, welcoming the oncoming Saxon brood. In her chest she felt her heart start to race and breathing deep she tried to calm herself. As though sensing how they all felt, Arthur stepped forward.

"Knights. The gift of freedom is yours by right." He announced drawing all of their attention away from the oncoming horde. The sound of the Saxons began to drown out as Arthurs voice filled their ears. "But the home we seek resides not in some distant land. Its in us! And our actions on this day!" His eyes fell on each of them as he talked before landing on Lillian. "If this be our destiny, then so be it." Once more his voice filled with the honor and pride that he felt as he looked at those before him and his eyes finally broke the gaze with her as he continued. "But let history remember that as free men we chose to make it so." With that she felt her spirits left once more and the pounding of dread in her heart was replaced with the beat of adrenaline. Of the words that Arthur spoke. Raising his sword Arthur only fed the fire that now raged in all of their hearts.

Instintly the men raced the poles that they held high into the air proudly displaying the emblem that hung on them. Daring the enemy to come forth and fight. Leaning down Lillian gently caressed the bode horses neck.

"Watch my back old friend. Ride hard and strong." Looking out passed the smoke that filled the air she saw figures emerging. "So it begins."


	47. in the heat of battle

**Sorry about the lateness of this update. I know I said I would update sooner but work on my finals took longer then I thought. But here you go. Next chapter will be up soon. Thank you all for reviewing and thank you all for your kind words and please keep reviewing it is greatly appreciated. Enjoy.**

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The sound of the roaring Saxons below filled her ears as she and the men left their post atop the hill. Racing to lower ground the group came to an abrupt halt.

"Arthur?" Lillian asked rather suprised at the stop. Looking across the field she saw the more figures emerging from the smoke. "Why do you stop, they will see us." Lillian said silently urging the Roman to continue while the knights still had the upper hand.

"We wait for the signal." Arthur answered her patiently.

Glancing to the others, she hoped to understand the meaning behind the Romans words. Hearing the roar of the Saxons once more she brought her eyes back to the army of men. Through the thick smoke she managed to see them heading in their direction. They had been spotted. Panic struck her when all of the sudden she heard the loud creak of the gates. The wind rang clear with the sound of the closing doors and admist the smoke she saw the suprised look on the Saxons faces as the gates slammed shut behind them, sealing them off from any possible assistance.

"We ride in hard and fast. Tear through their lines and take down as many as you can, then come around for another blow." Arthur announced as he readied himself for the onslaught to come. She watched as the Roman quickly eyed the sky and Lillian too did the same. Tearing through the clouds of smoke around them she saw what must be the signal Arthur had talked about. A mass down pour of arrowssilentlybore downupon the unsuspecting Saxons as Arthur took off for the group of men. Arming themselves the knights followed his lead.

"Be carefull." Lancelot quickly whispered to her before riding off after his comrades, sword at the ready.

Unsheathing the sword Jols had given her she followed in suit taking down several Saxons as she went. Their blood covering her legs and tarnishing the armor she now wore.Turning around she saw more arrows fall down from above. Screams of men indicated they had hit their marks. Sword gripped tightly she bore in once again upon the Saxons wose back now faced her. Her sword went cleanly through and the sound of his scream and the thud as his body sunk to the earth was all she heard from him as she raced away. When all was dead only then did Arthur pull the knights back, allowing the gates to open wide once more, daring the others to enter. Counting the mounted men Lillian was releaved to find all intact and well, blood covering the shins of their armor. Reaching up to her chest she felt the necklace settle.

_"Here. You gave me this in the hopes that it would keep me safe so that we would see eachother again and it has. Now it belongs back with you." Lancelot said tying the necklace around her neck. "I have no need for it now. There are no more battle to fight. I do not need its safety anymore." _

Angry shouts arose from the surviving Saxons that remained outside the wall. In moments the army filled the battlefield once more, looking for the enemy.

"I hope you have a few more tricks up your sleeve Arthur, because I do not believe they will fall for that again." Lillian said aloud dropping her hand back down to the reigns of her horse.

. Glancing over the mass of men her eyes fell upon Cerdic and Cynric and her heart skipped a beat. Looking to her right she saw Lancelot. The armored helmet he now wore could not hide the anger she swore she saw on his face. Turning away from him she saw Dagonet to her left. Looking over he smiled at her and nodded slightly. The roaring of the Saxon drew her attention once more as the large group broke in two. A large fire ripped down the center of them as the Woad arrows lit the oil lacing the ground a flame. Another roar surged through the air, this coming from the sides of her and them men. Looking she saw Woads emerge from the woods, swords drawn. Weapons at the ready Arthur led them back to battle.

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Racing hard he broke through the large crowd of Saxons, sword drawn and taking down one after another as he burst through. Eventually the crowd became to much when out of nowhere a Saxon jumped bringing the dark knight to the ground. Grabbing a hidden knife he thrust it into the man, killing him. All around him he saw Saxons and Woads fighting, not far off he saw several knights. Reaching back he unsheathed his second sword and went deeper into the abyss of warring bodies, searching for the one he wished to see most of all.

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She did not see what happened to him. She had looked back and he was no longer on his horse. Dismounting she brung her sword steadily in front of her as severalSaxons came her way.

"Well, well, well. What have we here." one spoke up through his rotting teeth. His axe hung carefree over his shoulder. "Looks like Kendra here's found herself a new side to fight on."

"Not a new one." Lillian spat back bitterly. Her eyes darting from one man to the others. "The right one." Grasping her sword tighlty in her hands she waited for the battle to begin. All around them she heard the screams of dying men and women but she dared not look to see if any of the voices belonged to those of the knights.

"Say, how much ya think Cerdic will give us for gettin' rid of ya right now?" The other questioned drawing her attention as he swung his sword teasingly at her. Blocking the blow she threw him back. The smug look that lit up his face fell and anger took its place. "Stupid wench, perhaps we'll have our way with ya first." Racing towards her he brung his sword down at her. Dodging his blow she brung her sword down hard upon his back. Removing her sword from his flesh just in time to block an oncoming blow from one of the remaining Saxons. Hitting his sword away she brought hers back around just in time to hit him. Giving way just slightly the man fell towards her, loosing his balance. Coming from behind the remaining Saxon screamed bringing his axe towards her. Pulling her sword free from the dying man she deflected several blows from the angry Saxon.

"Come on Kendra ya really dont think you could beat all of us do ya." the remaining Saxon said as their interlocked weapons started to lower. Letting loose of his weapon with one hand he back handed her hard. Sending her back several paces. Tumbling to the ground she found a blood soaked knife protruding from a dead woad, reaching her hand out she pulled it lose. Turning quickly she tossed it at the man, piercing his gut. Sword in hand she stood.

"My name is Lillian." she stated angrily as she took one last swipe at the man with her blade sending his head falling to the ground only moments before his body.

Returning to the battle around her she raced to take down several more Saxons. Her eyes finally landing on Cerdic as started to fight with the figure she made out to be that of Tristan. Her heart raced as she saw the knight tumble slightly. Taking a nearby Saxon down Lillian ran to help the injured knight. Only to be knocked swiftly to the ground by the blow ofa Saxon.

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He took down Saxon after Saxon as Lancelot weaved his way through the bodies of warring Saxons and Woads, knowing that each one brought him closer to his goal. Finally the target that had eluded him was now within sight. Not far off he saw the Saxon knock her to the ground as Lancelot raced to stop the final blow that was most definitely to come. Rolling out of the way Guinevere left to find another Saxon to kill, thankfull to be saved by the dark haired Sarmatian.

"Come on Knight." Cynric spat out. Swords clashed as the two fought.


	48. Lancelots Fury

**Here's another update. Thank you to all who read and I hope you all enjoy the storyI admit its a bit longer then what I had entended but I really got into it. But all good things must come to an end and so will this. Just not with this page. Please read and review and I will update soon. I am already working on the next chapter so it will be up soon. Thank you again and please enjoy.**

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The metallic taste of blood filled her mouth as she met the ground hard. Spitting she tried to rid herself of its taste. She could her the sound of swords and the final moans of those that lay dying as she struggled back on her elbows. Vision blurred by the tears that brimmed her eyes do to the blow she had been dealt.Rolling over she spat out the last remnence of blood in her mouth. Looking back she saw a Saxon at her feet, sword raised high. Immediatly she looked for her weapon but to her horror it lay at the armed mans feet.

"TIme to die Sarmatian whore." the Saxon spat lifting his weapon even higher.

_"Time to die Sarmatian whore." _The words filled her head, words she had heard before but not by him. The voice she recognised all to well.

The moan of the Saxon before her drew her attention as a sword pierced through his chest. Blood trickled from his parted lips as he slumped to the bloodied ground below him. Looking up Lillian found herself smiling at the man that now took his place. Retrieving his sword from the dead mans body he reached a hand out to help her. Eagerly she accepted his assistance. Reaching down Dagonet grabbed her sword and returned it to her. Giving her a quick look over the tall knight nodded as he returned to the mass of people around them, killing Saxons as he went. His once shining armor now dulled and tainted by the blood of the those he had already killed. The clashing of swords brought her from the momentarily peacefull moment as she remembered the mission she had set out before her. Glancing around she caught glimpse of the dueling pair. Racing with sword in hand Lillian quickly took out any in her way, hoping she would make it to Tristan in time.

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Blood seeped through his clothing and armor as he was dealt another blow from the Saxons leader. Soon it began to pain him to breath. Struggling to stand he held his sword tightly in hand and prepared to fight on once more. The large man brough his sword around once more when the sound of clashing metal emergered.

"Tristan Get Up!" a womans voice shouted to him as the sword smashed down upon her.

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"Tristan Get up!" she shouted as the deflected the blow intended for him. Her sword locked momentarily with that of the Saxon leader. Her body shaking as she tried hard to hold her weapon steady against the strength of her enemy. "Get up!" Pushing the grown man back she caused him to stumble only slightly before regaining his balance once more.

Amidst the roaring of blades and the cries of dying men she could her the wounded knight struggling to stand. She wanted to turn to see his condition but to do so would be risky so she held firm and refrained from looking to the fallen knight.

"Cynric should have killed you when he had the chance. He never should have brought you to us." Cerdic announced cooly as he stared at her. Teasing her he stepped forward and back causing her to jump slightly believing he was to attack. "A mistake that I will gladly rectify soon enough." His voice laced with hatred although it still bore its cool tone as he spoke. Bringing his sword down upon her once more she jumped back. The singing of the blade through the air showed her how close she had come to being hit. Slipping in her footing she took several paces back as the man brought his sword around again. Quickly she went to block but the burning sensation of the blade as it cut through her flesh signified her failed attempt.

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"You think you can defeat us all Sarmatian." Cynric hissed as their blades clashed high, each unwielding to the other.

"I dont have to defeat them all. Just you." Lancelot said angrily as he pushed the man away. Bringing his twin swords around for another strike.

"Because of Kendra." Cynric spoke loudly for the dark haired man to hear. The sound of the name brought a halt to the Knights actions. "I know she is with you. I saw how you saved her on the ice, the look you gave. You care for the stupid wench. Pity" Cynric added, his tone of voice evil as he spoke. Anger sprung into the dark knights eyes and Cynric reveled in the thought of causing such torment. Bringing his sword around to the stunned knight the blades locked once more drawing their faces close to one another. "Seeing as my father is about to kill her." The Saxons eyes darted to the side. Curiousity overtook him and Lancelot followed the path of the Saxons eyes. In the distance he saw the mans sword catch her arm and anger filled his heart. "Dont worry Sarmatian, once I am through with you I will deal with her."

The words caused the dark haired knight to jerk back to the Saxon. "You will not touch her!" Lancelot shouted angrily. His jaw clenched and anger burned in his eyes as he spoke.

Across their interlocked blades the Saxons smiled. A smug, evil smile as he looked back at him.

"To late." he whispered.

Growling angrily at the Saxon he pushed him away and brought his blades high, crashing them down upon his sword. All the anger fueled him as he continued to force the Saxon back.

"She had a tendency to cry the first few times. Nothing a good hit didnt solve." Cynric spat, driving the knight further into his anger. "After all, she wasnt much good for anything else." The evil grin lit his face once more. Driving himself even farthur Lancelot stuck again and again, each blow met. Visions of Lillian being raped, of her being hit and of the sad excuse for the man before him laughing at her filled his mind and all else faded from his sight.


	49. Racing against time

Her own blood painted her arm as she backed away from the Saxon leader. Joy filled the mans face at the sight of her blood. Switching her fighting arm she readied for another blow when a figure from behind the towering man caught her eye.

"Arthur." she cried happily as the Roman made his way through the cloud, slaying Saxons as he went. Turning quickly at the mention of the name the blonde Saxon looked to see the oncoming Commander. Taking the moment of distraction to her advantage Lillian reached for Tristan helping him to his feet. Wrapping his arm around her neck for support.

"Just the man I wanted to see." Cerdic said as the Roman approached. "But first I will deal with you." he added turning to face her. Weapon ready he came towards her.

"Saxon!" Arthur shouted trying to draw his attention. Quickening his pace Arthur made his way through the crowd.

Stepping back Lillian looked for a place to run to, anything to buy enough time for Arthur to come.

"Leave me." Tristan whispered painfully as he breathed.

"No. I cannot. I wont." Lillian answered frantically searching about. Sword in her free hand she tried desperately to hold the injured knight while trying to keep the Saxons at bay.

"Saxon!" Arthur shouted once more. His voice loud and demanding as he broke free of the mass of people.

"You are lucky woman. I will deal with you soon enough." Cynric stated flatly as he turned to face the Roman. In the distance she saw Arthur signal for her to leave and without hesitation she did so. Turning with Tristan in tow she tried to find a safe way out of the raging battle when a fight in the distance caught her eye. Their swords clashed and her heart jumped.

"Lancelot." she cried softly. Picking his head up the injuredSarmaitian saw where the young woman looked and saw the concern on her face.

"Go to him." Tristan urged as he tried to steady himself on his own feet. Releasing his grip upon her shoulder he tried to stand upright.

"But..." Lillian questioned as he dismissed her aid.

"GO! He needs your help.I will be fine. Just go. Quickly." Tristan spoke loudly as he leaned on his better lof his legs. Casting her eyes to the ground the dark haired woman thought momentarily of what to do when several Woads raced before her.

"You!" she shouted pulling one at the arm."Take him to safety." She said notioning to the injured knight beside her.He turned defiently to her but still shecontinued to urge him to take the injured knight.

"We do not have time for this. We must..." he started to say but the fury within her emerged.

Grabbing the man harder she stared him coldy in the eyes. Bringing her sword to his throat she reiterated her request once more. "Take him to safety now or I will kill you myself!" she shouted. Her demeanor leftno room for meaninglessquestions and the man did as he was told. Him and another grabbed the injured knight and took him away, hopefully to safety but where she did not know.

Bringing her attention back to Lancelot she ran through the crowdto the dark knight, his back now to her, as he turned to fend off some oncoming Saxons. Her heart jumped as she saw the weapon Cynric now bore. From the side she saw it and fear gripped her. Pushing all out of her way she dropped her sword as she raced against time and fate.

"NO!" she cried barreling into the unknowing Saxon as he turned to fire an armor piercing arrow at the unsuspecting Knight. The arrow was released and she hit the ground hard, the Saxon at her side. Rolling over she tried to find the dark knight. "NO!" she cried as she saw the arrow had hit its mark. Rising slowly she attempted to make her way to the injured knight.

"Stupid wench." Cynric called, crossbow in hand he struck her hard in the head, sending her to the ground.

"After all we did for you you betray us like this." Raising his swordto her neck he looked down to her. "Time to die Sarmatian whore."

Visions filled her head of unknown time and places. The world spun and became hazy.

_"I will always love you." her hand grazed the mans face carefully and lovingly._

_"These men are your family."_

"Looks like you failed once again Kendra."

_Swords in the ground, battle, blood everywhere._

"You failed at the battle all those years ago and you fail now. Look, you lover lies dying and you, you do nothing." His blade cut her over an old scar. Blood fell from the reopened wound as laughter came from him.

_"Make sure the families are safe." Picking her weapons up she raced for battle._

_Dagonet on the ice._

_"We will go home across the mountains." a womans voice sang sweetly._

_"And what shall I do without you to keep me out of trouble."_

_Goodbyes. Such sad goodbyes._

"What made you think you could ever fight me."

_"Are you scared?"_

_"Time to die Sarmatian whore." A fist, a sword, blackness._

_"Lancelot."_

"Lancelot." she whispered waking from her daze and the visions that filled her head. Her head pounded. Eyes open she saw the Saxon before her sword raised. "LANCELOT!" she screamed.

Shock hit the Saxons face as the sword pertruded from his chest. Taking several steps back the Saxons looked up. Rolling away from danger she looked to see who threw the deadly sword. Behind the dark knight she saw Saxons coming to Cynrics aid. Grabbing a sword from the body of a nearby Saxon she raced to defend the knight who now crawled on his knees to finish off Cynric. The last of his twin swords tightly in his hand.

On instinct she fought, and not like the Saxon warrior she had been trained to be. Eadily she dimissed the rivials that came her way until all lay crumpled on the red earth. Turning back she race to Lancelots side. Blood poured out of the injury he revieved from the armor piercing arrow.

"Lancelot." she cried softly rousing him. His eyes slowly fluttered open and his brown orbs locked to her.


	50. found and lost again

Dropping the blade to the ground she wrapped her hand into his, squeezing it tightly. In a galant effort he tried to do the same. Using her other hand she brushed the blood and sweat drenched hair from his eyes.

"Stay with me Lancelot." she whispered as calmly as she could, the tears she felt inside began to brim her eyes. Her eyes not waivering from his as she spoke.

She watch helpless as the light in his eyes began to fade, his body began to shake beside her. She watched as he fought, fought to breath, to live.

"You cant do this. Not now." she cried bringing her face close to his. Tears began to fall as she stared down into his eyes. "You cant do this to Arthur and the others. They need you...I need you."

A small smile tried to light his face but it could not stop her from seeing the pain in his eyes. "I..." breathing deeply he tried to gain control of his words, of his body. "I am sorry...Lillian. But at...atleast I co...could save you this...time."

The tears that she fought to control came without warning and she could not stop them.

"You cant die. Fight it Lancelot." she whispered through her tears. "You havent given up on me, I am not giving up on you now fight. Please...fight."

Although it pained him, Lancelot summoned the strength to smile. The same sly grin that had caught her eyes when they had met, before she knew who they were. Before she had known who she was. In a desperate attempt the injured knight raised his arm to her face hoping to comfort her, to touch her for what could be the last time but it was to no avail, the pain in his chest shot through him and his arm fell back to his body. Releasing hold of his face she grabbed the arm that had fallen and brought it to her cheek. His bloodied fingers caressed her smooth, wet cheek gently.

"Please." she cried begging him to fight. Around them the battle continued as those that stood became fewer and fewer Lillian dared not to turn away. To draw her eyes from his.

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He saw the fear in her eyes, the helplessness and it pained him. The grin he bore did not hide the pain in his eyes he could tell by the way she looked at him.

"I...I..." he tried to murmer through barely parted lips as the world around him began to fade. The once bright, green world now became black. _'No not now. I cant die not like this. This is not fair, I have just found her. No...Please." _Lancelot prayed silently to whatever God who might hear his call. Prayed for time. For life, happiness, an escape from death. Darkness swept around him leaving only her face in the black abyss the enveloped him. He felt his body grow cold and the strength to hold his eyes open disapated. In the darkness all he heard was her voice calling his name before all went silent.

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"Lancelot?" she cried as his lids began to close and he body ceased movement. "No...No no no Lancelot. Lancelot!" Dropping his hand from her face she grabbed ahold of the armor the bound his arms trying to shake him back, but the dark haired knight did not stir."Aways Lancelot. The last words we spoke all those years ago, I said alway. We said always. How can there be an always if you are not here." Closing her eyes she breathed deeply before opening them once more.

"Lillian..." a feminine voice spoke up, but she did not draw her eyes from the fallen man before her. Her eyes trailed the body of the fallen man from head to toe and back looking for any signs of movement. "Lillian I need your help!" the voice shouted finally drawing her attention. Guinevere stood taking on several Saxons."Lillian!" Looking back down she pulled herself away from the Sarmatian. Grabbing the dirt beneath her she let it run through her fingers, coating her hand. Grabbing her sword she gripped it tightly and, standing, she she made her way to the fighting. The look of gratefullness on Guinevere's face did not register right away as Lillian prepare to fight.

"Whats the matter kendra. Oh how sweet shes found herself a friend. Aww he died. Such a shame." the Saxon mocked. "You two take the woad, shes mine." he announced. Two of the men turned and proceeded to attack the Woad woman relentlessly.

Blocking each move Lillian waited until the opportune moment. Spinning around she stabbed him hard in the back dropping him quickly. Turning her attention to the men that were to attack Guinevere she found that one lay motionless on the ground a dagger in his chest. The other fought on hard beating the woad back. Attacking her relentlessly. His attention on the woman before him Lillian krept up behind him, gripping her blood soaked blade with both hands she swung, slicing the man hard across the back. His armor tearing revealing the cut flesh beneath it. Throwing himself back in pain he screamed and, taking advantage, Guinevere plunged her sword upon his chest, casting it deeply within him. Seeing the men dead she released her sword once more and let it crash to the blood soaked ground below. Surveying the area she saw those that stood. Woads. Everywhere and knights dotted the horizon. Saxons fell left to right few now remained.

Racing back she knealt beside Lancelot. All around her she heard the cheers of victory from woads and Sarmatians alike.

"We have won Lancelot." she whispered. Taking her hands she cradled his face gently with her hands, kissing him gently on the upon the forehead. "I will always..love you Lancelot." she whispered. Dropping her head to his chest she closed her eyes and she wept.


	51. on badon hill

The fires have now died and the only reminence of their being were the burnt ashs of the grass and the scorched earth they left behind. The smoke that had shielded them now began to drift away and desipate but a thin layer still lingered in the air. All around her survivors of the horrid battle buried the dead. Newly dug graves were being filled while still more were being dug for those that awaited their turn. She had lost count of the bodies of the dead but the mounds of earth the lined the hill told all. Many died at the hands of the Saxon but they had won. The Saxons were dead and now there was nothing to fear. The rain that had begun to fall after the battle had ended, washing away the blood of the dead and now the sun shone overhead. Its warm rays falling upon all that survived signaling a new beginning. Intermixed with the grief many celebrated the victory that had occured.

Away from the crowd she stood at the foot of a grave, the twin blades of the dual swords that stuck from the ground shone in the brilliance of the sunlight. She did not see him approach but she heard him and knew who he was.

"You have defeated the Saxons Arthur. A feat many would have doubted given your circumstances." she whispered not looking to the man that stood behind her.

"I did not defeat them. Not alone. We all did." he corrected her. His voice soothing to her ears as he spoke.

"And what shall the mighty Artorious Castus do now that he has an entire people at his command?" she asked.

Stepping towards her he surveyed the graves of those that died. Both of battles long ago and those of recent times.

"Rebuild." Arthur answered. "You did well today Lillian. Your father would have been proud of you."

Lowering her head briefly she looked to the man beside her. "Thank you." she mumbled softly.

"Arthur!" a voice shouted from a distance, summoning the Roman Commander to come. With a bow Arthur started to leave.

"Arthur?" she asked causing the tall man to turn back around and look to her. Her gaze not leaving the sight of the two swords she kept speaking. "May I ask a favor of you my friend."

"Of course." he responded as he eyed the woman.

"I wish to learn to fight again." she spoke up. Confusion hit the mans face at the sound of her words.

"But you already know how to fight." Arthur managed a smile as he spoke.

"As a Saxon yes. WIth one sword yes but, I wish to learn to weild two swords again." she announced turning to face him. "Please Arthur, I need your help with this."

"But I..."

"I wish to retrain." she interrupted stepping from her position at the foot of the gave she walked to the head of it. Her fingertips tracing the blades and handles of the swords that lay parshely buried within the earth.

_'Two swords take more control at wielding then one. You must watch both of your blades and be twice as alert." he spoke positioning her arms correctly. The blades slightly heavy in her arms. 'You will tire easily for you essert more energy then others.'_

_Swinging the blades at him he defended himself with a single blade, missing him he laughed. Frustrated she ran to him knocking him down._

_Holding her close he smiled and kissed her quickly on the lips. 'Do not worry. It will not be as difficult when you have a pair suited for you.'_

"I was told that I used to fight with two blades. I know it to be a fact because I remember it." At the sound of her words the romans head jumped.

"You remember?" he asked rather shocked at her admittance.

Nodding she continued. "Not much really. I remember a little intructions here and there but not enough to wield the swords confidently. Not like Lancelot. Not like I was told I used to. But with help I could. With your help. Please Arthur." she begged bringing her eyes to his. Her fingers leaving the swords.

He could see the yearning in his eyes and it tore at him. Dropping his gaze he contemplated her request before looking back to her.

"I never really had the talent to wield two blades, not like Lancelot and I doubt I would be as good an instructor but,... if you really wish to learn, I will try." Arthur answered solemly to the woman before him. Her eyes lit up slightly at the acceptance of her request.

"Arthur!" the man shouted once more causing the Roman to sigh.

"We will begin as soon as you feel you are ready." Arthur said starting to walk away.

"I would like to begin today but I fear you may be to busy. Tomorrow will be soon enough if it is okay with you." she answered.

Looking around him he watched as the people worked hard to bury the dead and to tend to the injured that still lay around.

"Meet me in the practice hall tonight. We shall go over some moves tonight."

"Thank you Arthur." she sighed as happily as she could as her mind began to drift away.

With a nod and a bow the man acknowledged her before turning to walk away for the last time leaving her as he had found her. Alone.


	52. a new day a new life

**Hello once again everyone. Before I submit this chapter I would like to send all of my thanks to those that have read this story and to those that took the time to review. I am sad to say this is the last Chapter. However I have plans for Lillian in the future. Perhaps I shall tell the story of what happened after Badon Hill or perhaps I will tell the tale of Lancelot and Lillians meeting all those years ago. You never know. But for now this is the last chapter for this phase in their lives. I am sorry if I disappointed you in the last few chapters with Lancelots fate but I promise this will make up for it. Second of all I dont know if any of you can read the reviews for this story but if you have you may have noticed several reviews signed with my name. This is due to a friend of mine who reads my story while I am still logged in and then reviews without knowing. **

**Anyways enjoy this last chapter and I hope you will read any future stories of Lillian that I post.**

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The disturbance of something cold and wet woke him from the deepness of sleep. Every muscle in his body felt weak to move. Outside he heard the distance sound of birds singing. Listening intently the songs the sung led him through the dark until his eyes fluttered open and the haze began to lift. As the darkness krept back the small framed silhoutte of a woman filled the space before him. Her hair cascading down her back, a small chunk held back leaving several strands framing her face. The sinews of brown that fell about her shoulders brought the blue of her eyes out. Ringing out a damp clothe she brought it back to his face only to be startled at the sight of two glossy orbs looking back at her.

"You had us all worried." she said softly as she gently stroked his forehead with the clothe. The coldness of the clothe felt soothing against his forehead. Looking to her eyes he saw joy and sadness intermixed.

"How long have I been here?" he asked groggly, bringing his hand to his temple as the final bits of wooziness left him.

"Little more than a week I am afraid. Dagonet said you would have been awake sooner, possibly even up and moving, but during your healing you caught a fever. The last few nice were risky as we waited for you to recover." Her voice began to crack as she spoke. Retrieving the clothe from his forehead she returned it to the bowl. Placing her hands on her lap she dropped her head and inhaled deeply.

Seeing the look on her face he reached a hand to her arm, trying to calm the tears that were beginning to swell in her eyes, but winced as a bolt of pain shot through him like electricity, sending him instantly back to the bed beside him. Instinctively his hand raced to the origin of the pain, followed closely by hers. On her upper left chest their hands met, his dark orbs looking to her with love and confusion.

"Dagonet says you are very lucky." she responded quietly to his unanswered question. Drawing her hand back a tear rolled down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. "The angle at which the arrow hit caused it to narrowly miss you heart and your lungs." she added bringing her eys up to meet his once more. She watched as the dark knight let the news sink in.

_'I must be dead. This cant be real, this must be heaven. Or maybe hell taunting me with the vision of her at my side.' _he thought taking his eyes from hers. "But how can that be. My body went cold, darkness came over me. I thought for sure I would have died." he spoke up rather confused, not knowing what to believe.

"I know. So did I. We all did. The lose of blood you and indured from wounds proir to the arrow caused your body to grow cold. You were very near to death until the others arrived. The brought you inside, ready to prepare you for burial and everything. The removed your armor to clean you up when the noticed you chest still rose. It was slight but you lived still, barely. The armor decieved us, decieved me." she admitted saddly. "You and Tristan became priority to heal. With Dagonet and Merlins help you have both healed quickly." A small smile lit her face up but, it could not hide the pain in her eyes as she looked to the man before her. "You had me worried there you know. I thought I had lost you for good." she cried softly trying to laugh it off. Even bringing a hand up to dismiss the tears on her face.

Fighting against the soreness of the muscles and pain from the injury he reached his hand for her face. Seeing the movement and the struggle in his eyes she moved closer to him to prevent further discomfort.

"The last thing I remember is the battle. I was laying on the ground and you were there holding me close. You were crying." he whispered his voice slightly hoarse. "I remember thinking how mad I was at the way it was to end. To find you after so long only to be parted once more. but,..." Talking of his near death he saw the sadness overwhelming her eyes, knowing full well she was reliving the experience all over again in her head. "But," he said his thumb softly grazing her trembling chin. "I also remember thinking that if that was the end, at least I was able to see you one last time. To be in your arms as I took my last breath in this world." The tears she had believed she had gained control over came once more without control.

"Lancelot?" she whispered quickly as she noticed sleep taking over his eyes once more.

"Hmm?" he struggled to murmer as drowsiness overtook him again.

"I never got to answer your question." she replied. "The one you asked the night before the battle."

"Struggling he kept his eyes open. "Yes?" he asked quietly.

Leaning forward she borught is lips close to his ears. "I have my answer for you now." she spoke gently into his ear. "Would you like to know what it is?"

Turning his head he faced her, eyes half open. "Yes."

"Then tell me again." she said playfully.

Confused slightly at the request the dark haired knight answered. "Will you marry me?" he asked.

"Not that." she laughed. She saw the confused look on his face grow as he tried hard to think. Shifting her position she laid herself upon the uninjured shoulder, part way on his chest, but far enough away from the injury to prevent discomfort. Looking happily into the dark knights eyes she pouted. "Tell me again." she restated payfully.

"You should not play this way with an injured man. It is not fair." he laughed slightly.

"Alls fair in love and war." she responded giving the knight a moment to think. His eyes lit up when the memory came to him.

"You..." he spoke happy and suprised at the same time. The sleep the weighed down on his eyes so heavily left quickly.

"Shhh." she said knowing what the knight was about to ask. "I will explain all when you have had more sleep. But for now..." she added brushing several strand of hair form his eyes "Let me hear you say it again. Please."

"I love you." he answered a smile lighting her face.

"And dont you forget it." she responded kissing him lightly on the lips. "Rest now. I will check in on you again in a few hours."

"And where might you be going?" the dark haired Sarmatian asked ready to close his eyes and sleep.

"I have training to do. Arthur is waiting for me." She responded raising herself from the bed she gathered the bowl and clothe and prepared to leave. "When you are better perhaps we can practice on my swordsmanship." squeezing his hand gently she set it back to the bed beside him. Retreating to the door she opened it slightly. Standing in the doorway she looked back at him. "I love you Lancelot." she whispered as the long awaited sleep finally overtook him. Closing the door quietly she dropped the bowl off and went to the practice arena her twin blades strapped to her back.

"Well, well, well havent seen anyone fight with those in a while." Bors said as she came from the shadows. Arthur looked to her as she entered, swords strapped ot her back.

"Well I figured since they are mine, I better get used to fighting with them and what better way then with practice with all of you." She answered waving to the others.

"But when...?" Arthur asked rather confused.

"After you left me on that hill after the battle. I grabbed them from the grave." Lillian said unsheathing them. "They belong with me and not atop an empty grave."

Smiling Arthur agreed. "Very well. Ready?" he asked arming himself.

"As ready as I will be." she answered stepping to the wider area of the practice arena.


End file.
